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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 762835" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Most of us develop some sort of PTSD-like reaction. I did. I got to the point where I don't want my son near my house. I know that I contributed to the problem because I panic around the thought of any potential breach of boundaries by him. I fall apart. </p><p></p><p>Painfully, I do not want to see my son now nor do I want to be with him. Of course, I miss him and I love him, but I have not found the skills and the strength to "bear him." The reality is, I don't feel I have to. I have given myself permission to feel what I feel and to give myself what I need. I have become more important to me, that he, in terms of feeling safe. I see feeling safe as different and as important if not more, as being safe.</p><p></p><p>It sounds like you know what you know and you feel what you feel. Trust yourself. The power is not with your stepson. Trust your husband. Trust that he will listen and hear what you say. It is undermining yourself and your relationship with him to not believe that he will support you and that he will be overcome by the manipulation of his son. </p><p></p><p>But I do not mean blind trust here. I mean creating trust by telling him how you feel and asking for his reassurance and support. There is risk here, but there is also the possibility for great gain in confidence and closeness. I would try to tell him what you would need from him to feel safe, the kind of support.</p><p></p><p>I suggest you do whatever it takes to begin to feel secure at home. Motion sensors, cameras, an alarm system, window locks. This is real. Whether or not they would hurt us, they are neither cognizant of nor feel responsible for how they affect us. And again, feeling safe is as essential to me as breathing. </p><p></p><p>My son is staying away from my house. But in the back of my mind, I fear when I hear a noise once in a while, that it could be him. I am not afraid of him in my conscious mind. I am afraid in my unconscious or subconscious mind, which is worse. I think one key is honoring what you feel. It does not mean that I do not love my son. It is what it is.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 762835, member: 18958"] Most of us develop some sort of PTSD-like reaction. I did. I got to the point where I don't want my son near my house. I know that I contributed to the problem because I panic around the thought of any potential breach of boundaries by him. I fall apart. Painfully, I do not want to see my son now nor do I want to be with him. Of course, I miss him and I love him, but I have not found the skills and the strength to "bear him." The reality is, I don't feel I have to. I have given myself permission to feel what I feel and to give myself what I need. I have become more important to me, that he, in terms of feeling safe. I see feeling safe as different and as important if not more, as being safe. It sounds like you know what you know and you feel what you feel. Trust yourself. The power is not with your stepson. Trust your husband. Trust that he will listen and hear what you say. It is undermining yourself and your relationship with him to not believe that he will support you and that he will be overcome by the manipulation of his son. But I do not mean blind trust here. I mean creating trust by telling him how you feel and asking for his reassurance and support. There is risk here, but there is also the possibility for great gain in confidence and closeness. I would try to tell him what you would need from him to feel safe, the kind of support. I suggest you do whatever it takes to begin to feel secure at home. Motion sensors, cameras, an alarm system, window locks. This is real. Whether or not they would hurt us, they are neither cognizant of nor feel responsible for how they affect us. And again, feeling safe is as essential to me as breathing. My son is staying away from my house. But in the back of my mind, I fear when I hear a noise once in a while, that it could be him. I am not afraid of him in my conscious mind. I am afraid in my unconscious or subconscious mind, which is worse. I think one key is honoring what you feel. It does not mean that I do not love my son. It is what it is. [/QUOTE]
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