Would you or wouldn't you?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jan 12, 2011.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I rec'd a call from wm over the weekend ~ he was feeling very sad because of the anniversary of husband's death. We talked a bit & then he "invited" me to his next therapy session (this coming Friday).

    The last time I attended (well over a year ago) I was verbally attacked by my son regarding every hurt (imagined & otherwise), every feeling of anger, his feelings of abandonment, now that kt is doing okay why can't he move home, etc, etc, etc? I had no warning this was to be confrontational & I walked out of the appointment.

    I've been feeling very fragile, both physically & emotionally. wm's therapist isn't being honest about the content of this appointment nor is his in home therapist who attends with wm. My psychiatrist & therapist want me to distance myself from kt & wm's antics (tho that's easier said than done).

    I'm not getting reassurances from either of wm's tdocs about the boundaries I would like to set up before this appointment.

    Would you attend? Why would you attend if you did?
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I think I'd ask wm straight out if it was going to be a repeat of the last one. I think I'd also tell the docs that if they don't give you a far better idea of what is going on, to not expect you to show up because of the previous time.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't attend the meeting. I would, however, let Wm know in advance that you are not up to a meeting at this time so he won't be disappointed or imagine there is some sinister reason for your absence.

    Really your health and well being should be your first priority. Even if you were to attend I don't see where it would be of benefit to Wm. Sadly you each have to cope with your own sadness. Hugs. DDD
  4. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    My gut says it's too risky and you have to protect yourself at this time. That doesn't mean there won't be other times in the future.

    I've learned that when I recognize so clearly that I'm fragile, I can quickly spiral way, way down unless I am vigilant with my physical/mental health. Stay on a steady path until you are feeling better, and maybe next time you can go see wm.
  5. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    What about having your therapist talk to wm's to find out what the real agenda is? And present your concerns?
  6. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Linda... I think I agree. Tell wm not this time... Because you're not well, and at some point in the future you and he may both be ready. But not yet.

    Hugs, sweetie.
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't, Linda. Especially if no one is being clear about the purpose behind the meeting. You need to protect yourself from attack, confrontation, or whatever else wm might be planning.

    Many hugs.
  8. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I would not. I cannot think of any good that will come out of it.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    If wm's therapist cannot offer reassurances of boundaries, then I definitely would not go. I would be inclined not to go in any case.
  11. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I'd pass.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with the others.
  13. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Me too. And what kind of therapist won't discuss REASONABLE boundries with the parent????
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Linda, your instincts are ringing alarm bells over this. I think you should listen to them. I agree with the others...tell wm not this time.
    I also question wm's tdocs and their unwillingness to either work with you to set up boundaries OR to disclose the content of the meeting. Not appropriate at all.
  15. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree with everyone else. I think it is a good idea not to go. I especially don't like that the therapists aren't being very open about this.
  16. They probably can't tell you the content of the meeting because they don't flipping know. You probably would be attacked there -- history tends to repeat itself. I suspect that I'd show just because curiosity killed the cat and I like to test myself. But that's me and maybe I'm just kind of dumb that way or a glutton for punishment or something. However, I do believe that your intuition tells you stuff that your rational mind doesn't want to acknowledge, so if your instincts are telling you no, then there's your answer. Self-preservation is a marvelous thing. Sorry you're feeling fragile -- you don't need people heaping stuff on you just because they are miserable and want to share it. Good luck, lady. Thoughts and prayers are with you at this tough time.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Don't go. Just because we are parents with kids in therapy who want us there does NOT mean that it is a good or healthy idea for us to attend - ESPECIALLY with tdocs who know the history and will not set boundaries ahead or give you any idea of what is being planned. NOthing good can come from a "beat up mom" session and most difficult children are still in this mindset at his age - and he has shown to be there himself.

    This feels like a set-up to me - with the tdocs in collusion. Unless there has been HUGE HUGE progress toward consistent appropriate behavior (and the presence of the second therapist in the sessions makes me think this is NOT the case) I don't think that you are needed in any of his sessions.

    Given your health issues, and your emotional fragility at this time, I would tell wm that your docs do not feel you are strong enough to attend. I am quite sure if you ask them that they WILL say this - it is common sense. You might tell the therapist that your docs would be more likely to approve if you had some idea of what to expect at the session, but currently the health problems are limiting what you are able to do and endure and participate in.

    Part of me says that wm could be planning something sweet and wonderful - and it is true. But it is so unlikely, esp with the way the adults in control of the session are behaving, that I would NOT risk it in your health. I cannot see benefits here that would outweigh the risks.
  18. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I've taken your wise thoughts & responses seriously & called wm's attachment/adoption therapist to let her know that I will not be attending. I called wm as well ~ while he already knows that I fear him I told him that for health reasons I couldn't attend. Don't think he bought it.

    wm called this afternoon to inform me that he & Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) therapist could stop by here after his appointment tomorrow; because kt is taking online high school & would be home Integrated Listening Systems (ILS) therapist isn't allowed (stated in treatment plan) to bring wm here. kt cannot be here if/when wm visits. So I had to let wm know that - he was unhappy & rude but handled it.

    Thanks, ladies ~ I always consider all you have to offer very seriously.
  19. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    You know, I really wonder if the suggestion somewhat made above that maybe wm has something positive to share with you that he has made or whatever isn't what is going on. If it is, the flippin therapist ought to have told you in general terms that that is what the agenda is. Anyway, I guess chances of that are pretty slim.