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Work and Germany: Abandonment
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 674661" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I guess Cedar, the imagery started as a way for me to try to help my sister understand, to mend the fence. A impulse thought that my sister may have more compassion for me if she viewed me as one of her <em>rescue horses</em>?</p><p>That I know, she has great empathy and feeling for these animals, but cannot see what I have gone through, and how it may affect my responses, my being?</p><p>She has no <em>idea?</em></p><p>Or, she does, and rather than feel empathy, there is a sort of distaste, impatience...disgust?</p><p>She is <em>repulsed</em> by my expression of feeling, my tears.</p><p>I am wondering if her reaction is because it means she has to look at her inner child, the way she conducted herself, and the resulting affect on me?</p><p></p><p>Or, is this reaction the same way she felt back then? To her, I am a wimp, stupid, over dramatic? An idiot for staying in a tough marriage? A pushover where my d c's are concerned? I am getting what I deserve?</p><p></p><p>I do not blame her for her child actions. She was not stopped.</p><p>Most of her life, she has gone after what she wanted, and got it. If she found herself in a bad situation, she exited.</p><p>I stayed, when I went through hard times with my marriage, I stayed.</p><p>She left. She married and divorced three times. She went from job to job, when she ran into difficulty, left.</p><p>I am not judging her, this is her life, her choices. I am wondering if she views her pattern as taking the bull by the horns and mine as oh God, there she goes again......!</p><p></p><p>I don't know Cedar, all I know is that she has an idea and emphatically says so, of what I should do, or should have done, with my life, and is not <em>feeling</em> my choices and decisions, and all that is left is.... broken fences. Broken fences, distance and my Mom wanting us to mend the fence, before she goes.</p><p></p><p>Not that I am a victim, okay, maybe I am, a victim of my <em>circumstances.</em></p><p></p><p>Like a rescue horse, I have no control of what happens around me.</p><p>Who does?</p><p>Do people who have never lost a child to addiction/mental illness- or grappled with the help/enabling syndrome, feel that we have brought this upon ourselves?</p><p>In my sisters case, I do think so.</p><p></p><p>That is why this site works. It is made of people who have been through/going through the fire of it and understand, how it happens. That it happens.</p><p></p><p>But, I do have control of how I feel about myself, my life.</p><p>I do have opportunity to take my circumstances and turn them into the pasture before me.</p><p>Open, free, ready to take the first step, and then canter, then gallop and whinny and jump up with a loud call echoing into the distance. I AM! I AM!</p><p>FREEDOM!!!!</p><p></p><p>I do not <em>feel</em> my sister has mistreated me, I <em>know</em> she has.</p><p>She was a child, as was I. But a child left to her own devices. She was shrewd, cunning and incredibly mean. When she wanted something she was agonizingly insistent, persistent, until she got it.</p><p>She could be sweet, but there was always a catch. If I did not do her bidding, or please her, she was incredibly mean.</p><p> <em>She was not corrected</em>.</p><p><em> I was corrected, for reacting and crying.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I am told now, that I need to forget about it, the past is the past.</p><p>This is true, but are not the scars still there?</p><p></p><p>I feel I am better than I was before, But I do have my moments.......</p><p></p><p></p><p>So in that way, I was in the "kill pen". That is what happens to these rescue horses, they are sent to auction, then to kill buyers, who try to recoup their money, by selling them online, if the horses are not purchased.....off to the slaughter house they go.</p><p>In the "kill pen", the horses are shoved into crowded corrals, confused and terrified.</p><p>These amazingly beautiful sensitive animals are traumatized.</p><p></p><p>In this, I am a rescue horse. I have been traumatized by the awful memories growing up with my sister, I do not understand why she was/is the way she is.</p><p></p><p>I do not have to be with her, constantly anymore, so I am in a sense "rescued", but I am still left with the underlying affects. I am still questioning the reality of my childhood memories.</p><p>Even as I write in FOO, because my CD sisters here, have suffered far more than I. I question my validity in venting. Like triage.</p><p>If this section were an emergency room, I would be way off on the side, waiting for the doctor, cause damn, some of the stories you sisters have. I am like ok, I think I will go home and put on a band aid.........</p><p></p><p>.<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/backingout.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":backingout:" title="backingout :backingout:" data-shortname=":backingout:" /></p><p>So, in my going back and remembering, it has become a sort of teeter tottering, gas lighted feeling</p><p>"Aw, come on, it was not that bad." To "yes, I need to recognize, for me, it was."</p><p>Then Serenitys "embrace the mat" thread, where she sees that she is strong because of her experiences. I feel this way, too.</p><p>So, I go through all of these phases. Phases.</p><p></p><p>Then, still, I have been in situations where I have volunteered in community work, stepped up to take on tasks, and absolutely been trodden upon. I am like " sheesh, do I have a kick me sign?"</p><p>I am beginning to look at some non-profit boards as a breeding ground for bullies. That the ideal of working for the greater good is often times horribly twisted by unscrupulous people with hidden agendas. I am not trying to toot my own horn. I think civic mindedness, community contributor and volunteerism are critical to man kinds existence, that we all can chip in to try to make things better.</p><p></p><p>So, I have stepped up to serve, which is hardly a victim mentality, but in the process of gaining more responsibility and leadership roles, been literally whipped and beaten. My last encounter, I had worked for 10 years on a board from director to committees, serving in various board capacity. I ended up in the role of Chair. A younger woman wanted the seat and ran a vicious smear campaign, including accusing me of stealing funds from the organization ( unfounded). I was devastated. It took a year for me to recoup, I know my character, I did not do such a thing, my good friends know who I am but Lordy, my reputation was dragged through the mud. I am still fighting this........</p><p></p><p>Do I have a victim mentality, no, honestly I don't think I do. Do I see myself as a victim, no.</p><p></p><p>Have I been a victim? Heck yah!</p><p></p><p>Is there such a thing as victim pheromones? Do I put out hidden scent or signs that attract this? Is it that I did step up and take on leadership roles and that presents a vulnerability?</p><p></p><p>I am thinking now, I would rather stick to my coaching kids then be involved with the politics of board work.I am so not cut out for politics. I am not a game player. I don't even play chess.</p><p></p><p>Sigh. Ok that is a lot of venting, or whinnying, or was it whining, or why- ning?</p><p>Thanks for listening.....and asking Cedar, thank you for asking</p><p></p><p></p><p>Just leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 674661, member: 19522"] I guess Cedar, the imagery started as a way for me to try to help my sister understand, to mend the fence. A impulse thought that my sister may have more compassion for me if she viewed me as one of her [I]rescue horses[/I]? That I know, she has great empathy and feeling for these animals, but cannot see what I have gone through, and how it may affect my responses, my being? She has no [I]idea?[/I] Or, she does, and rather than feel empathy, there is a sort of distaste, impatience...disgust? She is [I]repulsed[/I] by my expression of feeling, my tears. I am wondering if her reaction is because it means she has to look at her inner child, the way she conducted herself, and the resulting affect on me? Or, is this reaction the same way she felt back then? To her, I am a wimp, stupid, over dramatic? An idiot for staying in a tough marriage? A pushover where my d c's are concerned? I am getting what I deserve? I do not blame her for her child actions. She was not stopped. Most of her life, she has gone after what she wanted, and got it. If she found herself in a bad situation, she exited. I stayed, when I went through hard times with my marriage, I stayed. She left. She married and divorced three times. She went from job to job, when she ran into difficulty, left. I am not judging her, this is her life, her choices. I am wondering if she views her pattern as taking the bull by the horns and mine as oh God, there she goes again......! I don't know Cedar, all I know is that she has an idea and emphatically says so, of what I should do, or should have done, with my life, and is not [I]feeling[/I] my choices and decisions, and all that is left is.... broken fences. Broken fences, distance and my Mom wanting us to mend the fence, before she goes. Not that I am a victim, okay, maybe I am, a victim of my [I]circumstances.[/I] Like a rescue horse, I have no control of what happens around me. Who does? Do people who have never lost a child to addiction/mental illness- or grappled with the help/enabling syndrome, feel that we have brought this upon ourselves? In my sisters case, I do think so. That is why this site works. It is made of people who have been through/going through the fire of it and understand, how it happens. That it happens. But, I do have control of how I feel about myself, my life. I do have opportunity to take my circumstances and turn them into the pasture before me. Open, free, ready to take the first step, and then canter, then gallop and whinny and jump up with a loud call echoing into the distance. I AM! I AM! FREEDOM!!!! I do not [I]feel[/I] my sister has mistreated me, I [I]know[/I] she has. She was a child, as was I. But a child left to her own devices. She was shrewd, cunning and incredibly mean. When she wanted something she was agonizingly insistent, persistent, until she got it. She could be sweet, but there was always a catch. If I did not do her bidding, or please her, she was incredibly mean. [I]She was not corrected[/I]. [I] I was corrected, for reacting and crying. [/I] I am told now, that I need to forget about it, the past is the past. This is true, but are not the scars still there? I feel I am better than I was before, But I do have my moments....... So in that way, I was in the "kill pen". That is what happens to these rescue horses, they are sent to auction, then to kill buyers, who try to recoup their money, by selling them online, if the horses are not purchased.....off to the slaughter house they go. In the "kill pen", the horses are shoved into crowded corrals, confused and terrified. These amazingly beautiful sensitive animals are traumatized. In this, I am a rescue horse. I have been traumatized by the awful memories growing up with my sister, I do not understand why she was/is the way she is. I do not have to be with her, constantly anymore, so I am in a sense "rescued", but I am still left with the underlying affects. I am still questioning the reality of my childhood memories. Even as I write in FOO, because my CD sisters here, have suffered far more than I. I question my validity in venting. Like triage. If this section were an emergency room, I would be way off on the side, waiting for the doctor, cause damn, some of the stories you sisters have. I am like ok, I think I will go home and put on a band aid......... .:backingout: So, in my going back and remembering, it has become a sort of teeter tottering, gas lighted feeling "Aw, come on, it was not that bad." To "yes, I need to recognize, for me, it was." Then Serenitys "embrace the mat" thread, where she sees that she is strong because of her experiences. I feel this way, too. So, I go through all of these phases. Phases. Then, still, I have been in situations where I have volunteered in community work, stepped up to take on tasks, and absolutely been trodden upon. I am like " sheesh, do I have a kick me sign?" I am beginning to look at some non-profit boards as a breeding ground for bullies. That the ideal of working for the greater good is often times horribly twisted by unscrupulous people with hidden agendas. I am not trying to toot my own horn. I think civic mindedness, community contributor and volunteerism are critical to man kinds existence, that we all can chip in to try to make things better. So, I have stepped up to serve, which is hardly a victim mentality, but in the process of gaining more responsibility and leadership roles, been literally whipped and beaten. My last encounter, I had worked for 10 years on a board from director to committees, serving in various board capacity. I ended up in the role of Chair. A younger woman wanted the seat and ran a vicious smear campaign, including accusing me of stealing funds from the organization ( unfounded). I was devastated. It took a year for me to recoup, I know my character, I did not do such a thing, my good friends know who I am but Lordy, my reputation was dragged through the mud. I am still fighting this........ Do I have a victim mentality, no, honestly I don't think I do. Do I see myself as a victim, no. Have I been a victim? Heck yah! Is there such a thing as victim pheromones? Do I put out hidden scent or signs that attract this? Is it that I did step up and take on leadership roles and that presents a vulnerability? I am thinking now, I would rather stick to my coaching kids then be involved with the politics of board work.I am so not cut out for politics. I am not a game player. I don't even play chess. Sigh. Ok that is a lot of venting, or whinnying, or was it whining, or why- ning? Thanks for listening.....and asking Cedar, thank you for asking Just leafy [/QUOTE]
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