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Family of Origin
Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 673809" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>What would our dance be without anger. What emotion would be there instead. Fear, black and cold. But what other emotion would there be, partnering us.</p><p></p><p>That is an interesting way to see, Copa. A dance of love and anger.... Anger covering fear. Fear covering shame covering abandonment?</p><p></p><p>I am seeing everything through Going's filter, today.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I think we cannot accomplish this.</p><p></p><p>Those we love are simply those we love. (So says Anne Rice, and I believe her with all my heart.)</p><p></p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>To me, I will always love my children that way, Copa. And my grands and my rotten to the core family of origin, too. These are our people. The problem is not the loving or the manner of it or the depth or color. <em>It's that those we love are not okay in some way, Copa.</em> It's like what Going North posted about addiction. We cannot find the answers we need because we are looking in the wrong places, somehow mistaking our blood sacrifice as a necessary prerequisite to the precursor to an answer that will change our loved ones' situations.</p><p></p><p>That is how we grew up, Copa.</p><p></p><p>Bargaining with our pain; standing up to the impossible in the face of our fear. Walking alone because it was safer that way.</p><p></p><p>That is what I took from Going's take on addiction: We don't get it. We think our suffering will be enough, and the bad things will stop.</p><p></p><p>We were raised to believe that. </p><p></p><p>And we even think the abuser will pretend it never happened, and that is why we think our kids will just snap out of it one day and everything will be fine. It's all a piece of that same, abusive messed upness in our thinking. I was reading somewhere today that abusive people <em>always</em> pretend there is nothing wrong. Like they never did what they did. Like you were oversensitive or they will get mad or the punishment will begin again or something, whatever it took to keep the abuser in what for him or her is steady state grandiosity feed.</p><p></p><p>So we cannot see that we will never bargain our kids' ways out of this. We can not see that, though we keep sacrificing, there is no sacrifice required because there is no sacrifice that will work because we are misunderstanding the essence of our situations.</p><p></p><p>No one is punishing us.</p><p></p><p>This is real.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>This makes sense to me. I would never want my mother to know what I wanted, or what mattered to me. It was a challenge to her. Think of the things I have posted about my finding work, or deciding to go back to school, or of the things she has said and done while I have been vulnerable because I was broken in the face of what was happening to all of us.</p><p></p><p>"What do you want, what is your heart's desire...tell me everything." Those words are raising my hackles Copa right now. When whatever happened with that first therapist happened, it was only the things he did not know that kept me sane and alive. Which might be an exaggeration but...maybe it is not. We don't trust. Copa, we do not find it possible to trust. He was asking the impossible of you. Good for you for not selling out.</p><p></p><p>I am sorry. I get it that everyone is going to be horrified with me for saying so. I get it, Copa. Good on you. That therapist does not matter and he never did unless he could help you the way he said he could. </p><p></p><p>And even I know you <em>never</em> let the abuser, or the therapeutic stand in, know your heart's desire.</p><p></p><p>I am shocked he demanded that of you. It's like, let's play vulnerable where you are the only one vulnerable and I am the superior professional, the guy in the suit, and you get to be...well, you get to be the sick one.</p><p></p><p>Someone has to do it now tell me the core of self. </p><p></p><p>You must have felt so vulnerable and awful, Copa. I am so sorry that happened, to you. I think they are conducting therapy very differently, now.</p><p></p><p>Oh roar I am experiencing an anger meltdown relative to my own therapist.</p><p></p><p>Watch this, you guys. I am totally cool with my anger meltdowns, now:</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/Graemlins/919Mad.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":919Mad:" title="Mad :919Mad:" data-shortname=":919Mad:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>***</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is old Cedar. "Oh oh. I am like, insanely angry. How shaming for me."</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/hangin.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":hangin:" title="hangin :hangin:" data-shortname=":hangin:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>This is New Cedar. "Angry doesn't matter welcome home."</p><p></p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/grouphugg.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":grouphugg:" title="grouphugg :grouphugg:" data-shortname=":grouphugg:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 673809, member: 17461"] What would our dance be without anger. What emotion would be there instead. Fear, black and cold. But what other emotion would there be, partnering us. That is an interesting way to see, Copa. A dance of love and anger.... Anger covering fear. Fear covering shame covering abandonment? I am seeing everything through Going's filter, today. I think we cannot accomplish this. Those we love are simply those we love. (So says Anne Rice, and I believe her with all my heart.) *** To me, I will always love my children that way, Copa. And my grands and my rotten to the core family of origin, too. These are our people. The problem is not the loving or the manner of it or the depth or color. [I]It's that those we love are not okay in some way, Copa.[/I] It's like what Going North posted about addiction. We cannot find the answers we need because we are looking in the wrong places, somehow mistaking our blood sacrifice as a necessary prerequisite to the precursor to an answer that will change our loved ones' situations. That is how we grew up, Copa. Bargaining with our pain; standing up to the impossible in the face of our fear. Walking alone because it was safer that way. That is what I took from Going's take on addiction: We don't get it. We think our suffering will be enough, and the bad things will stop. We were raised to believe that. And we even think the abuser will pretend it never happened, and that is why we think our kids will just snap out of it one day and everything will be fine. It's all a piece of that same, abusive messed upness in our thinking. I was reading somewhere today that abusive people [I]always[/I] pretend there is nothing wrong. Like they never did what they did. Like you were oversensitive or they will get mad or the punishment will begin again or something, whatever it took to keep the abuser in what for him or her is steady state grandiosity feed. So we cannot see that we will never bargain our kids' ways out of this. We can not see that, though we keep sacrificing, there is no sacrifice required because there is no sacrifice that will work because we are misunderstanding the essence of our situations. No one is punishing us. This is real. This makes sense to me. I would never want my mother to know what I wanted, or what mattered to me. It was a challenge to her. Think of the things I have posted about my finding work, or deciding to go back to school, or of the things she has said and done while I have been vulnerable because I was broken in the face of what was happening to all of us. "What do you want, what is your heart's desire...tell me everything." Those words are raising my hackles Copa right now. When whatever happened with that first therapist happened, it was only the things he did not know that kept me sane and alive. Which might be an exaggeration but...maybe it is not. We don't trust. Copa, we do not find it possible to trust. He was asking the impossible of you. Good for you for not selling out. I am sorry. I get it that everyone is going to be horrified with me for saying so. I get it, Copa. Good on you. That therapist does not matter and he never did unless he could help you the way he said he could. And even I know you [I]never[/I] let the abuser, or the therapeutic stand in, know your heart's desire. I am shocked he demanded that of you. It's like, let's play vulnerable where you are the only one vulnerable and I am the superior professional, the guy in the suit, and you get to be...well, you get to be the sick one. Someone has to do it now tell me the core of self. You must have felt so vulnerable and awful, Copa. I am so sorry that happened, to you. I think they are conducting therapy very differently, now. Oh roar I am experiencing an anger meltdown relative to my own therapist. Watch this, you guys. I am totally cool with my anger meltdowns, now: :919Mad: *** This is old Cedar. "Oh oh. I am like, insanely angry. How shaming for me." :hangin: This is New Cedar. "Angry doesn't matter welcome home." :grouphugg: [/QUOTE]
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Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery
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