worried that new therapist

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mog, Nov 18, 2010.

  1. mog

    mog Member

    is taking difficult child backward instead of forward. During the time that difficult child was in the residential facility he was working with the therapist and he was doing really well. For those of you that remember I was bragging that he had really changed his attitude and we could talk and visit for HOURS and not have a single argument. He has only been in the independent living for a couple of weeks and he called tonight saying that the therapist thinks that our relationship is toxic and she would not advised him to come home after treatment. She is suggesting that he cut ties with us completely for three years then try to work on our relationship. I told him that HE has been away from the family for years basically. He has not been home for any of the holidays or birthdays for a long time. he missed two b-days then he had one with us then missed two. In all reality he is missing this one too. Yes we can go visit with him but he is not at home. We can't have him a party or invite family and friends. We have only had one conversation with her and now we were told that she is requesting that we do family therapy with the JPO present.
    I am hurt because we were starting to heal our relationship so well when he was at the other place and I don't understand what the heck happened. I told him that we are not expecting him to come live with us and treat him like he is little or anything. He should want to go off to school and live on his own so why NO contact at all. She doesn't even know us. We haven't even met.
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Is there any way you can get ahold of the therapist he saw before and get their opinion on all this?
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nothing like a therapist that is destructive instead of helpful. When my daughter was abusing drugs we were told we should trust her more.

    At his age I'm not sure you can interfere with the treatment, but if I were you I would certainly try to talk to him in a rational way. Can you make an appointment with the therapist to find out what's going on? Will your son sign a form that she can talk about him to you?

    Unfortunately, therapy is not a science and there are good and bad therapists and it's largely whether it's a fit or not a fit. I can't imagine any good therapist telling anyone to break ties with the family unless there is serious abuse going on. Unless he is embellishing things, which is possible.
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    OK First remember that whatever the therapist is telling him is based on what he is telling him or her. You don't really know what the therapist is saying, you just know what your son is telling you he is saying. It could be your son is trying to tell you that is how he feels but he is blaming it on the therapist rather than being able to say how he feels. So I would be real careful about jumping to conclusions about the therapist.

    That said there are good therapists and bad therapists. I think what I would do in this situation is ask your son if he has signed a release so that you can talk to the therapist. That might give you a clue into how your son is feeling. In either case call the therapist and say you want to touch base. If he has not signed a release then the therapist will not be able to tell you anything but you can at least let him know your concern.

    I think you will have a better sense of the therapist after you have talked to them.

    And remember even if your son feels that somehow your relationship is toxic that doesn't mean it is true. It is his perception of things at this time and 17 year olds can have pretty skewed preceptions at times.
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I agree with the other posters' thoughts. Also, remember that people can sometimes be toxic to others without being abusive or without intending to be toxic. Three years for a young person to get him/herself together is not unheard of and is probably more typical. Many times it takes being away from the family that raised them to establish one's own identity. Maybe you could suggest some months with less contact, then family therapy instead of complete distance from family for three years.