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Work and Germany: Abandonment
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674662" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am thinking a lot about this conversation.</p><p></p><p>There seems to be a number of unspoken ideas. Let me see if I understand.</p><p></p><p>First, the sister cares for mistreated animals. This is a choice and a responsibility that she accepts and owns and does with dedication. That I feel sure of. The rest, I am unsure about.</p><p></p><p>New Leaf, do you feel that your sister holds these animals as more important than are you, to her? That you desire, yearn for, require, a similar dedication, acceptance from her, and that she hold you and your needs with a similar responsibility?</p><p></p><p>Was there a time that you wished for that from her? How much older is she, than you? Looking from adult eyes, was this wish a realistic one, then? Is it now?</p><p></p><p>What would it mean for you, New Leaf, if she complied, now? Would you be diminished or enhanced?</p><p>This is such an important question,Cedar. Because we have felt mistreated by others. And then when we looked more closely, the hurtful things seem to have resulted from our own decisions about ourselves. As children we had no other options. Now, we do.</p><p></p><p>This question applies to all of us. I know that I for sure feel to have been mistreated by my sister, and she by me. There are so many layers of years and years of the sense of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, shunning it feels close to impossible to untangle it. She feels this for me. And I, with her.</p><p></p><p>But the thing is, we are both injured parties. For there ever to be the hope of resolution we have to view ourselves, each, as whole and responsible, I think. Not one or the other as responsible. Because we want to be whole. To be whole we need to take responsibility one hundred percent for everything. Now. In the present. Only then can we let go the sense of being victimized. And gain in power.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>Yes.</p><p></p><p>There is a series of posts on another thread. About the peril of a young adult child away at college who is using her independence to drug and drink and party. At great risk. There is a discussion of what to do.</p><p></p><p>There is the belief by some that because the win, the college degree, is such a necessary and important thing, that it is best to leave the young woman in place, and let her finish. And to one extent or another close eyes to her peril, her willful self-destruction and to parental responsibility, especially moral responsibility.</p><p></p><p>Some see this as the best choice. Because the degree is so important.</p><p></p><p>They decide they must close their eyes to the present circumstances of the child, as not the most important thing and focus on the win. The degree. That is how I see that.</p><p></p><p>I see the priorities as different.</p><p></p><p>That our foremost role as parents is to tell the truth. Be a beacon of what we see as integrity and truth. To speak it and act from it.</p><p></p><p>That anything else pales next to this. That there is no one thing, or achievement or action more important than character. And character comes from telling the truth, accepting it and acting from it. Not one other thing. And our children will always look to us for this. Especially with respect to holding their own value.</p><p></p><p>And that to shut ones eyes to a betrayal of self (as parent and person) will contribute a little bit or a lot to the destruction of the adult child and the parent. Or at least, to the relationship.</p><p></p><p>Everything else can be gotten at a different time and place. It is replaceable.</p><p></p><p>Are you talking about that, Insane? Building intrinsic value. Treasuring oneself as having intrinsic value. And the parent seeing the value of the child as an intrinsic thing that has always been there. Not having to change or do one thing.</p><p></p><p>Is that what you are getting at?</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674662, member: 18958"] I am thinking a lot about this conversation. There seems to be a number of unspoken ideas. Let me see if I understand. First, the sister cares for mistreated animals. This is a choice and a responsibility that she accepts and owns and does with dedication. That I feel sure of. The rest, I am unsure about. New Leaf, do you feel that your sister holds these animals as more important than are you, to her? That you desire, yearn for, require, a similar dedication, acceptance from her, and that she hold you and your needs with a similar responsibility? Was there a time that you wished for that from her? How much older is she, than you? Looking from adult eyes, was this wish a realistic one, then? Is it now? What would it mean for you, New Leaf, if she complied, now? Would you be diminished or enhanced? This is such an important question,Cedar. Because we have felt mistreated by others. And then when we looked more closely, the hurtful things seem to have resulted from our own decisions about ourselves. As children we had no other options. Now, we do. This question applies to all of us. I know that I for sure feel to have been mistreated by my sister, and she by me. There are so many layers of years and years of the sense of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, shunning it feels close to impossible to untangle it. She feels this for me. And I, with her. But the thing is, we are both injured parties. For there ever to be the hope of resolution we have to view ourselves, each, as whole and responsible, I think. Not one or the other as responsible. Because we want to be whole. To be whole we need to take responsibility one hundred percent for everything. Now. In the present. Only then can we let go the sense of being victimized. And gain in power. Yes. Yes. There is a series of posts on another thread. About the peril of a young adult child away at college who is using her independence to drug and drink and party. At great risk. There is a discussion of what to do. There is the belief by some that because the win, the college degree, is such a necessary and important thing, that it is best to leave the young woman in place, and let her finish. And to one extent or another close eyes to her peril, her willful self-destruction and to parental responsibility, especially moral responsibility. Some see this as the best choice. Because the degree is so important. They decide they must close their eyes to the present circumstances of the child, as not the most important thing and focus on the win. The degree. That is how I see that. I see the priorities as different. That our foremost role as parents is to tell the truth. Be a beacon of what we see as integrity and truth. To speak it and act from it. That anything else pales next to this. That there is no one thing, or achievement or action more important than character. And character comes from telling the truth, accepting it and acting from it. Not one other thing. And our children will always look to us for this. Especially with respect to holding their own value. And that to shut ones eyes to a betrayal of self (as parent and person) will contribute a little bit or a lot to the destruction of the adult child and the parent. Or at least, to the relationship. Everything else can be gotten at a different time and place. It is replaceable. Are you talking about that, Insane? Building intrinsic value. Treasuring oneself as having intrinsic value. And the parent seeing the value of the child as an intrinsic thing that has always been there. Not having to change or do one thing. Is that what you are getting at? COPA [/QUOTE]
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