Won't go to rehab won't leave

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Feb 5, 2016.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It seems many of you have had your addicted child agree to leave with no problem or on their own.

    Okay so now my son is telling me he won't go to rehab on Monday (I have appointment at 2pm) and I can't force him. He won't leave on his own either. So next step when husband gets back into town is eviction order?

    I had hoped it would not get ugly but it's looking like it will. IBS acting up just thinking about it.

    Any advice?
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Ok my suggestion is you call the police (youth officer if they have one) and ask them what you should do. Eviction laws differ from state to state so you may not need to go through eviction or you might have to.

    When we needed to kick my son out (totally flagrantly violating all reasonable rules, making our house feel like a war zone) I knew there was no way he would go willingly or easily. I went to the police, talked to them, set up a time when they would come t the house and they gave him a no tresspass order. So he was ordered to leave and stay away from our house. It was really pretty simple from a legal stand point. (Emotionally of course I was a wreck).

    Good luck. My son has been in and out of rehab since he was 14 (which is 10 years). He is now finally doing it for himself rather than for us or the courts. I am just hoping he really does it this time but time will tell.
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  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    If you live in a state which requires eviction, yes. I do not, we just called the police and they told her to leave, that we were not required to allow her to live with us anymore and she was a guest that was not entitled to anything we didn't want to give her.

    I'm sorry, this was the hardest thing we have ever had to do.
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  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I live in an eviction state. We were told by the police that even though our daughter was not paying rent and over 18, we couldn't just make her leave and needed to go through the eviction process.

    We staged an intervention and when she refused to go to rehab, the interventionist took us to family court and had us request a temporary protection order. We had to fill out paperwork and go before a judge. When he saw that our daughter was bringing heroin into our house, he said that was reason enough to give us the TPO. They sent deputies to our house immediately and told her that she had to vacate our home and wasn't allowed to come within 200 feet of us. At that point, she decided to go to rehab after all.

    My biggest fear in going through the eviction process was that she would destroy our home and steal us blind during the eviction process once she knew we were going to make her leave. The TPO worked out much better.

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    Last edited: Feb 5, 2016
  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Omg RN, I was replying during breaks to your other thread then saw this one. I am sorry it has come to this.
    With husband out of town, please be careful. Some of our d cs can get unpredictable when they suspect they will be ousted.
    Stay safe and take care.
  6. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    RN, it is fine to choose to lay low until your husband returns. Then the two of you can decide together how to proceed with your son. I agree that your safety is most important. If your guts are telling you that it will get ugly, they are probably right. Do something relaxing and totally for you today.
  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    My son told me he won't go to rehab; wants to go to school. He is enrolled in 2 classes and since we can't drop them for him (he's an adult but we're paying!!). He is getting A's which is insane but he's bright.

    He sees a psychologist but so far only once so goes next week. He thinks he's just "young" and young people party. Ok not to this extent!!

    We decided we'd let him finish classes since we can't get our money back anyway then evict in the spring if things don't change. I told him that and he said why would WE want to ruin his life like that? I don't understand how he does not get it. He was drinking last night but denied it but I can tell. He has broken the rules every day since we set up our official "rules".

    I am trying to keep my sanity and not think about it all the time or wonder how he'll be when I get home. No clue where he's getting the booze.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sorry. Not all young people party. I have kids who didnt and one nineteen year old in school full time who also works part time who is not into partying. The only people who say that are those who do it to make lazy,bad behavior seem like the norm. Its like sayine everyone smokes pot or drinks or shoplifts.
    Dont believe that. Its not true.
    If it were me.id make.him spend every alcohol night out of the house. Being drunk at home would be banned.
    Last edited: Feb 8, 2016
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I totally agree with your Somewhere. He is so full of excuses that I can't stand it!! We are in Chicago so it's very cold but we are finally on the same page with how to handle him (it took me longer than his dad) and I think we'll get to where we need to be soon. It's just not an easy place to "go" for me. Never dreamed I'd be okay putting my son in a shelter but know that if we don't he'll never get better.
  10. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    RN, I take it that he refused to go to rehab today?
  11. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    No, not all young people party. And those that do aren't always disrespectful about it. I started drinking at 15 but would NEVER have considered bringing it into my parents house.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Correct Pigless. He said he is "going to college. He's getting A's"

    Husband and I decided to let him finish out since we paid and won't get our money back. In May when he's done we'll move him to a shelter if he doesn't start to follow rules. Hopefully then he'll know we are serious. When I mentioned it he said "why would WE want to ruin HIS life." Husband out of town all week so just trying to get by. I can't believe he is so adamantly disrespectful to rules. He thinks because he is an "adult" (he's 20) that we have no control. This adult crap is BS with difficult kids like him.

    I am going to go back to my therapist to deal with him. Waiting for her to call me to get appointment. I don't even trust my own judgement anymore.

    Last night he asked me if I thought he was mentally ill. He has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I told him no but that he needs help. He is on Efexor and just started to see a psychologist (once so far) who specializes in anxiety/depression/substance abuse.

    I agree Jabberwockey. My husband and I both partied but this is much worse. I was married at 20 and decided I was done partying!
  13. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    And realistically, you don't. Except that is, within your own home. We kicked out son out for blatantly disregarding the rules, lying, and stealing from us. He tried the whole "I'm an adult and you cant tell me what to do" routine. I reminded him that this was completely true, at the end of our driveway. My house, my rules. Don't like it, hoof it.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He thinks you have NO control. That isn't quite true.
    You have no control over HIS actions.
    BUT. Your house, your rules. His choice is to fit in with the rules, or take his backside and mess elsewhere. He is an adult, he can look after himself. (Not, of course, what he expects you to say...)
  15. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member


    There is nothing at all wrong with your judgement. His, however, is kinda messed up. He's trying to make you think you're crazy, because you aren't supporting his oh, so adult decision to party his life away. I'm happy that you are going to see a therapist.

    I knew Monday was the rehab appointment. I didn't expect you to get cooperation, but it was worth a try. I'm glad you and your husband have a plan.
  16. Sister's Keeper

    Sister's Keeper Active Member

    I'm new here, and I've been reading. I have had my own issues, but with my sister. Just my 2 cents here:

    The money you are spending on tuition is really getting thrown away whether he goes to school or not, because, I assume, you won't be bankrolling his next semester. In addition, is he realistically going to get a degree and a job while abusing drugs and alcohol?

    You say he stole from you. Here is what I did to get my sister out. I told her either she leaves or I am calling the police and pressing charges, in which case she will be leaving anyway, it's just a matter of her choice whether she goes to jail or somewhere of her choosing.

    I have learned that ultimatums about going to rehab don't work. She either went and left (after sucking up a chunk of my money) on some trumped up excuse, or she went and towed the line and relapsed a month after getting out. They don't get clean until they want to. My sister doesn't want to in spite of being on the streets or in jail for the last 3ish years.
  17. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Sister's yes you are right. We are moving along on this awful journey and will continue to get help as we can. He is in weekly therapy and that probably isn't enough. He has been sober this week so we have talked a lot. He said when he gets into it, he gets in deep. I have told him that he needs to talk to his therapist about WHY he sabotages either jobs or school. He said he did not sabotage school since he is getting A's but I told him if you keep having substance abuse issues, your school will no longer be an option because we won't support it. His pattern in the past is he goes off the rails when he gets a job (always part time) then loses it. Then when I signed him up for college he was fine then as it got closer, again went off the rails. There is more to it.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I think you are right on the money with this statement. Things aren't always what they seem. There may be more going on in terms of mental health, or there is something in his history (that you don't know about) that is at the root.

    Given that simple cases are often difficult to resolve, it's that much worse for our complex kids.
  19. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    RN, this is good. Fingers and toes crossed. I am praying he sees the light.
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Thanks Leafy

    He goes months and months in past sober and when he does our home is peaceful. This latest bout seemed to start with college starting (anxiety kicked in? I don't know). I hope he can get to the bottom of this and find some comfort speaking with his psychologist on a regular basis. I feel that him being so headstrong about being in school is a positive thing though so don't want to take that away from him and no one can ever take your education away from you. Thanks for your prayers.