wow she's home and it's scary

[donna723]

When they get to this age, you just never know! When my son was in high school, he was a pretty good kid and very seldom just outright lied to me, but he was pretty adept at bending the truth or being very selective in which facts he chose to reveal. He had a good friend, B, who was also a pretty good kid. I worked with B's dad, a friend and really nice guy I had known for years who was raising his two boys as a single dad. One Saturday my son asked me if he could spend the night with B and I had no problem with it. He came home about lunchtime on Sunday and all was fine.

So, as luck would have it, I ran in to B's dad at work the next day and said something to him that I hoped my son hadn't driven him up the wall Saturday night and he just gave me this strange look! He said that the kids didn't stay at his house Saturday night. His son and my son and a half-dozen other boys had spent Saturday night at a cabin on the river, eating junk food, playing poker and smoking big cigars! He didn't have a problem with it because he knew exactly where they were and what they were doing! He assumed that I knew. I guess it's a "guy thing". But you notice, my son never specifically said that he was spending the night at their house, only that he was spending the night with B which was true, but he conveniently left out the part about the six other kids, the cabin on the river, the poker games and the big cigars!

 

[Jena]

lol you just never know is right. yet this kid blew last night really bad. i mean really bad. difficult child was hysterical crying it was horrible. i didn't cry oddly enough i think i'm numbing to it all at this point. rhino skin kinda thing.

i don't know what to do about her, therapist doesn't know either.

 

[Shari]

Ya know, when difficult child 1 got to this point, I checked in with the houses he was staying at. Some of them are people that I am good friends with; some I barely knew.

I got the same story from all of them - he was kind, polite, he picked up after himself, joy to be around, etc. In other words, they didn't mind having him around.

I didn't let him stay there for weeks on end, but frankly, if he was a decent human being, why torture myself to make him come home. He wasn't torturing them.

(and, when the time came, I got to pay back a couple of those families with the kid they couldn't stand, who was a perfect gentleman in my home - so guess where he spent a lot of time)

It takes a village.

 

[Jena]

your point being let her leave? i may have to. i am holding her here because here she'll get the therapy she needs, here she'll graduate h.s. yet in the process she'll kill the rest of us emotionally. she's got alot of pain in there shari. this is soo not a difficult child thing. she is holding things from ten years ago, a divorce she never processed. she internalizes everything i always knew that.

i was always afriad one day it would all come out and she'd lose it. well last night was like that. i've literally never seen anyone so mad and so hurt in my life. sounds dramatic yet i'm being totally honest. she has this heavy bag she carries with-her. i guess i gotta just take it day by day hold my ground, don't fold, disengage when i can, when she blows get difficult child out of house have a "plan" to protect the rest of kids.

 

[Shari]

I get that Jen. In a way, she's right. It has been all about difficult child for a long time. You are all doing the best you can, but she's right, it sucks, its not supposed to have been this way.

No, not saying let her leave, just saying call up some of these folks and see what's going on. Let them know things at home are tough for her right now, and if they're open to her being there, if she's going to school from there, if she goes to bed at night, not keeping them up at night, etc, maybe its healthier for all involved to let her be there.

difficult child 1 never left, but had things not played out as they did (with him able to be other places) I think he may have. And that wasn't wisdom on my part, but dumb luck. Hindsite tells me it was lucky dumb luck.

I know another mom here had a daughter stay with a friend for while when things got rough with her difficult child, too.

Sometimes the strength of being mom is knowing that you can't provide everything for everyone every time...sometimes ya need help.

 

[Shari]

Therapy for 2 months won't help her. Not with all she's bottled up. But if staying with a friend (as long as its healthy) opens up communication between you and her, and results in school, graduation, and long-term therapy to help her, its worth looking at.

There's no "win" in this situation.

 

[Jena]

i agree with you. sad thing is i dont' know her new friends or their parents. this is an entirely new crowd she's hanging with since the best friend dropped her due to the shoplifting incident. i'd LOVE help, truly. i welcome it. yet all i have now is me, her therapist and her school thats backing me fairly well i'd have to say. they've been right there every step of the way. amazing they've been actually.

shari your right it isn't fair, it sucks, lol it hurts. yet it's life. life throws you things you do not expect. lemon into lemonade kinda deal. i get she's hurting, yet what she doesn't get that doing what she did last night wont' solve it, won't get us to a clearer point, hurting difficult child won't make difficult child better. odd thing is i'm seeing improvement with difficult child right now, the cbt thing seems to be helping slightly.

i always made time for her, always. it bites as a parent to give your all to the point where you get lost in it only to get beat up in the end.

shari it's been one insane 8 mos. i got married, was happy, tan, rested, peaceful and returned to complete chaos in my world. i've been working double time to help both kids and keep my own head above water. yet it's getting to the point where i'm becoming depleted now. it's extreme. difficult child leaves next weekend for dad's and i think i'd like to leave for a few days. get a break, go to a hotel somewhere be alone. yet if i leave that'll be one more reason for easy child to hate me.

she's super manipulative also. she plays me, than she gets me to get my guard down and than attacks me. she's vicious really. so today i'm taking out the 3 little ones. asked the wicked ex if i could have kids. we're doing pizza and movies than later dropping my step son and taking stepdaughter and difficult child home so they can have a sleepover. they make me calm and happy.

yet i feel like there's this little box i'm stuck in. husband thinks that handling it the way he did last night was right. he's clueless. i said when i'm being attacked like that you stand by me, not against me in a sense. yet he'll never change. i've told myself i'm giving it time before i make any major life changing decisions i gotta get clarity first, things on track here than i'll make my decision regarding him.

thanks by the way.

 

[Shari]

I hear ya jen. difficult child 1 was a lot like that. Sneaky, conspiring, manipulative, he broke into homes and he stole things from us. And it was sheer depseration that let him go to those friends' homes more than I would have otherwise (I had Wee at the time, too - 2 difficult children). I didn't know a lot of the other parents I was talking to. Some, I did. but I got the same story from all. He's doing what he needs to be doing while he's there. So why bring him home, where he's mouthy, steals, sneaks out, drives drunk, etc.

For whatever reason, he knew what he had to do to get what he wanted from those people - and he did it. Maybe there was too much history at home? I don't know. I'm just saying give those parents a call, ask if she's sleeping, going to bed on time, interrupting their lives, going to school from there, etc. I didnt' call to ask about him, I called to ask if he was disrupting THEM.

If difficult child 1 had not been leaving for boot camp, I would have turned him into the police myself, and for a whole lot more than running away.

Now, he has received top honors in the military and has already made sargeant (in under 3 years). I don't take any credit for that, parenting is a crapshoot; it was 95% luck. But I had no hope for him in 2007, either. Both of his parents had left him. They were both addicts. He was drunk more than he was sober, and I really, truly think he joined the military for the shock value. It got lots of reaction from lots of people. The night he left, he called me to say he loved it there and would never be back. I just said "sorry you feel that way. we'll miss you." Then I hung up the phone and cried.

 

[Jena]

wow that's some story and that's soo amazing he turned out that way. crapshoot all the way. i think you can do it all right and still have a rough kid or do it all wrong and have a great kid. all different and unique.

as i said i would take that approach yet i do not know the parents or the kids. so i can't call. i was talking to a friend who told me not that the blow up last night was good, yet she's trying to break me and can't. she's getting more frustrated and she's not liking the tough love approach i'm trying to adopt. so this is a good thing?? that she tortured me last night lol. ugh.......

i'll tell you they make you stronger through the pain they create.... we will be like rocks on our death beds i didnt' even shed a tear last night, told husband what a jerk he was in private, de escalated easy child, calmed difficult child than went back in my room and put on sweet home alabama watched twenty minutes, meditated and went to bed.

difficult child keeps saying mom i'll never do that to you not at that level. i said would you be willing to sign documentation stating so??? lol

just text her rules for tonight, told her curfew, told her the usual you aren't here doors locked cops called. said if you don't answer my texts phone gets shut off immediately. hid laptop in my truck, money in my wallet, she's taken some of that too. she text back OK. hmm let's see what tonight brings hopefully nothing. my stepdaugher's here tonight for a sleepover with difficult child.

 

[AnnieO]

difficult child keeps saying mom i'll never do that to you not at that level. i said would you be willing to sign documentation stating so???

...And even if she did, when she hits 15-16... Sigh.

Keep going, you're doing well... I know it hurts, but there ARE rules in society. One canNOT just do whatever one pleases. Don't I wish!!!

 

[Jena]

was logging off and saw your response........... i soo wish we could!!! LOL can you imagine? say what we want, do what we want?? remember that show alley mcbeal? where she'd have a pop up about what she really wanted to say to ppl??

 

[TerryJ2]

Jena, not sure this was meant to be me, but it could be: I know another mom here had a daughter stay with a friend for while when things got rough with her difficult child, too.

My easy child was the one affected, and she bottled it in and of course didn't say anything until we were in therapy one day. Long story short, in addition to being shorted on social events, not being able to have friends over because difficult child was so invasive and unpredictable, and losing out on her mom and dad time, easy child had her privacy seriously infringed upon and she freaked out and didn't feel safe at home.
The therapist suggested that she stay with-a friend for a while.
We knew the people through school and easy child couldn't have picked a better place.
It was humiliating and I will never be able to repay them. I bought grocery gift cards, sent flowers, did what I could but how do you repay something like that?
I have no idea who knows and who doesn't. At this point, I don't really care any more. I just wanted easy child to have a halfway normal life. (And it gave her a LOT more freedom than we did. All she had to do was tell the mom whether she'd be there for dinner ea night, and clean and vacuum her rm once a wk.)

Anyway, on the one hand I agree that if it helps your daughter, go for it. Find out who the people are and contact them, discretely. Ask around. You will figure it out eventually.
on the other hand, maybe they're not the type of people who will do her any good. In that case ...

Plus, she's still combative and is stealing things from you, so that puts an entirely different spin on it.

Fingers crossed!

 

[Jena]

hi

i'd gladly let her go stay elsewhere..... problem is i have no clue who the parents are adn aren't even sure their parents. knowing her it could be a new guy she's sleeping with that's older. she's up down and all around. at least once a day tells me i'm a lowlife piece of ****, ugly disgusting person.

i literally cannot wait till her therapy has ended and some resolution is on the table and 18 hits. i've had enough now. its' literally everyday and difficult child hears it and now she's mouthing off to me.

we'll all just wait and see mom might just flip the script throw difficult child back in school tell easy child to leave and go get a job and live my own life. you can only dedicate so much to a kid. ya know... it's more than typical teen behavior she's vicious. i feel ok yet i look so incredibly worn and no amt of walks, riding, writing, me time sleep great foods seems to be able to fix it.

my friends coming in from city today to spend day with-me and difficult child go to lunch etc. this never happens yet i'm getting a life and she doesn't like it. so she just made sure to torture me before she left again.

 

[TerryJ2]

Absolutely, you have to get a life. If that bothers her and she's wigged out about it, so be it. Once you get a job, she won't have anyone to complain to. I bet she finds another target, though. So sad ...

 

[TerryJ2]

P.S. If you do put difficult child back in school, be sure that easy child's name is on the list of people NOT approved to pick her up from school. (I'm sure you would have thought of that ... don't know why I had to type it... FWIW)

 

[Jena]

terry

yea i know yet easy child would NEVER do anything nice like that for difficult child!!! ever

she ran away again today, did i post about that yet?? LOL OMG it's every other day now. ongoing ridiculous drama so i'm just finding my calm in the storm right now. she cursed me out over something ridiculuos, than took bag of clothes ran down block and met up with someone half way down road and jumped into their very expensive i might add truck.

so i got difficult child and said ok let's go get my friend from the station, we walked thru town i totally shut it off, we did some cool stuff ate out, came back here and hung out. yea we talked about easy child for a bit, but overall i did good i shut it off. i'm doing better finding my peace in this craziness.

 

[HaoZi]

The truck was waiting for her? Sounds planned to me.

 

[TerryJ2]

The truck was waiting. Yep. She planned it.
Did you get the lic #?

 

[Jena]

no, i threatened to shut cell again. that worked. shes all over the place....... ahh did i mention how her room was the first to be smudged today? LOL i'll try anything once.......

 

[Marguerite]

If the truck was waiting then everything was planned, including her suddenly blowing a gasket at you and picking a fight. So try not to get hooked into her manipulative dramas, she's probably not half as upset as she pretends to be. She's just making a premature grab for independence, before she's demonstrated that she's capable or has earned it.

If/when she begins to curse you out for something (and especially if you suspect it's the beginning of her about to take off again) don't let it escalate. Agree with her. "Yes, I am a lousy parent. Yes, you are neglected."

See what happens when you take away any 'excuse' she has to just get out of there because you're fighting - because if you refuse to fight, it makes her running look much more lame and much more calculated.

It would be interesting to see how she handles that.

Marg