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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 674944" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>4now, welcome and I'm glad you are here and find comfort on this forum. So many of us do.</p><p></p><p>Reading your post from last night was like deja vu all over again. I could go back immediately to those feelings of intense fear, the awful not-knowing. I remember thinking it would be better to know the worst as opposed to not knowing. </p><p></p><p>How old is your son? How many years have you been "at this"? </p><p></p><p>You sound like you have made a lot of progress, and I am thankful for you, for that.</p><p></p><p>Your post is about fear. I remember living in the grip of terror so often, so much of the time, when Difficult Child was on the street, homeless. When he was in jail, I was actually better, just sad. </p><p></p><p>Living in fear is not sustainable, I found over time. I had to change myself, as you have, in order to continue living. At some point I had to unhook myself from my son and any immediate, day to day outcomes.</p><p></p><p>This is a lesson I am still learning. Even though my son has been on an upward path for the past 18 months, there is still a lot of stuff to deal with, with him. I continue to learn. Several weeks ago he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, which thankfully is a disease many people live with, and ultimately can be cured of. I got over involved with him during that time, and I have had to step back. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks, and we have slowly started talking again. I talked with him by phone this week and didn't ask about his doctor's appointment, insurance, what's next, his hemorrhoid surgery that was canceled, etc. I just had a nice conversation with him about my recent trip and our Christmas plans for dinner and presents. </p><p></p><p>When we hung up, I was okay. I don't have to know it all today. I don't have to know when, what, how, where and why today. That is a huge shift for me. Huge. I find that when I can work to let go...really let go...I have peace. I feel peaceful. I don't feel anxious. I can accept whatever it is. Even playing the movie of the worst possible circumstances, which is still where my mind goes, sometimes, I can work toward acceptance.</p><p></p><p>I hope and pray your son is safe somewhere, and that he reaches out soon. This is the worst kind of fear and pain, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Perhaps, in time, you will see that you have taken yet another step forward in your own life journey, and I hope that is the case, for you, regardless of what he does or does not do.</p><p></p><p>Watching someone we love so much live a life like these lives our DCs live is the hardest possible way to learn about living life on life's terms. I can't imagine any situation harder. </p><p></p><p>We're here for you as we all walk forward on our journeys together. Warm hugs this morning.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 674944, member: 17542"] 4now, welcome and I'm glad you are here and find comfort on this forum. So many of us do. Reading your post from last night was like deja vu all over again. I could go back immediately to those feelings of intense fear, the awful not-knowing. I remember thinking it would be better to know the worst as opposed to not knowing. How old is your son? How many years have you been "at this"? You sound like you have made a lot of progress, and I am thankful for you, for that. Your post is about fear. I remember living in the grip of terror so often, so much of the time, when Difficult Child was on the street, homeless. When he was in jail, I was actually better, just sad. Living in fear is not sustainable, I found over time. I had to change myself, as you have, in order to continue living. At some point I had to unhook myself from my son and any immediate, day to day outcomes. This is a lesson I am still learning. Even though my son has been on an upward path for the past 18 months, there is still a lot of stuff to deal with, with him. I continue to learn. Several weeks ago he was diagnosed with Hepatitis C, which thankfully is a disease many people live with, and ultimately can be cured of. I got over involved with him during that time, and I have had to step back. We didn't talk for a couple of weeks, and we have slowly started talking again. I talked with him by phone this week and didn't ask about his doctor's appointment, insurance, what's next, his hemorrhoid surgery that was canceled, etc. I just had a nice conversation with him about my recent trip and our Christmas plans for dinner and presents. When we hung up, I was okay. I don't have to know it all today. I don't have to know when, what, how, where and why today. That is a huge shift for me. Huge. I find that when I can work to let go...really let go...I have peace. I feel peaceful. I don't feel anxious. I can accept whatever it is. Even playing the movie of the worst possible circumstances, which is still where my mind goes, sometimes, I can work toward acceptance. I hope and pray your son is safe somewhere, and that he reaches out soon. This is the worst kind of fear and pain, and I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Perhaps, in time, you will see that you have taken yet another step forward in your own life journey, and I hope that is the case, for you, regardless of what he does or does not do. Watching someone we love so much live a life like these lives our DCs live is the hardest possible way to learn about living life on life's terms. I can't imagine any situation harder. We're here for you as we all walk forward on our journeys together. Warm hugs this morning. [/QUOTE]
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