worried about 19 year old daughter

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by [email protected], Nov 19, 2016.

  1. worriedmom@help

    [email protected] New Member

    I am new here but I am at the end of my rope here. And people I talk to about this situation has no idea because they are not in it. My 19 year old daughter has been in a bad relationship for well over a year. This is her first. She started out as a beautiful, smart speak her mind kind of girl. Got decent grades had many friends was a cheerleader all through middle school and most of high school. Then she started dating "him". The total opposite of her. Always dressed like a gangster, missing a lot of school, bad attitude. Just the "bad boy" type. He would never come around the house for about 6 months. I started noticing bruises, I started smelling pot on her when she would come home. She started not obeying curfew. She was skipping school, being late for work. Being disrespectful to us in every way possible. We asked about the bruises and she always had a legitimate excuse. Since we weren't around him we really didn't know what was really going on in the relationship. Last year while she was getting her senior pictures taken I noticed SEVERAL bruises all over her arms when she changed outfits. I knew then something was not right. I started paying close attention. Her mood changed daily. She would go off at the drop of a hat. Her friends stopped hanging out with her. Her two best friends came to me and said how worried they were for her because of him. They said he checks her phone all the time and she cant be with her friends anymore. We talked to her about it but she said they were just jealous cause she had a boyfriend. To make a long story short things have been BAD. She finally came to us a few months ago and told us that he has abused her, and shes been smoking pot to help her anxiety. She pulled her pants down and her shirt up and there were at least 20-30 bruises on her from him grabbing her or biting her! I was livid! I told her she had to be done with him and she must go to the police. She said she broke up with him that day but refused to get the police involved. She had just turned 18 at the time so my hands were tied. I myself went and talked to the cops and filed a report but they said she was the one that had to get a protection order. She refused. I told her he was never to be at our house again and if he showed up we would handle it. Two days later my husband and I were getting ready for bed. She was in her room for the night, we heard like a scuffle from her room. I ran up and he was there and he had slapped her. She had snuck him in while we were at work! My husband told him to get the hell out! My daughter and I had to hold my husband back from hitting him. As he was leaving he said " you don't know who you are messing with" " you don't know my family". And our daughter left with him. We were afraid for her safety so we called the cops. But since she was 18 and she left willingly there was nothing we could do. Since he had threatened us and we "heard" him slap her they said we could file a protective order for us so if he came back to the house ever he could be arrested so we did that. That's been 3 months ago. He hasn't been at the house but she is still with him. She had told us before that when she broke up with him he wrote on social media if any guys talked to her its nothing his 38 wouldn't fix. Shortly after that we found a gun in her trunk. It turned out to be a bb pellet gun but it was his and she said she didn't no it was in there. This made us aware we are dealing with someone we should fear. There have been times that shes called in the middle of the night for us to pick her up because he wouldn't bring her home. He has left her in another town because he was mad at her. They fight constantly. She is always depressed and never happy. Shes lost over 50#. I suspect other drug use more than pot. She has came to us several times that she knows the relationship is not good but she has to break up in her own time. I know he has threatened to harm us to her because she confided in my niece. She broke up with him this past weekend. She said she was totally done. And he began to follow her to work and started an argument in the parking lot. My niece works with her so she called me because she was scared for her. She still refuses to get a protection order so I went to the judge to ask if I could have her put on ours since she lives at our home and with everything that has happened I explained we are afraid for her life and we feel he is threatening harm to us if she leaves him. She granted this for 2 weeks in which we then have to go to court over with him. She had not been with him for almost a week. He was served yesterday that he was to stay away from her. She supposedly went for a coffee and a drive last night and never came home. She would not reply to our texts so we called the police. She was with him. And even though the protection order states he cant be with her she was with him willingly and she said she wasn't in danger and that I am over dramatic! She came home furious that we called the cops. She came at me like she was going to hit me. She said she was leaving and never coming back. She left walking as she slammed our front door the glass busted out everywhere. I don't know what else to do from here. I fear she is in danger and I feel when she left last night he threatened to do something to us if she didn't come to him because when she left she texted me to make sure the doors were locked. If she were a minor things would be so much easier. Now shes out there in the cold walking with no coat, no car. Im sure she is with him but it doesn't make me feel any better. We are a very close family and this is not our normal. We raised a son with no issues. This has me baffled. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated.
     
  2. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    I've lived my life seeing other people who need help, but will not accept it. Or people who need advice, but will not listen. It is upsetting to have to watch these other people.

    But NOTHING MORE YOU CAN DO! Go on and live your life. If she asks for your help, then give it at that time. For now, drop it.
     
  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    There may be a support group for battered women in your city. You should encourage her to see a psychologist to figure out why she feels the need to stay with a guy like him. The women at the support group can advise her and hopefully help her see why she has to end the relationship. Another idea would be to move her out of town and put her up in an apartment unless you think she might go back to him.
     
  4. worriedmom@help

    [email protected] New Member

    My son and his wife live 3 hours away and have offered her to come stay with them and just have a fresh start. At times she acts like she wants to but never actually does. We offered to help with expenses but she will not go.
     
  5. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    My daughter keeps going back to abusers. We spent tons of money, time and energy trying to rescue her only to have her go back. The last episode she went a thousand miles away to another state to get away from abusers. I supported her in this move to the tune of $900 in one month. After being there 1 month, she was trying to get the 2nd abuser to move there. She no longer speaks to me because I wouldn't sign for an apartment. That's the best thing that ever happened, but I miss mY granddaughters. This has gone on for at least 9 years. I would think that this time she's had enough and then she'd go back. Don't know when it will end. It's heartbreaking! But I do know that nothing I do or say will change anything. I'm so sorry you're going through this, worried mom. You daughter sounds like mine, beautiful, smart, creative, educated. Just so sad!
     
  6. worriedmom@help

    [email protected] New Member

    So sorry for you too Mamacat. I can't imagine 9 years of this. And especially with grandkids. Just this weekend I told myself that I have done everything possible to help her and if she wont help herself I have to try and live MY life. I've let this take over MY life this last year. So much so that Ive had health issues over it. My son and daughter in law recently informed us that we are gonna be first time grandparents so I have something now to look forward to and hopefully my daughter will come around. My son informed her that as long as she is with this guy she will not be welcome with him to visit his child. I can not believe she has allowed this relationship to destroy hers with her whole family. She is miserable when she is with him but always goes back. And it kills me to see her this way. But shes old enough to make her own decisions. Even though I may not like it . She will always be loved by us and we will always be there for her but Im done trying to convience her its not going to get better with him. Good luck to you!
     
  7. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I honestly don't know how my marriage has stayed together and my health is still good. I'm just very grateful. My husband has been a saint for putting up with so much. He deserves my full attention, not my 45 year old daughter. (He's her stepdad). But you're right to let her make her own decisions. There's nothing we can do. I just wish my granddaughters had a stable life.