Wow. Either I am TOO detatched...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mstang67chic, Jul 3, 2010.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    ....or husband is further away from detatchment than I thought.

    Sunday's are the normal visiting days at the jail....or so we thought. I'm not sure if it was because of the holiday or what but they changed it to today so we missed it. Not that it mattered though because difficult child never did put us (or anyone) down on his visitor's list.

    Anyhoo....husband had called the jail to find out if we were on the list and was told that difficult child had been moved to a different block. When he hung up he looked at me and said "I wish someone would have let us know that."



    It's JAIL. They aren't going to call difficult child's mommy and daddy to tell them that their widdle boy is in a different block. OMG!!!

    We also found out that because difficult child was doing trustee work, he will be released on Tuesday instead of Thursday. He's out of money on his phone account and husband asked if I was going to put more on there. WHy? He's out in 3 days and he only calls us for money anyway.

    husband: Well, he probably needs to call us to make arrangements about getting out.

    Me: What arrangments? They told you he'll be processed out at 6:30 that evening and you're off. What arrangments need to be made? He can either walk home (it's like 5 blocks away) or you can go down there and get him. He'll see you in the lobby when he walks out. (the lobby is about the size of my living room)

    Honestly. Am I being beachy about this or what??? :slap:
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Snicker... Giggle!!!

    OMG... Yup. Think you're fine. Think husband needs some help!
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

  4. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    I think you're doing just spendidly!
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Send a limo - (to the house and take yourSELF out for a night) eeeeeeesch.
  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'd say husband needs some work on his detatchment skills. ..(lol Star!)
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oh my... husband has an awful long way to go.
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    You're doing fine. husband needs to relax.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think husband is probably regressing a bit on his detachment skills. When the whole issue of jail for their sons comes up, fathers get very strange. Especially if it is the first time the son has been there. I didn't realize it until my Dad totally shut down emotionally when my bro was in jail. My father stopped expressing ANY emotion on any level. He crawled into his job and his computer and could handle exactly NONE of the things that had to be arranged, taken care of, or even visits and court dates. My mom had to handle all of it by herself after they bailed him out the first time.

    Later I realized that Dads go through a bit of a freak-out because they all think, at least on some level, that every man who spends time in jail is raped. I didn't believe it until first my husband said it, then a couple of male friends said it, then every guy at a large al anon meeting agreed. Your husband is probably worried every day that it will be the day your son is attacked. Not all guys can even admit that they have the fear. It took my dad several years to be able to admit it to my mom. My parents were friends with the man who ran the jail my bro was in, so he was watched very carefully and was never hurt or attacked. Until he was out and had been out for a couple of years and finally reassured my dad that nothing had happened my father still thought it might have happened.

    Your husband is going to want to see difficult child and be able to know he is home and safe. He may not admit these worries to himself, or to you. Unless he goes overboard in letting difficult child do things he should not be allowed to do, I would just give husband some time and space. Listen if he wants to talk. My dad said it took him a long time after gfgbro was out to even admit to himself that he was very worried about possible abuse.
  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Powerful insight, susie, thanks for that.

  11. helpme

    helpme New Member

    I can agree with susiestar. Fathers do not handle their son's being in jail very well at all.
    I was with my ex for 20+ years and I have never seen him break down except the first
    time his son was in jail and he could not bond him out because it was too expensive.
    Dad/ex called me crying like a blubbering baby (never saw him cry before). Dad was on
    his second day of having son in jail and could barely form a sentence much less get off
    the couch. It killed him to call me (he wouldn't have except he wanted to ask for the
    money). It killed him to even acknowledge or son had this big of problems. Overall,
    it only worked out to be short acceptance phases which after son was released led to
    dad being in even bigger denial about our son's behavior.

    True, each time got easier for him, but he also got smarter on handling warrants,
    having an attorney on call at all times, having pre-arranged settings to have bail posted
    and the child never even seeing the judge (thereby kept from overnights or standard
    hold times for battery/domestic etc.).

    mstang67chic- I think you did a great job. I have been in the same situations,
    and learned to react the exact same way. Also, I have always gotten lucky (?)
    with not putting up bail money because usually our son was safer in jail rather
    than to be back on the streets struggling to deal with the exact same issue that
    put him in jail (drug dealers, thieving groups, gang rape, mob action, battery).
    I also did not pay for any phone time because difficult child was still learning to keep his
    mouth shut after giving so many false statements. Safer for him to be without
    phone privileges.

    But each time, I was never able to convince dad/ex that he was safer in than out.
    Everyone else I knew except dad's family, men and women alike said he was safer
    in than out. Narking/tattling / pleading for lesser charges was not even a concern

    as was the actual ordeal son was dealing with and being charged for.

    For me, I was more worried a few times I saw our son beat and whipped to a pulp.
    But for dad, he could care less about any medical attention for that. The concept of
    his son being attacked in jail was an entirely different story.

    Keep up the good work, I'll send good vibes for dad to do a bit better :)