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Worse and worse
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 724980" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Greetings.</p><p>If you have been reading, you know that I believe in tough love and feel it is THE most compassionate step we can take for our addicts, that my own meth/cocaine daughter quit and is twelve years clean and that I personally am flabbergasted that so many parents buy their intoxicated, non working adult kids cars (a car is a guided missile when an addict drives, plus it requires tons of money, insurance and gas...For all the reasons why it isn't helping your daughter, I wouldn't buy an addicted adult a car. Ever.) But it is done.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is probably using, maybe even heroin again. Anything you buy her will be sold for drug money. The car probably was a s***tload of drugs. $20 will even go for drugs. We cut our daughter off. She was NOT going to die because she paid for her drugging with our help, our money. She would have to die on someone else's dime. I say die because the speed made my gorgeous nineteen year old addict look like a wasted away old lady with terrible skin. She looked like the walking dead. Al Anon saved us and her. We made her leave our home, no money, no car, no more help from us because she used every bit of help against us. And to harm herself.</p><p></p><p>Because she had no money and her older, stern straight laced brother let her live in his basement, but only if she never smoked, worked, paid rent and cleaned up his place...she did what he said. She knew he would have thrown her out with one infraction and that we were not an option. She got a job and walked to and from work in the Chicago winter and neither froze to death or even caught a cold. She paid rent. She cooked meals for the guys who lived there. She cleaned. She quit drugs, even cigarettes and met her boyfriend of now twelve years. We grew close again. She paid to go for a two year course in college. She and boyfriend bought a house. She is good mother to my dear granddaughter.</p><p></p><p>I don't believe she would have done one thing to quit if we had followed our soft hearts and kept doing for her and giving to her. It had to get hard for her, with no options, for her to turn her life around. And we had to worry at home, alone, but act not worried to her and not give in to her tears. And she was only nineteen. You have a grandchild...that makes it worse. Your daughter is not a fit mother. Your options are to do nothing, to call CPS and tell all (I would) or to go to court to get custody from her, if you are up to it. I like option #2.</p><p></p><p>Do all adult addicts respond to tough Love? Nope. Some stay addicts. Many end up in prison. You may have excused her transgression against you, but strangers won't. </p><p></p><p>I have been a member on this forum for over ten years and read many stories like yours. Helping them doesn't help them. The drug users who get their lives together are the ones who are no longer receiving any help from home. I can't think of one example of an addict turning his life around while Mom was giving "help." It is normally after both Mom and Dad say, No more, and mean no more. Unlike when they have the flu, nurturing and kindness does not move an addict forward to success. A desperate life does, if anything does.</p><p></p><p>You heard my words and probably knew what they would be. I care deeply about your troubles and hope you join Al Anon or get into therapy to seek help for YOU. This is soul destroying for them...and us. And we matter too! Please dont lose yourself. You can not save your daughter nor in my opinion should you try. It hasn't worked yet. It won't.</p><p></p><p>The baby you have options to help...cps or trying for custody. I would take action to protect the innocent little one. Too bad if addict mom throws a toddler tantrum if you call CPS on her...the baby needs stable care, a foster home, at least. Your daughter has a long way to go to be stable and isn't trying.</p><p></p><p>Love and hugs. This is hard.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 724980, member: 1550"] Greetings. If you have been reading, you know that I believe in tough love and feel it is THE most compassionate step we can take for our addicts, that my own meth/cocaine daughter quit and is twelve years clean and that I personally am flabbergasted that so many parents buy their intoxicated, non working adult kids cars (a car is a guided missile when an addict drives, plus it requires tons of money, insurance and gas...For all the reasons why it isn't helping your daughter, I wouldn't buy an addicted adult a car. Ever.) But it is done. Your daughter is probably using, maybe even heroin again. Anything you buy her will be sold for drug money. The car probably was a s***tload of drugs. $20 will even go for drugs. We cut our daughter off. She was NOT going to die because she paid for her drugging with our help, our money. She would have to die on someone else's dime. I say die because the speed made my gorgeous nineteen year old addict look like a wasted away old lady with terrible skin. She looked like the walking dead. Al Anon saved us and her. We made her leave our home, no money, no car, no more help from us because she used every bit of help against us. And to harm herself. Because she had no money and her older, stern straight laced brother let her live in his basement, but only if she never smoked, worked, paid rent and cleaned up his place...she did what he said. She knew he would have thrown her out with one infraction and that we were not an option. She got a job and walked to and from work in the Chicago winter and neither froze to death or even caught a cold. She paid rent. She cooked meals for the guys who lived there. She cleaned. She quit drugs, even cigarettes and met her boyfriend of now twelve years. We grew close again. She paid to go for a two year course in college. She and boyfriend bought a house. She is good mother to my dear granddaughter. I don't believe she would have done one thing to quit if we had followed our soft hearts and kept doing for her and giving to her. It had to get hard for her, with no options, for her to turn her life around. And we had to worry at home, alone, but act not worried to her and not give in to her tears. And she was only nineteen. You have a grandchild...that makes it worse. Your daughter is not a fit mother. Your options are to do nothing, to call CPS and tell all (I would) or to go to court to get custody from her, if you are up to it. I like option #2. Do all adult addicts respond to tough Love? Nope. Some stay addicts. Many end up in prison. You may have excused her transgression against you, but strangers won't. I have been a member on this forum for over ten years and read many stories like yours. Helping them doesn't help them. The drug users who get their lives together are the ones who are no longer receiving any help from home. I can't think of one example of an addict turning his life around while Mom was giving "help." It is normally after both Mom and Dad say, No more, and mean no more. Unlike when they have the flu, nurturing and kindness does not move an addict forward to success. A desperate life does, if anything does. You heard my words and probably knew what they would be. I care deeply about your troubles and hope you join Al Anon or get into therapy to seek help for YOU. This is soul destroying for them...and us. And we matter too! Please dont lose yourself. You can not save your daughter nor in my opinion should you try. It hasn't worked yet. It won't. The baby you have options to help...cps or trying for custody. I would take action to protect the innocent little one. Too bad if addict mom throws a toddler tantrum if you call CPS on her...the baby needs stable care, a foster home, at least. Your daughter has a long way to go to be stable and isn't trying. Love and hugs. This is hard. [/QUOTE]
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