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Work and Germany; Benedictines and Buddhists: Attitude
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 672980" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I missed this thread totally so I will work hard to catch up. Very germane for me this day and week. I have been embracing my inner Germany with very poor results. Good. I have a great deal of shame when I try to do some kinds of work.</p><p>In the work the doing of which evokes shame, I have very little integrity.</p><p>Exactly. For many years I studied which culminated in an academic degree and a profession. From the time I committed to the idea of this to the achieving of a license, which entailed 4 years of internships, was about 17 or 18 years. On top of a bachelor's degree. I did the work as a licensed person for maybe 18 years, with some time off to dance and to care for my Mom. </p><p></p><p>Over those years my commitment changed me. And my attitude towards work changed. And my attitude towards me working changing extraordinarily. </p><p></p><p>I came to believe myself to be a highly proficient person. I came to see myself as extraordinarily committed to my work. I came to see myself as entirely inner directed with respect to my work. I came to see myself as having a great deal of integrity in my work. In my profession I am extremely hard-working. M says I have a "don" for my work. I love it when he says this. It is to have a gift.</p><p></p><p>I am not bragging here. All of the previous paragraph is a set up for this:Nothing about me could have predicted any of that. It was created in the course of working. In no other area of my life, in a working sense, do I have anywhere near this integrity, discipline or pride. In fact I am a <u><strong>sloth</strong></u>.</p><p>Well, great. Just as I was embracing my beauty, I have to confront decay. </p><p></p><p>As an aside, there is a wonderful book by the anthropologist Mary Douglas called <u>Purity and Danger.</u></p><p>I have written elsewhere that I was a domestic servant to my mother as a child. Washing, vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, windows, bathrooms, ironing, sweeping 3 floors of steps (2 staircases), making beds, watering the garden, sweeping concrete in front and in back. started very early for me. These were chores I did alone. I was responsible for them. If I did not do them well I was disciplined.</p><p></p><p>With my grandmother I gardened. I loved it. I think the difference was that I did it with my grandmother. She was with me. We did it together.</p><p></p><p>When I do any of these chores now I feel extreme anxiety. I am beginning to believe *thank you, Cedar, that it covers shame. When I start feeling the anxiety I stop. Typically, I feel anxious right away. Thus, M does almost all of the housework, and folding clothes. It is not fair. He does not like it. I feel ashamed even telling you.</p><p>It is very, very noxious for me to feel this anxiety. My self-talk tells me I am not doing it right. Instead of doing it more and better, I do it less, and stop. </p><p></p><p>Cedar, I had fun with the baking soda and vinegar because it was new and an experiment and because you were with me while I did it. It kept away the abusive self-talk even when the porcelain's shine disappeared. Smile.</p><p>Yes. That is what I am talking about. </p><p></p><p>I think that is why I need M's sister with me. I need an enforcer. Or somebody who is benign to counteract the negative feelings.</p><p>Yes. This is me, with housework and gardening too. The strange thing is that these are things I value highly. I am highly invested in a beautiful and well-designed home. Not for display. For us. I pore over paint colors; I spend hours and hours thinking about pillows and art work and curtains etc. It is a highly important thing for me. As it was for my mother.</p><p>Is my favorite housework.</p><p>Except in my case, it is bifurcated. My attitude towards my professional working is completely opposite to my attitude towards domestic work </p><p></p><p>I would like them to be aligned. I am very invested in learning to sew and do textile arts. I am afraid that my perfectionism will get in the way. That I will not tolerate working through errors. I think this is the heart of things. My mother was a very harsh critic. I have internalized that voice as my own. </p><p>Yes. But how to work through from one extreme to another? That is the question.</p><p>Yes.</p><p>I do not think so, Cedar. I think it is about our companions while we work. For many years I was half-hearted about academic work. I changed one thousand percent. I would like to do so with domestic work.</p><p></p><p>I changed in academic and professional work because I had strongly held and specific and tangible goals in mind that I never let loose of. I had a vision. I am a dog with a bone when I have a strongly held goal. I never, ever let go. </p><p></p><p>So the answer for me must be, in part, to establish and define a specific goal apart from the task itself. Apart from the house or garden. It has to be something else. Something bigger and more powerful. I wonder if it has to do with a spiritual practice? Or maybe, if I tie it to something that is already a powerful motivator, my academic development, scholarship, study. Maybe I will devise a Psychology of Domestic Work. Like Sports Psychology or Health Psychology or Psychology of Law. How interesting? I am already interested. </p><p></p><p>Thank you.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 672980, member: 18958"] I missed this thread totally so I will work hard to catch up. Very germane for me this day and week. I have been embracing my inner Germany with very poor results. Good. I have a great deal of shame when I try to do some kinds of work. In the work the doing of which evokes shame, I have very little integrity. Exactly. For many years I studied which culminated in an academic degree and a profession. From the time I committed to the idea of this to the achieving of a license, which entailed 4 years of internships, was about 17 or 18 years. On top of a bachelor's degree. I did the work as a licensed person for maybe 18 years, with some time off to dance and to care for my Mom. Over those years my commitment changed me. And my attitude towards work changed. And my attitude towards me working changing extraordinarily. I came to believe myself to be a highly proficient person. I came to see myself as extraordinarily committed to my work. I came to see myself as entirely inner directed with respect to my work. I came to see myself as having a great deal of integrity in my work. In my profession I am extremely hard-working. M says I have a "don" for my work. I love it when he says this. It is to have a gift. I am not bragging here. All of the previous paragraph is a set up for this:Nothing about me could have predicted any of that. It was created in the course of working. In no other area of my life, in a working sense, do I have anywhere near this integrity, discipline or pride. In fact I am a [U][B]sloth[/B][/U]. Well, great. Just as I was embracing my beauty, I have to confront decay. As an aside, there is a wonderful book by the anthropologist Mary Douglas called [U]Purity and Danger.[/U] I have written elsewhere that I was a domestic servant to my mother as a child. Washing, vacuuming, dusting, washing dishes, windows, bathrooms, ironing, sweeping 3 floors of steps (2 staircases), making beds, watering the garden, sweeping concrete in front and in back. started very early for me. These were chores I did alone. I was responsible for them. If I did not do them well I was disciplined. With my grandmother I gardened. I loved it. I think the difference was that I did it with my grandmother. She was with me. We did it together. When I do any of these chores now I feel extreme anxiety. I am beginning to believe *thank you, Cedar, that it covers shame. When I start feeling the anxiety I stop. Typically, I feel anxious right away. Thus, M does almost all of the housework, and folding clothes. It is not fair. He does not like it. I feel ashamed even telling you. It is very, very noxious for me to feel this anxiety. My self-talk tells me I am not doing it right. Instead of doing it more and better, I do it less, and stop. Cedar, I had fun with the baking soda and vinegar because it was new and an experiment and because you were with me while I did it. It kept away the abusive self-talk even when the porcelain's shine disappeared. Smile. Yes. That is what I am talking about. I think that is why I need M's sister with me. I need an enforcer. Or somebody who is benign to counteract the negative feelings. Yes. This is me, with housework and gardening too. The strange thing is that these are things I value highly. I am highly invested in a beautiful and well-designed home. Not for display. For us. I pore over paint colors; I spend hours and hours thinking about pillows and art work and curtains etc. It is a highly important thing for me. As it was for my mother. Is my favorite housework. Except in my case, it is bifurcated. My attitude towards my professional working is completely opposite to my attitude towards domestic work I would like them to be aligned. I am very invested in learning to sew and do textile arts. I am afraid that my perfectionism will get in the way. That I will not tolerate working through errors. I think this is the heart of things. My mother was a very harsh critic. I have internalized that voice as my own. Yes. But how to work through from one extreme to another? That is the question. Yes. I do not think so, Cedar. I think it is about our companions while we work. For many years I was half-hearted about academic work. I changed one thousand percent. I would like to do so with domestic work. I changed in academic and professional work because I had strongly held and specific and tangible goals in mind that I never let loose of. I had a vision. I am a dog with a bone when I have a strongly held goal. I never, ever let go. So the answer for me must be, in part, to establish and define a specific goal apart from the task itself. Apart from the house or garden. It has to be something else. Something bigger and more powerful. I wonder if it has to do with a spiritual practice? Or maybe, if I tie it to something that is already a powerful motivator, my academic development, scholarship, study. Maybe I will devise a Psychology of Domestic Work. Like Sports Psychology or Health Psychology or Psychology of Law. How interesting? I am already interested. Thank you. COPA [/QUOTE]
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