Would you go...?

[DaisyFace]

Hello all--

Just wanted to get a few opinions on something.

I don't write about it often, but I have a "broom closet" of my own. My own mother is a difficult person for me to deal with--very passive/aggresive....and now that I'm learning more about Borderline (BPD) in regards to my daughter--I'm thinking that my mother possibly has Borderline (BPD), as well.

At any rate, my mother likes to make me the butt of her jokes....always has lots of funny things to say at my expense...and is very critical of me and my family (with the exception of difficult child--who she thinks is the most wonderful person in the world). I usually come away from any interaction with her feeling hurt and upset.

And in true Borderline (BPD) style--there is no apology from her...ever. There is no reasoning or talking with her...nothing is her fault. If you are upset--it must be your problem....but if you say something out-of-line to this woman? She will rail about it for weeks, months, even years about how mean, hurtful, unreasonable you were to say whatever it was that you said.

Things have been better since we moved some 800 miles from her.

So here's my dilemma--

My sister is throwing a birthday party for my twin nieces. It is out-of-town, so it would be an overnight stay with my sister. I would like to go...

However, my mother will be spending the weekend at my sister's house, too--which means if things get unpleasant, I won't have an easy way out. I will be stuck for the weekend.

husband says I should just skip it--he feels there will be no way of avoiding my mother's hurtful words. He actually offered to go with me--but has warned me that he will not bite his tongue. The second she says something even the slightest bit inappropriate he is going to 'let her have it'.

So that's not a good option for keeping things peaceful...

What do you think? Should I stay or should I go?

(Or should I bring husband and sit back and enjoy the fireworks?...I'd rather not.)

Opinions welcome...

Thanks for your thoughts!

--DaisyFace

 

[hearts and roses]

I think you should go only if you can afford to have a hotel room. Consider it money well spent should the need arise for a little respite from mommy dearest. If you can't afford a hotel, is there another family member you could stay with? If both are not doable, I would seriously consider bowing out of this event and sending a nice gift instead.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. I have opted out of certain family events to avoid my sister's drama over the years and I have never regretted it, once. I kept my sanity and didn't get my feelings hurt.

 

[muttmeister]

I was thinking the same thing as JoG said. Get a motel room nearby if you can. Otherwise, I would develop some pressing engagements I'm unable to skip and send my regrets.

 

[ThreeShadows]

Oh, Daisy! I had a mother who was exactly like that and I sure wish my husband had had the guts to put her in her place, so you are at an advantage there. My mother objectified me in front of others, complained to them right in front of me as if I were an inanimate object.

Can you afford to stay at an hotel so you can get away when things get uncomfortable? I can't breath just thinking of you stuck in an enclosed space with a woman who makes you the butt of her jokes.

Personally, if she is that destructive, I wouldn't go. I'm getting really activated thinking about your situation and my mother has been dead for years. I stayed with my aunt while she was dying at home and my mother visited every Wed. I couldn't leave the house because I didn't trust my mother. That's when I started having anxiety attacks.

 

[witzend]

If you want to be there for your neices, I would go and stay in the hotel room and take hubby, too. Your mom isn't going to back off because you're not sleeping at your sister's house. Under no circumstances would I go and "take it". If nothing you say will stop her, then there's no reason to subject yourself to it. But, if it is possible that something your husband would say would at the very least show everyone who has laughed that you aren't treated that way by anyone other than your ill-mannered littler than thou mother, I'd go in a heartbeat and take him with me. But only if his reaction time is spot on. There could be no lag whatsoever.

 

[klmno]

Like Tourette's Syndrome, I think there are a few of us here that have toxic mothers. My first gut reaction to your post was to recommend not going, but if you really want to go and can keep her words and actions rolling off your back and not let her ruin your happiness, then by all means GO. But I really like the suggestion of having a separate place to stay. Still, in my experience, whenever we get around a toxic person we run the risk of the best intentions and well-made plans going awry. I've been reading a book about this- it has a long list of comebacks we can say to snide remarks made by toxic people- I'd be happy to share! LOL!

 

[ThreeShadows]

Klmno! Please DO share! Read my post in PE, I need help.

 

[klmno]

LOL!! Ok, I'll get the book and put them on a thread but it will be a little later today because I need to get some other things done first. I read your thread, Tourette's Syndrome, and am mulling it over.

 

[KTMom91]

My opinion: go for your nieces only if you want to go. Get a hotel room rather than stay anywhere near your mom. Otherwise, stay home and send a nice present.

 

[DammitJanet]

I would get a hotel room, preferably with an indoor pool if where you are going isnt warm! Maybe a nice jacuzzi for you and husband if he goes with you...lol. Heck...more I think about it, more I like it. Spend a few hours with family, then high-tail it back to hotel central for some downtime. You need it! Tell them you guys have been "ill"...lol.

 

[DaisyFace]

Thanks everyone--

I guess I will not be going...

The party for the twins sounded like such fun, and such a nice break from difficult child and all the stress going on over here.

But, after hearing everyone's opinions, I realize that I would only be trading one sort of stress for another and probably wouldn't end up having the fun time I wanted.

(And I'm really not interested in playing games and having witty comebacks to retort rude comments--it's just not my style.)

Thank you for your help!

--DaisyFace

 

[Star*]

Daisy,

I guess maybe I think a little differently so here's my thoughts.

1.) You already know that most/any interaction with your Mother brings unpleasant words, hurtful memories, it's been unavoidable for years, and not looking like it will ever change due to her mental illness. Borderline (BPD) is something that she could learn to control; not get rid of. However at this point it does not sound like she CHOOSES to control it or improve herself. So point and case - the only thing you can do is avoid her toxicity. That being the case?

a.) Why go? Why even get a hotel room?
If you go, and your Mother is ugly your husband has already said he will "Let her have it." Hmm "Let her have it?" Not good. She's mentally ill. I understand the overwhelming urge to want to defend you, and rake her over the coals in front of your family, but what he's negating here? That's also your sisters Mother, and the other family members relative. Whether he would say whatever he would say in front of them (doubtful because he sounds like a first class man to me) or whether he would take her outside?
b.)He's still going to do it, and she will come inside and then cry or throw a fit and the focus would be ON HER. Not on the twins. That would be what is remembered at the baby's birthday party. Uncle X made a scene, upset Grandma and then left with Aunt Daisy.

My suggestion?

If it's a party that you're wanting? WHY NOT call your sister and make a date where the twins get a second party with just you, her, them and do something special FOR the twins where you don't have Mommy Dearest broomcloset there to spoil it? True, the rest of your family won't be there for you to socialize with, but the celebration is for the twins' birthday correct? So celebrate that. Kinda like Christmas. I mean we all know Jesus wasn't born on Dec. 25th, but we get that morning and celebrate it anyway. So make arrangements for a day /weekend trip with your sister and plan something EXTRA SPECIAL for the twins.....maybe take them to the learning museum not far from your place---and ask about the birthday party room, or a bowling alley and do streamers, balloons, cake.....and just have a day with cameras, cake, candles.....and you guys.

No hassles, no one being ugly.....lots of fun....and a 2nd celebration for 2 very special people in your life. Plus a much needed day out for you.

Kinda win/win if you ask me. (yawn)
Oh and as far as your Mother ever finding out? Who cares? If she says something? .....Again.....So what? You couldn't make it to the other party and wanted to do something SPECIAL with just you and your sisters kids.

Make it a tradition. Every year it's SECRET Party - No one invited BUT your family the twins and your sister. Would give them something to look forward to at least until they're 12.

 

[DaisyFace]

If you go, and your Mother is ugly your husband has already said he will "Let her have it." Hmm "Let her have it?" Not good. She's mentally ill. I understand the overwhelming urge to want to defend you, and rake her over the coals in front of your family, but what he's negating here? That's also your sisters Mother, and the other family members relative. Whether he would say whatever he would say in front of them (doubtful because he sounds like a first class man to me) or whether he would take her outside?
b.)He's still going to do it, and she will come inside and then cry or throw a fit and the focus would be ON HER. Not on the twins. That would be what is remembered at the baby's birthday party. Uncle X made a scene, upset Grandma and then left with Aunt Daisy.

Star--

You are EXACTLY right. This is EXACTLY what would happen.

I like your ideas... We will probably just send a gift for now and do something sepcial when the weather gets a bit nicer.

Thanks!

--Daisyface