wow she's home and it's scary

Star*

call 911........call 911
I think you reacted very well to her outrage. And I think SLSH's advice is very sound. You detached, you did not react, you stood your ground, you allowed some give (the lap top for assignments) so you weren't a totalitarian parent, and you didn't give in to her childish demands. You stated what would happen each time she chose to disobey you (calling the police) and I believe you will.

When we went through this with Dude? He made basically the exact same statements. All my teachers are with me. You blah, blah, blah as a parent. I'm leaving here in XX weeks and you can't stop me. Okey dokey - I called his teachers - they had no clue. I do not stink as a parent, that's one angry child's opinion. You're welcome to come and go as you please - I will be calling the police, and you will be spending time in your very empty room, on the bed, and it will be void of EVERYTHING, since we were the ones that purchased those things for you and we are XXX parents, and you don't need us, and you're going to get everything on your own - you can start here. And we did - we boxed up everything - we even took the door. Anything that he didn't earn the money for elsewhere or on his own to purchse for himself? Was gone. Even underwear. So when the officer brought him home - we brought the officer in - showed HIM the room, and despite the stoic look on the officers face? Dude blew a cork - and we said - Enjoy the next 2 months in this room we allow you to have in OUR house, and you may use the bed, and covers.

Believe me, the test of wills does NOT last long even with the hardest of children - they do not like to be without THEIR things. Especially THEIR door.

Keep up the good work with "Team Lauren." -
 

Jena

New Member
oh man this is harder than difficult child. i have new wrinkles under my eyes. seriously i'm looking more like ten years older than the age i am. and you know me i'm all bout the herbal remedies for body, health, skin and i look like a matt truck ran me over. even with taking "my time" to read, walk my dog etc.

these kids are killing me. it went on and on with-easy child last night kept pushing boundaries and i kept calmly standing my ground, not breaking down etc. than difficult child at bedtime started due to medication change she's unable to sleep because we had to taper down the zyprexa to 5mg. so shes' restless and wired at night and a bit of oppositional why do i have to sleep and you get to stay up? wtf is all i have to say? what gene do these creatures i've created possess? i'm thinking it's more the mom gene of pure stubborness and grit. i have never encountered two more strong willed kids that will go at me at same time.

she'll break eventually. i'm glad i didnt' call cops when she took off its' what got her back when i said ok enough's enough either show up or i bust this whole thing open with-friends houses your staying at parents etc. i siad to her last night you think your smarter you are not, wiser, nope got you there also i'm going to be 41 i've been there done that. you will regret the position your taking. i will not be a doormat to you in anyway shape or form
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
I don't intend to add more stress but am wondering. Is she on birth control? Many times booze leads to poor choices and I know you don't want a baby difficult child in the family. DDD
 

Jena

New Member
lol no she isn't!!! she prefers the condom approach. ok i dont' even wanna talk about it or i'll be physically sick. she says all the time how much she'd never want to have a kid. dont' say that, knock on wood, knock say cancel cancel cancel!!! lol

she agreed to go to therapy, than came home today said i'm going out to get a job and never returned again. so my new approach texted her and said door gets locked at such and such time. if she knocks or rings bell she'd better be prepared to sleep outside or call a friend. i will not let her in.

ahh the joys of motherhood. did any of us invision this while giong through our sono's and saying aw ooh look i'm sooo excited?? :)
 

Jena

New Member
i just keep posting on this, dont' want to eat up board with-another post about her. so yesterday i come to learn she woke up from here, and than went to school and served her in house suspension that they gave her. she than returned home, washed some clothes and announced how she was going to go apply for a job at a local restaraunt.

p.s. she never returned. school called this a.m. worried about her etc. so now i gotta call cops. whatever parent is housing her it's illegal for them to do so if she isnt' attending school. i'd like to get my hands on them.

so i really wish we could afford a wilderness camp for her. she needs a serious time out. i'd drug her at this point to get her there. sure she'd be mad probably wouldn't talk to me for years to follow. yet if we got her far enough away so her friends couldnt' save her at 18 i think it would really help her. wishful thinking since i can't swing it.
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
I still can't understand any parent allowing someone elses child to say at their home without checking with that child's parents first! Whoever is doing this needs to have a BIG wake-up call!
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
About a year ago - Onyxx's "friend" was having problems with her parents, and could she please spend the night?

"Only if I call her mother and verify."

Funny thing... I never did meet the young lady in question. Apparently she found someone else (whose parents weren't quite so responsible) to stay with.
 

donna723

Well-Known Member
She might haven given these people some big story, but anyone with teenagers should know enough to always check first!
 

Jena

New Member
hi

yes ofcourse she did, my mom's mean etc. blah blah blah blah. had cops here this morning was totally honest and said i'm going Occupational Therapist (OT) drive you guys nuts for the next 2 mos. sorry but each time she disappears i have the precint on speed dial. i will be bringing all of that with me to court next week on her court date and present it to the judge.

maybe they can do something to her to stop her? i dont know. worth a shot. here's the deal ya wanna go out in the world take a shot see how it goes, no problem.

yet problem here is wanting to go off on your own doesn't mean "torturing" your mother, going missing, driving the entire house upside down and crazy. that doesn't signify to me that she's ready to be on her own. oh yea let's throw in not going to therapy, failing school, missing class and also stopping medications suddenly.

and the battle begins........... each new day i wake up. and yes whatever parent is housing her is out of their mind. yet something tells me she's spending time with a guy,, i might be wrong yet we'll see. whenever there's a new guy in the picture she gets crazy and starts acting up been this way for years. it's all about them, their love, etc. she keeps searching for the love to fill that void. therapy issue number 1 in my book, than comes lack of self esteem. she bites because here i am unlike my mom at that age who is saying hey i'll give you everything you need so that you can get your act together and go into adulthood together, but i need some level of compliance. yet she refuses.
 

Andy

Active Member
Jena, Whoever is housing her (the parents) may not even be aware of what is going on. In defense of them, at the age of 17, I never called any parent to make sure they knew their daughter was over here unless I picked up on a red flag. If I had a inkling their parents may not know they were here or knew there was trouble abrewing, then I would call. By that age, I didn't know the parents of many of her friends so it would have been hard to contact them. But, if she is like my Diva and many other kids, she may not be displaying the attitude/behaviours to other adults (her friend's parents). They may just see the good kid side of her.

Even at 14, I am thinking difficult child's friends should be able to know where their parent's expect them to be and then get themselves there. I had a situation with H on Monday when I dropped him and difficult child and E off at E's house. Not uncommon at all but a conversation in the vehicle on the way to E's house had a red flag flying. E said his mom was expecting H (E is a great kid - I think he misunderstood something or he would not have said this) and H said no, he was expected home but his mom said he could go to E's if he called her. Thing is he left his cell phone at home so I told him to call his mom ASAP once at E's. I then called her and found out that H was not suppose to go to E's that night.

I messaged H's mom that I did not want to interferre and was sorry I didn't call her before dropping him off. It is not my place to argue with where HE says his mom is o.k. with him being. He and his mom have got to find some trust in the now when he is allowed to go to E's and my home. He has to learn to ask his mom or make sure she knows where he is. As for now, she can (and does) call me when she doesn't hear from him but what will she do when the day comes that I don't know where he is? I told her that I would be happy to call her anytime I transported him anywhere but she said no, he is usually allowed to go to E's house on Mondays. (If it were difficult child, I would have taken her up on it for awhile just as a lesson that the kid blew the trust and has to be treated like a 6 year old when parents called each other over every little thing). I think of the teen years as practice years - yes, your mom may know where to look for you now, but you best get in the habit of letting her know instead of making her look!
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
My personal reasoning behind it is this: if it's a school night, I probably have to work the next day. Kids, when they have a friend over, tend to stay up. Which in turn keeps me up. Also, Onyxx is not allowed to spend the night at a friend's on a school night anyway - and rarely weeknights - because who knows if she will actually make it to school.
 

Andy

Active Member
You are right Step - School nights could be different - the "please can I stay with you because I am having problems with my parents" would definitly be a red flag to contact the parents. In that situation you can pretty well be assured they don't know where their child is. And it is pretty standard not to have guests overnight on a school night so that would be the first red flag.

Jena's easy child is 17 years old - I don't see a lot of parents if any receiving calls from other parents of 17 - 18 years old making sure they know where their child is overnight even on a school night. I don't remember Diva having friends over on a school night so maybe that is why I am not looking at this in that light.

The other thing is that if the 17 year old is manipulating another adult, blaming that other adult would only take focus off the 17 year old's responsibility. In other words, getting upset and confronting the other adult would ease the burden of the 17 year old who would say, "Well, I am off the hook - it was so and so's fault for letting me stay." You send the message to the 17 year old that another adult will pick up the responsibility of them not doing the right thing.

Then again, each kid is different and other adults do not always recognize a difficult child or a problem that picking up the phone and checking up on a 17 or 18 year old would call for.
 
H

HaoZi

Guest
I recall having friends or knowing kids at school that would run off like this and their friends would sneak them in and out of the house - the parents never even knew.
 

Jena

New Member
i don't know guys yet i'll be honest how many days has this been giong on? i'm beat. i'm really beat and tired. i went riding today legs were a bit swollen the riding isn't even happening for me. i can't kick these lesson horses hard enough to get them to even go into a trot. so i spent alot of money to walk in a circle for 40 min and my trainer yelling kick harder.

difficult child's kicking up also she said down right no more therapy so therapist and i had to coax her into therapy by him providing her witha chocolate bar at each meeting. these kids are kicking my butt bigtime. i'm all alone in this also besides you guys. no family support etc. ya know the deal.

the therapist difficult child's today said to me you look beat i said i am. i said i'm right there on the edge of letting easy child move out and telling difficult child you wanna go back to school before your ready no problem go and drop her off. he said jen you may have to, you can only fight the good fight for so long.

i said yup. so i gotta walk dogs, make difficult child dinner and than hot bath and her and i in my bed again watching a movie. energy for nothing else.
 

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
The parents of any underage kid who wanted to spend the night at my house got a phone call from me AND the kid. That's called covering your behind. I was too worried about law suits, husband was a doctor. ALSO, I was outraged at the parents who allowed MY child to run away and take "refuge" in their home!
 

Jena

New Member
i'm with you and totally agree it's how i always did things. parents around here don't care, that's the difference.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
This reminds me of something I noticed when Cory was actually living on his own back in 08 and 09. There were a couple of kids who were actually still 17 years old...one in particular that stands out to me because his mother would call me in the middle of the night drunk and high out of her mind looking for the kid, but these parents actually let their kids go spend days and weeks with Cory at his home.

This one kid actually drove his parents car up to VA to spend 2 weeks at Jamie's house with Cory! His parents gave him a couple of hundred bucks and said have fun! Now I kept a much tighter rein on Cory than that. He would have never been allowed to be away from home over night at 17. No way, no how. One night this kid left out walking to Cory's at about 10 pm and Cory lived about 5 miles away. The mom called me drunk as a skunk about 2! I was sound asleep. I told her I didnt have a clue and if she was worried, call Cory! Hell she didnt even have the names right though. I didnt know who in the world she was talking about. I eventually learned to just not answer my phone if it was her number. I would have never let Cory do 1/10th of the things she let her kid get away with.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
A couple of years back, Onyxx spent the night with R.

About 4 the next morning I got a call from another friend M's grandmother, saying Onyxx was there drugging and drinking and she was going to bring her home. I asked to talk to Onyxx, but for some reason this lady couldn't find her. M got on the phone and told me her grandma was drunk and had started calling all the numbers stored in the phone. OK... So grandma takes the phone back, and I suggest I come get Onyxx. Grandma argues with me, she will bring Onyxx home, she was just on her way to the grocery store. (At 4 AM? Well, OK, I know people that do that... But.) So then she hangs up on me. After a 5-minute conversation with husband, I text Onyxx. "Are you at R's?" "Yeah" (still awake... LOL)... "M's grandma says you're there and she's bringing you home." "Nice I will ask R's mom to call you I'm here" "OK kiddo, wait till she wakes up, OK?" "She's awake she gets up real early"... So R's mom calls... Rather funny, too, since M and R are pretty much mortal enemies.

FWIW, M is the young "lady" that Onyxx was banned from seeing while on probation - no contact order - because her home is known for alcohol, drugs and runaways... I wish I'd known that THEN!
 

Lothlorien

Active Member
When my neice went missing, she stayed with some people and told them she was 18. The family had no idea until the police got involved and told them. They were very apologetic. So, you may be angry with them, but they might be getting duped by her.
 
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