Worried about young difficult child...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Jun 6, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Actually more like panicked.

    It started a week ago when young difficult child fell down his apt stairs. Went to the hospital where they did a ct scan (couldn't do MRI because of his pacemaker). The ct scan shows fractures in two places of young difficult children back.

    They talked of surgery but released him in a back brace yesterday. He is to wear the brace for the next 3 months... No work or lifting. He told me yesterday that he wished for assisted suicide. Said he pictures himself a homeless person in a wheelchair on the streets. His wife is completely overwhelmed. They are currently staying at wifes moms house. May lose their apt.

    Got a message an hour or so ago that they were back in the hospital. Talked to his wife a short while ago. Now he is having trouble urinating and they have hooked up a catheter. Wife said they now have to see a urologist.

    husband has visited young difficult child in the hospital... Once alone and once with me this past week. He somewhat thinks young difficult child is just trying to get more morphine and pain medications. He is also upset about us potentially having to pay young difficult children rent over the next 3 months. His attitude has caused me some stress as well as young difficult children condition and state of mind.

    Young difficult child has stated several times recently that he does not believe he will be alive a year from now. Pease pray send good thoughts for young difficult child. I am so worried about his physical and mental health right now.

    Thank you
  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    so sorry for your worries. Don't be angry with husband it takes a while for parents of difficult child's to be totally in sinc when it comes to crisis/trauma and knowing what is real and what is made up difficult child problems. If he is still in hospital tell his wife to talk to the doctors about his depression and the statements he is making. They will have him evaluated right there. Or tell them yourself. That is really all you can do. Prayers for your inner peace and strength and your difficult child's renewed and better outlook on life are being sent. -RM
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you rejected mom...

    Young difficult child called me aliitle while ago from his wifes moms house. He said he fell and that his wife got upset with him for being so loud and possibly waking up her mom. He said wife is being mean to him and he threatend to walk to our house which is a 45 minute drive.

    I can't go pick him up right now no car available to do so at the moment. husband said he could walk... I swear that man has the compassion of a flea where are difficult children are concerned... Can just see young difficult child walking with back brace and catheter.
    This is why young difficult child fears he will be in the streets... He knows husband does not want him at our house and he is being too overwhelming for his wife right now plus his mother in law dies not like him much.

    He was crying in the hospital alot and he told me they were trying different mood stabilizers on him. I know he mentioned lyrica.

    If his wife cannot take care of him I will insist to husband that we take him in, though husband will make it miserable I think.
    Oh goodness.

    Thank you for the prayers I am so very concerned about the situation.
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to read this post. Poor little difficult child has so many issues to start off with that this injury certainly will compound his overall state. Sure wish I had some "cure" or great advice. Just follow your gut and I will include you all in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs. DDD
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey LMS -

    (Hands umbrella) ----when it rains huh?

    Hugs for the storm. Wow. I am really not sure what to say about difficult child's wife. I cant' figure out if she's selfish beyond belief and looking to bail on a marriage that she sees no future in, or if she's just scared and uncertain about having to live with a disabled person for the rest of her life and worried out of her mind. I know exactly where all the thoughts are - but leaving never crossed my mind. Maybe if someone talked to her it would be a good idea? Because obviously whatever is spooking her? Is spooking him.

    I am so sorry for this trouble, but I know some of the best back doctors are in TX. As far as his depression? I refer to my statement above. He needs to know she's either behind him or not. Not half in half out. I think the doubt is crippling him more than the back. And the catheter? WOW - yeah at his age thinking colostomy bag isn't really a fun thought is it? I have a friend that had that happen at a young age, not much fun. Not sure what you could tell him to make him think otherwise - but swelling on backs takes time to go down and he needs to know exactly what is going on. As far as husband - UGH. Always has to be one thorn on a rose just can't think of anything nicer to say than that - so I'll just say - he needs to go talk to your pastor.

    Hugs -
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star hit the nail on the head in a big way.

    Young difficult child is scared this is possibly going to be permanent and needs to know someone has his back (pardon the pun). His wife may be as Star is saying above.......but she's going to have to make up her mind if she can manage "for better or worse, sickness and in health" and if not get out of the picture and make way for someone who can stick by him in this.

    easy child is going through this to some degree over her leg............and sister in law and I have already been talking. He's doing a fine job so far. Proud of him. But not everyone responds like that naturally......some have to overcome their own fears first. I think talking with her would be a good idea.

    I won't comment on your husband. Mine can be a full blown *ss at times.........but even he wouldn't treat a difficult child like that in the condition yours is in. He is certainly not helping the situation.

    So sorry young difficult child is having to go through this. I hope healing and recovery goes well.

    I'll be praying for him and you as well.

  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK it sounds to me a little bit like young difficult child is really playing on your sympathy and milking it quite a bit. I sypathize with him and I am sure he is not comfortable etc.... I do wonder exactly what and where the breaks are in his back. I woner this because I have been there. 12 years ago I fell and got a bad compression fracture in my back....basically kind of shattered on of my vertebrae... It was very hard in many ways as I had young children and I could not lift or drive etc....so that first 6 weeks was hard and yes I did need support and help as I am sure your son does. The only pain medications I took was vicodin and i did take them (as prescribed and i did not finish the prescription). But the truth is vertebrae do heal like other bones do...... and so after 7 weeks i could drive. It did take me awhile to be able to do all the things I normally do and I still take care of my back.... I don't lift really heavy things. If I get tired I will feel it in my back BUT I am in no way disabled. I do not have pain in my back unless i use it wrong or am really tired etc. So yes it affected me but it did not ruin my life and it did not disable me and I was in my 40's when it happened, so not as able as a 20 something.

    So this just happened, your son is feeling sorry for himself (I did too at times), and there is a lot he cannot do right now but this is NOT how it will be forever. Hopefully his wife will be supportive and help him through this.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tammy, I hate to say it but I had much the same reaction to this that toughlovin had. I am sure he is pain right now but he shouldnt be getting morphine for this pain, that is something for long term chronic pain. He would get something like vicodin or percocet which is for acute pain. It simply works better. It would be so not good for you to rescue him and make him mommy's little boy right now. I know how hard that is. He will try to force it with threats of being on the streets or living in boxes or whatever...no he wont be...they are far too resourceful for that.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hey Lady,

    I am sorry to hear he is so injured and also so sick mentally/emotionally. I have been through serious back problems and had two surgeries to fuse discs. I have been told that about every 5-10 years I will likely need another level fused. That is the BEST outcome according to the docs that I trust. Other health koi has made it even worse and now I may have a lot more than that to be done because complications.

    So I can say that he is likely in a LOT of pain. they do use morphine for acute pain, not just vicodin or percocet. But not for very long because it simply doesn't stay in the body long. Those who need morphine long term end up with implantible pumps that put small amts into their body so they don't need to take larger amounts orally. Given your boys both have had serious sub abuse problems, he needs to fight that pain with everything NON opiate that is possible. My exsil (gfgbro's wife) was an opiate addict in addition to being an alcoholic and she had a car accident that really messed up her back. But going to docs who would give her the most pain medications, and lots of hospital trips to get even more, well, they made her back a LOT worse.

    One rule of thumb is that he needs enough relief to keep him from going nuts and NOT enough relief to let him walk to your house or even think that he can walk to your house. It sounds like he is taking too much of the pain medications and then feels "okayish" and does stupid stuff that makes the pain a lot worse, then he takes too much medications and feels okayish and does stupid stuff that makes the probelms worse. The stuff like walking so far so soon after the injury makes the actual injury worse and makes recovering take longer, more expensive and far more complicated. I have seen it in so many people with injuries and too much medications and not enough understanding of what is going on inside their body.

    Hard as it sounds, your husband is right. Coming home would be a huge step back and he NEEDs to know that you BELIEVE in him, that he will get better and rebound from this, and that you believe he can do it. That is what he needs, not you and husband providing money and a place to live. Making him your little boy in your home will be a sign that no matter WHAT you say, that you don't believe he can handle this on his own, like a man. Would YOUR parents or husband's parents have let you move in if husband were hurt and not doing what he was supposed to and he was talking about just giving up and killing himself? Or would husband have gotten a swift kick in his pants and told to get going with what the doctor said and therapy and not medications?

    I know iwth the mood disorder it is different, and we both know he will need to get to a therapeutic level of medications and be there for 4-6 weeks before they do any significant help with his moods. In that time, he needs confidence - that knowledge that you truly, deep down in your gut, believe that he can ahndle this.

    They also need to go to social services. He cannot work, not sure what insurance they have, but he can likely get medicaid to cover this injury and also food stamps (done with a debit card now, so it is like paying iwth a regular debit card and no one knows but you) and even help with rent if needed. Possibly even TANF if he and his wife have not used that benefit in hte past. Depending on the kids' ages, WIC may also be a good option.

    I know you will do what you can to make sure he gets what he needs, but push for therapy (talk therapy) in addition to the medications, PT, etc.... He may actually qualify for disability at his age if this accident truly leaves him unable to work. So that is something to look into. But iwth worry that he will kill himself because he thinks he will be homeless in a wheelchair, well, the docs MUST know this and he likely may need to include some time in a psychiatric hospital to help him with all of this. I know he hates psychiatrists, etc.... but better he hate them and still need to go to one than to have him leave his children fatherless. You need to talk Occupational Therapist (OT) his wife and get some idea of his mental state to see if he is really thinking about suicide then he MUST be evalutaed ASAP - if nothing else those kids NEED their dad.

    Whatever works out as far as his body, it CAN be managed if his head/emotions are treated while his body is recovering. Giving up is what will make him stay in that wheelchair. I remember how determined he was to do what he wanted to do, and how charming and charismatic he was when I visited you. Even in a wheelchair he has those things and can use them to build a great life if he can get past the depression and use those to his advantage and not to get away with things that will only end up hurting him.

    Please let him know, if he remembers me in any reasonable way, that I am sorry he is so injured, that I have been through serious spinal problems and health issues since age 14 and that I truly, honestly believe he has what it takes to build a good life for his family whether he is in a wheelchair or not.

    many hugs to all of you.
  10. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I have to agree with Janet. Don't save him.
    He burned a lot of bridges and I'm sure his wife has put up with a lot. The fact her mother is a help should make him appreciative and a little less of complaining self absorbed baby boy.
    Helping him with support for his injuries is ok, be a mom, listen, offer suggestions but do not rescue him.
    Remember who he is and how he is. You have to be a mom to an adult child and not a 3 yr old.
    I understand husband's resentment and wish to protect this peace in his home. Both of you have been through he)) for many years. He works hard and wants to finally have a home where he doesn't live in crisis mode at all times.
    I'm sorry for his injuries. Hopefully he will heal and move on.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry to hear of this new development. My difficult child is a piece of work but when it is medical we help him out. No question of him moving back in here though. It just won't happen.

    If your difficult child cannot stay with mother in law anymore get him to MHMR I'm sure there are other solutions available. You just have to dig deep and hard to find them

    I cannot imagine your son walking anywhere at the moment. I can also understand how his depressed and erratic behavior is taking a toll on his wife and mother in law. It is hard being a mom of a difficult child I think it might be just as hard being the mother in law albeit for very different reasons. -RM
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't have much to add to what's already been said, but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. I know that with my Oldest, I've wrestled a lot with my feelings over her health issues... and struggle sometimes to figure out what my appropriate level of help should be when she's sick. It's not easy, and your difficult child's situation must very scary for you.
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for the very thoughtful responses to my sons situation. As with this thread so it is for husband and I...a Conflict. Cause you ALL are correct.

    Young difficult child has certain medical conditions but it doesn't mean he's disabled for life. And young difficult child does have an affection for pain medications...we've seen this over and over again. He also crys wolf constantly and it is often very difficult to discern what is a true emergency or crisis vs what is just young difficult child taking anything and everything to the extreme.

    Star...you speak from one who has been there done that and yes I think young difficult children wife is just very scared she is not being selfish just overwhelmed at the prospects.

    Fran...in husband's defense you are exactly right that he does not want the difficult child drama to invade our home again and also true that he works extremely hard for everything we have and expects both of his sons to do the same...to step up and be men that take care of/provide well for their families. Young difficult child has not done this since he got kicked out of the Army. It has been everyone else to their rescue over and over again.

    I will continue to read and reread this thread as you all are very insightful and have given me alot to think over.

    Thank you so much for your concern and interesting responses.
  14. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I don't have any advice to share but I am sending positive thoughts your way and your son's way. Hope his health turns for the better.
  15. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I wasn't sure what the outcome was after he went back to the hospital with urination problems. Those are a giant red flag that there is a big problem that might require immediate surgery. My friend's H had to have back surgery asap after he lost the ability to urinate. Inability to urinate could mean that there is an impingement on a nerve.

    As for his wife, she has babies to take care of and unless you've spoken to her, it's hard to know if she's really being "mean" or if difficult child is trying to manipulate you.
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Susie...normally the morphine used for acute pain is given in the hospital and not given as a script to take home in large quantities. Especially not to a person who may have narcotic addiction problems. The doctors who do that contribute to the narcotic addictions which make it difficult for those of us who do not abuse medications. It absolutely blows my mind why anyone would give a person oxycontin for a broken arm!