would it be wrong to say..

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Kjs, Feb 21, 2009.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    at our marriage counseling session, that I want to be loved, emotionally and physically, and I want our relationship to come first. If that cannot happen being there is a waste of time and money.

    Can I say that or should I wait it out? I thought all night about how much I would love to have someone who wanted to be with me. Thought of husband and how it use to be. Then thought that his father, who died many years ago was single. His two uncles and brother were also divorced.

    I don't want to waste my life waiting for husband to want me. I don't think that will happen at this point. So instead of going through all the motions and all the fighting at the counseling, can I just say..Stop. This is what I want and if this can't happen then I don't want to try.

    Dr. cancelled last weeks session because of snow. Wimp. We were going to drive there (20 miles). But they had more snow than us I guess.

    Anyway I just feel it is useless to put up this act of he said, she said, he did, she did....Either yes or no. Don't waste my time.

    Can I say that?
  2. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, absolutely you SHOULD say that. Because then it puts on the table what your KEY goals are for going to counseling.

    The counselor may not like it and your H may feel put on the spot, but so what? You have a right to state what your ultimate goal is in attending counseling sessions.

    You should be very up front and state what your needs are. I mean, otherwise, what is the point? To simply sit in that room and rehash old fights and make each other feel like garbage?

    It is one thing to go to counseling so you can have a better understanding of why one party is feeling hurt and angry or resentful. But ultimately, in my opinion, it comes down to what each party is really desiring as a long term plan. I think by you putting this out there, you will get a real feel for how H feels and whether or not he's willing to put in the work required to get your marriage together again. This is exactly what I plan on doing if H and I ever get into a counselor's office. Because, like you, if neither of us is willing to do the work to get it together, I am bailing asap. I hope it works out better for you. I'm at the end of my very short and fraying rope, personally. Hugs~
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    I think that would be perfectly acceptable. After all, that is what your goal to the sessions are. Can't work on the goals if they are not spelled out in the beginning.

    Make a list of the things you miss - your memories from the early days of the marriage as a start of what you would like to see happening.

    Let him know that you feel that many of these things were lost when "his" child was born. That it seems like he dropped you and your other child at that point and now only cares about "his" child. (That was one of your situations? Or am I getting you mixed up with someone else?)

    Make a list of things that you believe will help get your family back on the path you want to be on. Than choose one or two (no more than three) to work on at a time. The first two I would suggest would be 1. Date night once a week and 2. Family time once a week. I suggest the family time because his relationship with every person of the family also reflects on your relationship with him. You can not feel great if you feel one child is being favored over the other. Your roles as parents during family time will also strengthen your roles as a couple.

    This weekend is giving you time to ponder things and work on what you need. I think spelling things out during counselling sessions is what the sessions are for.
  4. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I agree with Jo, you should say EXACTLY that! Because it's the truth! If that's what you want out of all this, just say it! Beating around the bush and going back and forth is all rather fruitless if it's not accomplishing anything ... unless your goal is just to 'get along' and be able to co-exist in the same house like roommates - and I don't think that's what you want.
  5. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    ABSOLUTELY (in my best WI accent).

  6. ML

    ML Guest

    I agree with the others, putting your goal up front will set the tone and let everyone know where you want to go with therapy. husband may not be ready to state his own feelings yet because he's been sick a long time. So I would encourage you to be slightly patient with him to come to terms with what he wants for himself. I am very happy that you are at this place in your relationship, K. Love, ML
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    It's NEVER wrong to express your needs.

    That said, I would give it some time. At least 6 months.

  8. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I think it's quite reasonable to ask husband exactly what he expects to get out of this. If he truly wants to fix the marriage, great. If not, then it would be a waste of money and your time. You deserve to be loved and if he can't or won't then it's time to move on.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I agree that it is an excellent idea to put the cards on the table at the very next session. Why go through all the work if he is not willing to work toward the same goals? It will let you know if you should keep slogging through the relationship muck to try and "fix" things, or if you should cut bait and go for a separation.

    I am so glad you have had time to think about this. About what you truly need, and about confronting husband with it in front of the counsellor.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Yep. Put it right out there on the table. You have a right to know upfront if you're wasting your time and effort.

    I went to a therapist for awhile after the truck accident that happened to open my eyes permanently as to husband. therapist wanted to focus on my relationship with husband. After a few sessions I got fed up. I wasn't there because of husband, I was there to learn to cope with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) issues.

    So I told her, what relationship with husband? There was none and really never had been. I was the relationship. If it hadn't been years worth of effort on my part.......the marriage would've been over in it's early years. husband could've been spoiled and loved outta his mind......all he had to do was love me back and make an honest effort at the relationship. husband can't/won't do that. therapist told me I was being too hard on husband. I told her then she needed to live with the man. lol At that point husband had had 20 yrs worth of chances and opportunity. I was done. The love was dead. No amount of rehashing was going to change it.

    After 25 yrs of it being all me........uh, no. I deserve better. I deserve to be loved and cherished. So I'm working on my freedom. IF husband can wake up and get a clue before then.......I dunno. Like I said, the love is dead. I don't know if he could do anything at this point to turn it around.

  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I agree with the others...I think you should say exactly that, and go from there.
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    I admire that YOU know what you want....... sometimes just figuring that out takes the longest time...... hope your differences can be resolved..........