Scent of Cedar *
Well-Known Member
So, work as defined on this series of threads, had to do with quieting the mind and concentrating attention on the task at hand. As we come through, awakening deeper layers of self, approaching our work (or play or even, our sleep) with this mindset contributes to steady state. At this level, we are in the midst of raw, of a kind of global vulnerability that feels like a bitterly cold wind cutting against weeping, excoriated skin.
We are defenseless by choice, but defenseless, none the less.
We are very close to our centers, close to naming and coming through, but it is painful. This place is where we need to be, to heal. But I could not know how to define my feelings, as I began this part. Nothing was certain, anymore. When we give up roles we have been for so long that we think that is who we are, it is very strange to sit there in the quiet instead of changing the feel of whatever it is. At one point, I felt I had lost all dignity. At one, that I was inept; bereft. Contempt was so horribly strong, like a dripping acid, attacking at shockingly unexpected times. It very much has been like defying my abusers interpretations of me only at this level, they feel real; feel right and true and I am defenseless without a role to protect the core self from the truth in those eyes. At one point, after I began to know better how to come through it, I found that I could work through an impossible situation one little piece at a time. I could keep focused on my work. And that is what I did.
And there was no triumph in it.
I miss triumph.
I miss laughing and sarcasm.
Alot.
I don't know how to walk, anymore. How do I not exude confidence when that was my chosen persona? But it is happening, and I am doing it. It helps me to cultivate the attitude: When chopping onions, just chop onions. Which is a quote from Michael Pollan's Cooked. But I am not projecting the walking of a confident woman when I walk now. I am walking like me, and I don't know how to do that or what that looks like or what I look like because I am savoring real now instead of role.
It is such a hard thing to just be ourselves.
It was way more fun to be someone I wanted to be. Exhausting, and blah, blah, blah, but totally fun.
So, that is the Work part of this title. For those coming along behind us, there is a reason this concept mattered. Somewhere along the way, we lost track that these words, Work and Germany, delineate survival skills for those of us choosing to recover ourselves. They are survival skills. This is very hard. Each time I come through a level, there is a time when I am not sure I haven't gone too far. The fear is that I will be trapped in vulnerable. I think the truth here is that we are working very hard to find vulnerable. And when we do, it is overwhelming ~ and that is why we froze these hurt parts of ourselves to begin with.
So, I admire myself for having been this strong, and for choosing to be this brave, now. It doesn't matter to anyone but me; no one but me may ever know that I did this, or what it cost, or the incredible results I've experienced.
What we have accomplished here on FOO Chronicles is astonishing.
***
So, that is Work.
Germany is a concept Copa developed. It has to do with celebrating the self, and with decency, and with demanding the highest standards from ourselves as we thaw. The reason Germany is important has to do with integrity too, just like the concept of work being "When chopping onions, just chop onions." It would be so easy to justify anger and worse and get stuck there.
I thought I was stuck there for the longest time.
Finally, I am moving past it.
Serenity had come through it first. She posted to me not to be afraid of it; that the anger would pass. And it did.
That is important for anyone coming along behind us to know. Hold faith with yourself, allow the feelings, don't act on them, just let them come, and you will come through it. It takes the time it takes. Be certain you do not act on the feelings until you are through them. By the time we come through them, we see everything so differently we may as well have awakened on another planet altogether.
So, just hold faith with yourself. You will come through it.
***
The past weeks have been difficult for me in the sense that I am rolling around in the depths of another level. I am no longer angry until BOOM and then, it dissipates. Immediately beneath the anger is me, lonely or ~ I am not finding the word to describe this. Solitary? Alone? I don't know.
But I did feel we had somehow come away from my intention in beginning the threads on Work and Germany.
Both concepts have to do with integrity. This matters because those of us electing to do this kind of seeing and healing and coming back into balance will find ourselves swimming through really awful feelings from our childhoods. Not one incident or another, but feeling tones. The vulnerability of a child. The sadness of a child. The confusion and the hurt of it, to a child.
A child's wild, unreasoning fear of the dark.
It was like being in a heated wind in a roaring night with flashing lights everywhere.
Work, as defined here, and the concept of Germany, as Copa brought to us ~ it's like, Germany requires 40% more after we are dead on our feet. And, since that is what is required, that is what we do. With intention and self respect and intricate attention to detail, but without arrogance. Probably that is why we needed to learn: "When chopping onions, just chop onions.", before we could learn Germany.
But if you should find yourselves where I was, where I still am but coming through it a little now so I know I haven't fallen into somewhere I will never come through, it was possible for me to stay centered through understanding those two concepts. Work first and then, Germany.
Here is another important concept, a road map: The scab, the surface between the self and the world, the thing visible on the surface, is anger in one of its forms. Anger at ourselves, which is depression, or anger at everyone else which is I don't know what because I had the first kind. Anger at ourselves will feed with self-contempt. The self contempt will show itself in a circle comprised of awe/patronization.
And that is all I know about that.
As we heal, we stop judging contests.
So, beneath that scab protecting us from the outer world is shame. Once we get through the scabbed part, there are a million kinds of shame. Shaming memories; developing awareness of horrifyingly negative tapes running, forever running, night and day and night, in the background of consciousness. Other people are not operating under these kinds of deficits. Once we have been through the initial shocks and we understand this is a process and that we are moving through it, a kind of determination kicks in.
We want it.
That is the energy that pushes us into the next level, maybe. We gain in strength; we are more ourselves and less amenable to what other people think on any level. At the same time, we experience the freedom to become honestly curious about other people, and to sort of fall in love with strangers' eyes, with all the human we see there. It's actually all zingy and fun and we feel pretty happy and think we did it and then, we burst through into abandonment and it is like black icy water. We are raw, vulnerable, fearsomely without...something, but I don't know what it is. Oh, we go along living our lives, but our internal dialogue has changed dramatically.
If you are in that place, you will come through it. It will not last forever. You must be mindful; do your work. This layer takes a very long time. It is a very long time of feeling badly...but this layer breaks through into something almost like worded prayers. Like, the words for the swirling heat on the wind come clear, and we are able to form concepts that name the feelings and somehow in all that, we heal.
My last battle was with the term appreciation. At the end, the truth I know now that I did not believe before is that I merit appreciation. Whether anyone else appreciates me is their choice, of course...but I merit appreciation. I imagine this will free me from ~ okay you guys, from important stuff. I don't know what it is yet.
To merit appreciation, to see our motives and actions and intentions and appreciate ourselves for who we are, is a seismic shift.
Think about it.
***
Today is about the term: rededication, for me.
That, and the concept of light, and of candles or many candles or a blaze of light.
Cedar
We are defenseless by choice, but defenseless, none the less.
We are very close to our centers, close to naming and coming through, but it is painful. This place is where we need to be, to heal. But I could not know how to define my feelings, as I began this part. Nothing was certain, anymore. When we give up roles we have been for so long that we think that is who we are, it is very strange to sit there in the quiet instead of changing the feel of whatever it is. At one point, I felt I had lost all dignity. At one, that I was inept; bereft. Contempt was so horribly strong, like a dripping acid, attacking at shockingly unexpected times. It very much has been like defying my abusers interpretations of me only at this level, they feel real; feel right and true and I am defenseless without a role to protect the core self from the truth in those eyes. At one point, after I began to know better how to come through it, I found that I could work through an impossible situation one little piece at a time. I could keep focused on my work. And that is what I did.
And there was no triumph in it.
I miss triumph.
I miss laughing and sarcasm.
Alot.
I don't know how to walk, anymore. How do I not exude confidence when that was my chosen persona? But it is happening, and I am doing it. It helps me to cultivate the attitude: When chopping onions, just chop onions. Which is a quote from Michael Pollan's Cooked. But I am not projecting the walking of a confident woman when I walk now. I am walking like me, and I don't know how to do that or what that looks like or what I look like because I am savoring real now instead of role.
It is such a hard thing to just be ourselves.
It was way more fun to be someone I wanted to be. Exhausting, and blah, blah, blah, but totally fun.
So, that is the Work part of this title. For those coming along behind us, there is a reason this concept mattered. Somewhere along the way, we lost track that these words, Work and Germany, delineate survival skills for those of us choosing to recover ourselves. They are survival skills. This is very hard. Each time I come through a level, there is a time when I am not sure I haven't gone too far. The fear is that I will be trapped in vulnerable. I think the truth here is that we are working very hard to find vulnerable. And when we do, it is overwhelming ~ and that is why we froze these hurt parts of ourselves to begin with.
So, I admire myself for having been this strong, and for choosing to be this brave, now. It doesn't matter to anyone but me; no one but me may ever know that I did this, or what it cost, or the incredible results I've experienced.
What we have accomplished here on FOO Chronicles is astonishing.
***
So, that is Work.
Germany is a concept Copa developed. It has to do with celebrating the self, and with decency, and with demanding the highest standards from ourselves as we thaw. The reason Germany is important has to do with integrity too, just like the concept of work being "When chopping onions, just chop onions." It would be so easy to justify anger and worse and get stuck there.
I thought I was stuck there for the longest time.
Finally, I am moving past it.
Serenity had come through it first. She posted to me not to be afraid of it; that the anger would pass. And it did.
That is important for anyone coming along behind us to know. Hold faith with yourself, allow the feelings, don't act on them, just let them come, and you will come through it. It takes the time it takes. Be certain you do not act on the feelings until you are through them. By the time we come through them, we see everything so differently we may as well have awakened on another planet altogether.
So, just hold faith with yourself. You will come through it.
***
The past weeks have been difficult for me in the sense that I am rolling around in the depths of another level. I am no longer angry until BOOM and then, it dissipates. Immediately beneath the anger is me, lonely or ~ I am not finding the word to describe this. Solitary? Alone? I don't know.
But I did feel we had somehow come away from my intention in beginning the threads on Work and Germany.
Both concepts have to do with integrity. This matters because those of us electing to do this kind of seeing and healing and coming back into balance will find ourselves swimming through really awful feelings from our childhoods. Not one incident or another, but feeling tones. The vulnerability of a child. The sadness of a child. The confusion and the hurt of it, to a child.
A child's wild, unreasoning fear of the dark.
It was like being in a heated wind in a roaring night with flashing lights everywhere.
Work, as defined here, and the concept of Germany, as Copa brought to us ~ it's like, Germany requires 40% more after we are dead on our feet. And, since that is what is required, that is what we do. With intention and self respect and intricate attention to detail, but without arrogance. Probably that is why we needed to learn: "When chopping onions, just chop onions.", before we could learn Germany.
But if you should find yourselves where I was, where I still am but coming through it a little now so I know I haven't fallen into somewhere I will never come through, it was possible for me to stay centered through understanding those two concepts. Work first and then, Germany.
Here is another important concept, a road map: The scab, the surface between the self and the world, the thing visible on the surface, is anger in one of its forms. Anger at ourselves, which is depression, or anger at everyone else which is I don't know what because I had the first kind. Anger at ourselves will feed with self-contempt. The self contempt will show itself in a circle comprised of awe/patronization.
And that is all I know about that.
As we heal, we stop judging contests.
So, beneath that scab protecting us from the outer world is shame. Once we get through the scabbed part, there are a million kinds of shame. Shaming memories; developing awareness of horrifyingly negative tapes running, forever running, night and day and night, in the background of consciousness. Other people are not operating under these kinds of deficits. Once we have been through the initial shocks and we understand this is a process and that we are moving through it, a kind of determination kicks in.
We want it.
That is the energy that pushes us into the next level, maybe. We gain in strength; we are more ourselves and less amenable to what other people think on any level. At the same time, we experience the freedom to become honestly curious about other people, and to sort of fall in love with strangers' eyes, with all the human we see there. It's actually all zingy and fun and we feel pretty happy and think we did it and then, we burst through into abandonment and it is like black icy water. We are raw, vulnerable, fearsomely without...something, but I don't know what it is. Oh, we go along living our lives, but our internal dialogue has changed dramatically.
If you are in that place, you will come through it. It will not last forever. You must be mindful; do your work. This layer takes a very long time. It is a very long time of feeling badly...but this layer breaks through into something almost like worded prayers. Like, the words for the swirling heat on the wind come clear, and we are able to form concepts that name the feelings and somehow in all that, we heal.
My last battle was with the term appreciation. At the end, the truth I know now that I did not believe before is that I merit appreciation. Whether anyone else appreciates me is their choice, of course...but I merit appreciation. I imagine this will free me from ~ okay you guys, from important stuff. I don't know what it is yet.
To merit appreciation, to see our motives and actions and intentions and appreciate ourselves for who we are, is a seismic shift.
Think about it.
***
Today is about the term: rededication, for me.
That, and the concept of light, and of candles or many candles or a blaze of light.
Cedar