Thank you for your kind wise words. Your words brought tears to my eyes (but for good reasons)Happy Birthday DS. Another day of life. Please get up and do something nice for you. Your worrying over what may be, does not do a thing, but bring you down.
I think depression is contagious, really, I do.
Emotions are contagious.
Instead of worry and dread, give yourself a huge dose of peace and contentment. Hard to do in your present situation, I know.
But, if you look at it from the outside, instead of being so close up, so tuned in to what to your son is doing, eating, not eating, sitting in the dark........etc.
Your son is depressed, maybe suicidal, this, in turn causes you to be fraught with worry about what may happen to him.
You become depressed, crying on your birthday.
It is like a dark cloud over your house.
I had this dark cloud as well, except it was the frenetic drama of drug addiction and chaos.
It enveloped me.
I was frantic, thought it was my responsibility to fix it.
I went deep into the swirley whirley of it, sacrificing myself and my home.
You may think, but this is different, my son is ill.
Yes, he is ill.
So are my two, ill with addiction, perhaps in some sort of psychosis, placing themselves in dangerous places and situations. Oh, Lord, if I thought about the "What if's" of this, in the negative sense, I don't think I would still be here. At, times, I do, then I say a quick prayer, it calms me.
Here's the thing:
They are the captains of their ship, and will do what they want, no matter if they are here with me, or not.
Your son is also the captain of his ship, as you are of yours.
Rather than dwell upon the absolute worst case scenario, try to imagine your son coming through this storm. Try to think on the positive, that he is still alive, still finding ways to nourish himself.
Then find ways to nurture yourself.
Lift up and make your rising above the situation, the contagion in your home.
Cause an infection of positivity.
Find some quotes that inspire you, put them on your fridge, your mirror, your calendar, your car dash.
Paint an accent wall in your room a beautiful color that gives you comfort.
Buy some artwork that inspires peace in your soul.
Watch a movie that is inspirational.
Get some essential oils that are rejuvenating, lavender, spearmint, rose oil, patchouli.
Listen to some soothing music.
Or, take a drive and blast some rock.
Treat yourself to a nice dinner.
Nothing changes, if nothing changes.
There is hope, and time.
You are hoping your son will find a way to lift his spirit, whilst going down the abyss, yourself.
It is the oxygen mask on the airplane example.
Parents are instructed to secure theirs, then their childs'.
If the parent passes out from lack of oxygen, how can they help their child?
What will the sacrifice of your joy, show your son?
Envision a ladder, out of the swamp of this that is enveloping you.
Climb slowly, one hand grasp, one foot, then another.
If you have faith in a higher power, pray.
All of the little things you do, is a shining example to your son, that he is capable as well.
Take it one step, one day, one small thing at a time.
I do hope you are able to breathe and relax today, DS.
P.S. Thanks for adding a signature, it helps to have a little idea of your family.
Such true words. Thank you, thank you. I will try.
PS I have chooks too. Hugs xxx