Worried

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Overit, Feb 9, 2017.

  1. Overit

    Overit New Member

    Hi this is my first post, I'm settled now but very concerned for my 10 year old daughter. My daughter has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, and I don't remember the name but it is a disrespect for authority figures at the age of 6. She takes Concerts daily although I don't like to give it to her when she is not at school.
    Last night I was cooking dinner and she came and demanded a milkshake. I refused telling her she could wait until after dinner. Within the next 5 mins she asked another 2 times with me giving her the same response. She decided to go and stir the pot and started abusing her brother of 19 who has a learning disability and myself because she couldn't get her own way. It started getting quiet heated into a 3 way argument so she decided it was a good time to ring her father.
    Her father could hear the argument in the background, her brother said what are you sobbing me into your dad again, (my son and her father have had a lot of past incident made while we were all living together) then her father started going off on the phone saying he was coming over to pick her up and punchnher brother in the mouth when he arrived.
    I had an AVO on him which has expired now as we have been separated for a couple of year s now, because he is a very aggressive and violent man which my daughter has never seen the full extent of but her brother has. For the records, my 2 children have different fathers both equally as aggressive and violent. I started to panic, yet she seemed quiet happy to get a great response from it all.
    After settling her father down on the phone she decided to text him back and tellnhim she was going to kill herself because she was so depressed. I told her she shouldn't be involving people into arguments they have nothing to do with. The way you carried on, I would not be able to stop him from taking you. Then she realised what she had done and started crying because she doesn't like going to her fathers because he is so agro and violent so she decided to next call her nan, my mum, to come and pick her up the next day before her dad arrived. mum also has an AVO on her father so he will not go near her house.
    Next minute I have mum on the phone wondering what's going on, her father on the phone again stressing out from the last message she had sent him, so I finally settle him down again and convince him not to do the 120km round trip without a licence to get her and then she grabs a knife and says she is going to kill herself. I take the knife and tell her not to be so silly so she grabs another knife and tries to stab her brother with it. He goes off at her and me for what has happened so she tries to leave the house but I manage to get her back inside in her bedroom.
    I suppose at this stage she could see how out of hand the situation had become.
    This is becoming a natural event in our household. I myself have had years of counselling due to my own violent step father and my 2 children's father. My kids have seen a lot of domestic violence from their fathers also so I tend to feel a lot of empathy towards their mood swings. My son is presently doing counselling weekly and my daughter has also done counselling over time.
    I could write a new story daily on the massive amount if energy she puts into getting attention.
    She can be a very loving, caring and quiet intelligent girl and then she changes into a very manipulative, disrespectful and destructive girl. She likes to spit on my carpet, which I make her clean up, and throws clothes, garbage and anything she picks up onto the floor.
    I am at my wits end but love her very much and am very concerned for her future.
    The police brought her home aged 7 when she went missing, she constantly talks strangers and has even asked for lifts home. She is provocative in front of older boys and generally doesn't listen to a word it say.
    I have taken virtually everything away that she likes to try and make her realise she is doing the wrong thing, so then she just works even harder to upset me. I virtually don't let her out of my sight anymore because I'm scared of her going with a stranger or getting in trouble.
    I originally wrote this post in the wrong section and have rewritten it making it 4 am in the morning. I will check for a response in the morning as I'm getting tired. Thankyou for listening to my venting
     
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Overit

    I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like a handful for a single mom or any mom!

    I do not have any experience with this but others do and will be along to offer their advice.

    Hang in there!
     
  3. Overit

    Overit New Member

    Thank you I decided to get onto this page as I can feel quiet overwhelmed at times and want to talk to others who may be going through the same thing, it just helps to air your thoughts at times. My daughter isn't always this bad although she tests my patience daily some days are far worse then others, thanks again for letting me know that someone is listening without bias :)
     
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW! She sounds like more than a handful!

    Please, when she grabs knives, she is dangerous. ANY attempt to harm herself NEEDS to be met with professional help. The very next time she does something like this, call for emergency help. I don't think you are in the United States, so I don't know the number for the police. Here it would be 911, but call the emergency number and tell them that you have a very young girl with mental health problems who is threatening to harm herself and others and you need safe transport to a psychiatric hospital for children.

    I think your daughter has more going on that ODD and ADHD. These mood swings seem like something else is going on, maybe bipolar disorder. Of course I cannot diagnose anyone, but some of her behaviors fit. The provocative behavior is actually a symptom, as are the extreme differences in her behaviors from quiet and loving to wild and violent and agitating everyone.

    Does she have a cell phone? I would cut it off if she does. Calling and riling up her father over an argument she started, then upsetting her grandmother sounds to me like a reason that she just is not mature enough to handle the responsibility of easy access to a telephone. I would keep phones away from her for a while until she is more mature. I would insist that my cell phone be locked up and her brothers be put away in his room, and that she not have access to a phone for quite some time. Not so much as a punishment, but more because she simply is not mature enough to use one responsible. If she is going to get someone hurt and that is her sole use for the phone, that is a big sign that she needs supervision when using the phone.

    You might want to read about Early Onset Bipolar to see if you think it might fit her. There are quite a few good books out there about it. The Bipolar Child is one of them.
     
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  5. Overit

    Overit New Member

    Thankyou for your input Susiestar I was also thinking bipolar as her uncle is medicated for bipolar and I feel she is beyond just ADHD. The only reason I like her having her phone is when she goes missing , so I can find her. She usually isn't very far away but it always seems to be just as its getting dark, like tonight one minute she's there next minute shes gone, I called her and she is up the street somewhere chasing a baby bush turkey, she seems
    to be so easily influenced by the strangest things, in this case she saw the turkey and wanted it, she took off, o didn't even know she was gone then I'm telling her to get home and she takes her time like she doesn't have a worry in the world. A lot of associated behaviour seems to be impulsive. She has a meeting with her paediatrician next week so I want to bring up a couple of these things with her and was going to see if I can get some more pshycological assistance in understanding how better to manage her and hopefully get an idea of what's going on in her head. All I want to do is help her, I don't want her to suffer when she gets older with problems. I only let her have her phone at home. The night I got out of hospital last week she did the same thing, supposed to b riding out the front of the house and then she's gone, I'm panicking because it is dark and I was supposed to be resting after anesthetic, mum ended up finding her around the next street playing with a kitten. She was the same, not a care in the world, wanted us all to come and see it while I'm trying to explain what she did was wrong and even worse being I was just out of hospital and unable to come and find her
     
  6. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    1. Call the police on the dad when he threatens you or your family (punch boy). This is considered "assault" in many states and is a crime.

    2. Take the cell phone away from your daughter. She can use it if she is using it in an acceptable manner. If she is using it as a tool to cause trouble, then no phone for a period of time.

    3. When she threatens to commit suicide, call 911.

    4. Go about doing your cooking!
     
  7. Overit

    Overit New Member

    Thanku all again. Since then have visited her dad and had a serious talk about the way he reacted to a situation he wasnt supposed to be involved in. He reminded me that he is her dad and was worried for.her, he knows now that I am capable of sorting out any problems here without violence. She has had her phone removed now since that night, and we have spoken about not trying to manipulate people when she can't get her own way and the seriousness of the situation she created. She ended up apologising to each person she had upset on her own accord which has made me feel there is hope :) she has also had her pocket money taken away. Tonight my daughter, son, and myself have sat down for a family discussion on how to be more respectful to each other and I also pointed out that I pay the majority of the bills in the house therefore I make the rules and if they don't want to abide by my rules they can find somewhere else to live other than in my house. I gave them both the opportunity to say what they felt was right or wrong within the house and they have agreed on my terms and together have made an understanding between them of what each other can use of the other persons property to stop fights that do not need to occur, back to the respect part of our conversation. Although my son is 19 with his learning disability he is more in the age group of about a 12-13 year old, that is why I think they find pleasure in tormenting each other because they know they can push my buttons. The big rule in the end is hands off, no-one here has the right to touch anyone else in the house as they often lash out at each other. I don't know how this will end up but I'm usually willing to try anything. I'm trying to make them understand I have had violence around
    Me from a very early age and now at 45 I have had enough, explaining that this is the reason we live alone and I hoped to take them away from the violence they were exposed to not to find they are now being violent and let them understand that I want a house of peace and I'm willing to live on my own in order to get that peace. My son agreed, my daughter is quiet remorseful that she did the wrong thing. I can only hope now that they will stick to their side of the bargain
     
  8. Praecepta

    Praecepta Active Member

    Wonderful!

    She should be rewarded in some manner for this good behavior. I like to "catch" kids doing something good, then reward them. I certainly prefer that to punishing them (which sometimes seems harder on me then on them!).

    And excellent job on your end too! Great to "talk" to the other people in the family. Many people have forgotten how to do this these days.
     
  9. Overit

    Overit New Member

    Thanks, I want to try and show them the best way possible to resolve conflict, its easier to discuss problems once they have settled down rather than in the heat of the moment, I want to be fair and as you said, sometimes it feels the punishment is harder to serve then take lol its great having peoples advise and backing when sometimes everyone is telling you your going about it all the wrong way. I'm happy I have found this site for sensible, non judgemental advise :) 2am again lol time for bed, I just find it peaceful at this time of night and like to relax while I don't have to do the mum thing.