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Wondering how to help without enabling
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 659324" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>It's so hard Sherril2000, we want so much to understand, to get it, to wrap our brains around it. Your son is so young, he may indeed be struggling to find out who he is, where he fits in. At that age, fitting in is ALL important, being accepted, being a part of some group......even if that group is a a bunch of "thugs." There is still time for him to pull it together.</p><p></p><p>Have you tried contacting NAMI? You can access them online and they might be able to give you some insight, guidance, support and information. They have parent courses which are excellent. It may be a place where YOU can find some solace. I found them very helpful and my daughter never had an official diagnosis, it didn't matter, I was still struggling and they helped me.</p><p></p><p>Right now he is "somewhere" as COM puts it. While he is there, do your investigations into helping to find resources for him, but don't forget to take care of YOU too. Don't serve his time with him. He is there and you are here. You have a life that requires attention and care so don't neglect it. Make sure to do kind things for yourself, you deserve that. </p><p></p><p>When I was in the throes of insanity with my daughter, a therapist told us that the difference between enabling and loving kindness is that you feel good with loving kindness and generally, you feel resentment and anger with enabling......a sense of being squeezed as opposed to feeling expansion. I found that to be a good indicator. I found it a good practice to wait too. To "refrain" from action for a day or so, and when I did that, the enabling part would settle down, the dust would clear a bit and I would have more clarity to act and respond in a different way.</p><p></p><p>None of this is easy Sherril, it is in fact, the hardest thing I've ever done. However, with each step, you learn more about yourself, you learn how to detach with love and how to accept what you can't control......you learn how to live in the present moment and how to let go.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there. We're here. We understand. Sending warm wishes for peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 659324, member: 13542"] It's so hard Sherril2000, we want so much to understand, to get it, to wrap our brains around it. Your son is so young, he may indeed be struggling to find out who he is, where he fits in. At that age, fitting in is ALL important, being accepted, being a part of some group......even if that group is a a bunch of "thugs." There is still time for him to pull it together. Have you tried contacting NAMI? You can access them online and they might be able to give you some insight, guidance, support and information. They have parent courses which are excellent. It may be a place where YOU can find some solace. I found them very helpful and my daughter never had an official diagnosis, it didn't matter, I was still struggling and they helped me. Right now he is "somewhere" as COM puts it. While he is there, do your investigations into helping to find resources for him, but don't forget to take care of YOU too. Don't serve his time with him. He is there and you are here. You have a life that requires attention and care so don't neglect it. Make sure to do kind things for yourself, you deserve that. When I was in the throes of insanity with my daughter, a therapist told us that the difference between enabling and loving kindness is that you feel good with loving kindness and generally, you feel resentment and anger with enabling......a sense of being squeezed as opposed to feeling expansion. I found that to be a good indicator. I found it a good practice to wait too. To "refrain" from action for a day or so, and when I did that, the enabling part would settle down, the dust would clear a bit and I would have more clarity to act and respond in a different way. None of this is easy Sherril, it is in fact, the hardest thing I've ever done. However, with each step, you learn more about yourself, you learn how to detach with love and how to accept what you can't control......you learn how to live in the present moment and how to let go. Hang in there. We're here. We understand. Sending warm wishes for peace. [/QUOTE]
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