Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hound dog, Jun 19, 2011.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Kayla and Alex's birthday party was supposed to be yesterday afternoon. It had been "planned" for a couple of months, this was not a last minute deal.

    As I told you a week prior or so katie mails me and asks me if I'll pick up the cake on the way to the party. I told her no problem if she gave me the cash to pay for it. Worded that way because I knew it was an underhanded (obvious) attempt to get me to pay for the cake. She suddenly decided to bake it herself.

    A day or so before the party I get another mail asking if anyone would mind eating off normal tableware (which I KNOW she has not even enough of for them to eat off) because she "forgot" to buy cups, paperplates and disposable silverware. I told her we wouldn't care, none of us can afford those things either. Worded that way so she knew we wouldn't buy them for her. She lives right next door to a Dollar General store for pete's sake. It's a 4 minute walk.

    Next mail was Do you or easy child have candles? I forgot candles. I told her last party I used candles at Nichole turned 10. easy child had none either, she buys them right before the party and throws them away.

    Another one stating she forgot to buy a camera. Again, Dollar General is right next door.

    It sad enough that this is the first birthday party she has EVER given her kids. The ones Kayla and Alex had at 1 and 2 I threw for them.......and she didn't even buy them a gift at those. Everything she "forgot" were pretty much the basics for your average birthday party. geez

    Then it was changed from the clubhouse to the shelter at the complex's playground. No biggie except I saw that happening as soon as she said it would be in the clubhouse.

    Then yesterday it was postponed (due to sprinkles) until JULY! July?? Why didn't she just tell everyone she wasn't having the party because she blew all the money for it instead.

    Not that we minded. M was going to be there. None of us are anxious to see him.

    Alex is due at camp tomorrow at noon. She has yet to tell me the date to pick him up. I know what it is because husband looked it up. I'm being very gfgish myself over her telling me the d@mn date, which she has NOT. She just assumes we know. Seriously? Travis last attended at like age 15, he's now 25, that was 10 yrs ago. omg So now....unless I get a mail from her today......I'm torn between disappointing Alex and breaking my promise.......and sticking to my guns about her acting like a frigging PARENT and telling US the date. grrrr Because to be honest? sister in law has to work required overtime this week. To let us both still have our weekend off he took extra hours each day instead of working next sat. So I'll be going over there at noon instead of 3pm. Right at the time Alex is due for camp. Katie KNOWS I'm caring for easy child, yet has not even asked if plans needed to be changed. She just assumes we'll work it out.

    Katie finally came clean over buying Kayla a PSI and Alex a brand new expensive bike for their bdays........."and some other things"..... I wanted to crawl through the phone and smack the snot out of her. You bought them such expensive gifts that you couldn't manage to pay your bills and throw the birthday party they've spend most their lives dreaming of (and has been promised year after year) utterly stupid can you be? They kids would've been thrilled with the PARTY and cheap gifts. But she has decided she's in competition with easy child and Nichole with their kids.......There is a difference, a huge one. When easy child and Nichole bought darrin and aubrey their PSI's they bought them 2nd hand off craig's list like new and paid less than half normal price. AND THEY CAN AFFORD TO BUY THEM.

    I actually got a phone call from her yesterday too. Nearly fell out of my chair. Well, really it wasn't her. Kayla called me so me and papa wouldn't show up to a party that wasn't happening. I talked to her a while. She doesn't sound her usual perky happy self. (could have been due to the party thing) She told me her other grandma is trying hard to get here, how much she hates her, how she wants to come live with me if she shows up. I did not say much to that. I don't make promises I can't keep. Ever. Alex got on next to ask about camp and to tell us he loved and missed us. Evan got on.......and sounded drugged up. All he said over and over with long drawn out pauses inbetween was I love you nana. No conversation at all. It took me 30 mins of that to finally get him to hand the phone to katie, which is how I talked to her. She said he was distracted by sponge bob. Uh, maybe, I wasn't there. But he never did that here is all I can say.

    Katie also said her biomom is he11 bent on coming here to ohio. She is not taking no for an answer. Katie has told her she can't live with her. She's told her that chances are extremely thin shelter will take her. (I fibbed and said katie had been in state for 6 months) She's told her husband and I will NOT pick her up in cincy at the bus station. Evidently biomom must have said something along the lines of maybe we'd let her stay here with us until the shelter would take her. .... Katie said she told her NO that would be WEIRD to say the least, which I agreed with her wholeheartedly. I've always gotten along just fine with biomom. But no. The weird factor alone is over the top. She would drive husband insane in less than a day. We can't afford it. And we'd never get HER out either. And I'll be d@mned if I'm going to get myself into a situation where I'm parenting my stepdaughter's mother! I did that for 15 yrs while katie was growing up. ugggghhhhh

    And so I'm ignoring the non-stop calls from Mo. The woman doesn't just call once either. She calls non-stop for about 3 hrs and lets it ring at least 30 times each time. :imok:

    Picking up the phone and just telling her no I won't do such and such, is NOT an option. Biomom will not let it go. I've known her long enough to know that part is true.

    And yet this part ticks me off no end.

    Biomom is herself a difficult child, not a horrible difficult child, but she does have issues due to an over controlling father and a severely (not kidding in the least) mentally ill mother. Regardless, when katie returned to Mo when the kids were babies.......she took them in. I know that at least for 7 yrs of the time katie was in Mo she supported them, first with her factory job, then with unemployment while M went through jobs like water to pretend he was "trying". I suspect though that it was the entire time they were there. The moment her unemployment finally ran out......katie and family were on the bus to Ohio, leaving a now crippled up biomom with no money, no friends, no family other than katie, in St Louis ALONE to fend for herself, in a strange city. I didn't know the extent of biomom's physical condition when katie discussed leaving her behind.......heck right before she came here was when I found out she was there with them!

    Now I'm a person who is all about family taking care of each other, but you do put the needs of the immediate family first. And yes, katie had to look out for the needs of her and the kids first. But there is a wrongness with leaving her mom behind in that condition with absolutely NO ONE to help her that really really peeves me off in a huge way. This woman supported them for YEARS, put up with both katie and M's bullsh*t just to be close to katie and the kids........only to be treated like so much garbage once the money ran out. In all honesty, once katie was in our shelter she could have worked with staff to bring her mother over too. They would've have understood given the circumstances. She could get her own apartment in the HUD complex and not live with katie at all. Katie could explain to the manager of the complex and have her mom stay with her until she could get her own place for that matter. Rent would just be adjusted due to people/income.

    I do feel for biomom. I understand where she is coming from in this, I really do. I just don't want svcked into the drama of it all. Thus I don't answer the phone.

    IF biomom makes it to ohio? I'm going to have to go back to psychiatrist and get back on medications. The difficult child drama factor will raise by 100 percent. I will need medications to cope with it.

    Post is titled Wow..........cuz this turned out waaaaaaay longer than I intended. lol
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    WOW is right :stopglass:

    There are no words how bad I feel for those kids. Why would Evan be drugged up, is he on medication?

    As for camp - I would take Alex. The only person you would hurt in not taking him is him. She will not learn a thing from you not showing because you didn't get a time. She seems, um, a bit unteachable at this time???

    And the kids not getting a party makes me want to do many horrible things. This is where I would have personally crossed over into unhealthy boundaries and given the kids one myself. I don't know how you keep the lines so clear in your head. Very impressive.

    And as far as biomom coming - um - perhaps you should move? I don't know, but that sounds over the top. Certainly she will not stay with you, and I would just cut off all contact with her like you are doing. You don't need another difficult child, especially one your age.

    Sigh............this really blows. I am so sorry. Hugs to all of you.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    WOW is right. I do think you need to block the MO number or when she calls pick up hte phone and blow a LOUD whistle into it. Do this often enough and she will stop. She will likely swear that katie gave her the wrong number and you have moved or some other story. Either way you hsould NOT have to listen to a phone that rings nonstop for hours. Heck, you may get her on harrassment if you answered and told her not to call again. But I would NOT do that. I would just do the whistle because it will keep her from calling. That phone is an invitation into YOUR LIFE AND HOME. You do NOT need someone you don't want to talk to ever calling over and over and over. You have every right to not be bothered by that. SO get a whistle or something else that makes a super loud, shrill sound and use it to drive her away. Heck, borrow a fax machine and hook it up when she first calls. THOSE sounds will drive you crazy too.

    As for Alex and camp, I think I would take him. The time away from M and katie might be what is needed to get him to start saying what is going on there. Just don't go pick him up unless/until katie calls and tells you a date.

    Having Evan drugged up seems like it is probably a normal thing to them. Esp to the kids. Maybe next time you tlak to kayla you could ask her what was wrong iwth evan and how often he is like that. Heck, it might be worth lying to CPS and telling them you saw him listless and almost totally non-responsive and the parents wouldn't let you take him to the doctor. I bet it would be the truth. And if katie is using OTC cold medications to do this she can kill the kids iwth it. Heck, if it has tylenol in it she may have already trashed his liver. And I would bet it is a multi symptom one because those make you the sleepiest.

    The party? COmpeting with Nichole and easy child? That is BS. ALL of it. She blew the $$ because she could and now she doesn't want to deal with the consequences - she wants another bailout. Sheesh. is she part of the banking industry? in my opinion you are doing all that you can. Not promising Kayla that she could ocme live with you is huge. It is totally the right thing because even if you were willing katie might fight you on it. I odn't know though because kayla might start talking if she did. If you do take her in, you will likely have to fight for her share of the beneifts that katie is getting. Cause katie isn't going to want to part with a penny. The kid? she would part with long before the money.

    No comments on biomom because it just seems so bizarre, other than to do something to stop the nonstop calling.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yea, the thing with Evan bugs me, and that in itself could be enough to call cps on.
    Remember the little girl that died because their parents gave her too much Clonidine? If even one person had something they could have done blood tests and removed her from the parents.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Why can't the woman stay there and get assistance? Or do you think M would be a BIG help to her if she got to Ohio? I just can't see Katie getting here to Ohio and being of ANY help to her whatsoever. I can see her dumping this woman on YOU and YOUR family..THAT I can see happening. Then I can see Katie and M hauling butt somewhere. yeah - that's what i see.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I don't even know what to say. Wow is right.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Star that's what I see happening too. Not answering that phone at all. Not budging on the picking her up in cincy even if she's stranded there either. Not letting her stay with us even if she's sleeping on the corner in a cardboard box. Biomom is NOT in any way shape or form my responsibility nor my family. I got along with her and was friendly to her for Katie's sake. She's not someone I'd chose for a friend. Much much too needy. I don't need anymore difficult children in my life

    The woman is 63 yrs old. Old enough to fix it herself. I got my own problems.

    And no, Kaite and M would treat her like total crud. If she had money they'd svck her dry and take off again. And in the meantime I'd have her at my door wanting to sob on my shoulder, afterward......I don't wanna go there. ugh

    When I added what katie could do in order to do right by her mom, it wasn't because I expected her to, or even want her to. Just disgusts me how she has no more respect, appreciation, or love for the woman who has done so much for her and her kids than to just dump her when she's bled her dry is all. Churns my stomach.

    Reminds me that katie is all about katie, no one else matters unless they serve her purpose.
  8. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    wow, just wow. They are all pieces of work, aren't they?
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Wow, the birthday party thing is sick. The dollar store has plates and a cake mix. The poor kids come so far behind Katie, she can't even get her act together for 2 seconds. And as for bio-mom? I would be scared she would just show up on your doorstep, who knows what Katie tells her, Katie lies, Katie could be promising her a place to stay at your house, and telling you something else. I would answer the phone and tell her to stop calling, she's not staying there and she's not to show up. Don't even be a drop nice about it either. ( I know you're nice, but she'll take it the wrong way)
    Katie planned some time ago that she wasn't doing anything about a cake, she wanted you to get it a week ago! Who does that?
  10. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Wow! The birthday party thing IS sick! After spending hundreds of dollars on extravagant gadgets for the kids, she doesn't have enough left for even a small birthday party? I guarantee you, I could go in to our local Dollar Store and get the basics for a kid's birthday party, cake mix, soft drinks, plates, cups, etc. for $15 or less! I feel so sorry for those poor kids- they're always on the losing end because of their parent's irresponsibility and poor choices. They were probably really looking forward to that party and now they're disappointed ... again!
  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This just breaks my heart for those kids. A birthday party is such a small but important thing in the life of a child ... and those kids deserve to be the focus of something positive more than any I've ever known.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They were just sure you would do it.

    We actually didnt do a big birthday thing for Keyana this year. No cake or whatever for her. We didnt have her on the actual day and we had so much going on the weekend before with the recital and the pageant and then on the day after she graduated pre-k and we brought her to our house for that week with us. She stayed with Cory on that Tuesday and then came to me on Wed-friday and he got her Friday night through Sunday. I did take her to a water park twice and the inside bouncy place once. Hopefully she will be here next year for her birthday.
  13. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    The kids are sure getting a lesson in broken promises. I'm sure they're already at the point of "I'll believe it when it happens". Some day even Katie may start to notice that her promises don't make any impression, and wonder why - but she'll probably blame it on someone else.
  14. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Another "wow" from here. I'm so sorry the kids are missing out on a birthday party they'd been anticipating. How bass ackwards to buy such pricey gifts (is it true do you think?) and not reserve a few bucks for inexpensive cups and plates, etc. I do understand being cramped financially and every single dollar counting. I would have thought a person finally out of a shelter system might show some shred of appreciation for all the help she and her children have recieved (from agencies, shelters, you and your husband, siblings, bio mom etc) to at least pay the bills and then be uber cautious with every penny coming in especially because it seems neither her or her s/o seem to have any history of working for the money that IS coming in to feed those kids. Argh! I've had really broke periods (in one right now to be honest). I've had bigger parties for my kids in better years, frugal ones in others. Even the frugal ones were a hit and my kids never seem to point out the better financed parties over the frugal ones. Even to keep it low cost if she'd had no food but cake and juice she'd have easily been able to back a cake and frost it for $2 (dollar store), $3 for pack of plates, forks and cups, $2-3 for canned frozen juice, $1 for balloons, perhaps $2-3 dollars for a birthday banner and a toy party favor for the kids (our dollar stores here at least have party favors 6 to a pack). Beyond that, a inexpensive gift from mom/dad that is geared to the kids interest and some guests to play free games with. Would have been cheaper, gifts included, than the big gifts they got but at the sacrifice of a party I bet they'd have enjoyed.

    Don't blame you on the bio mom front either. I wouldn't take in a 63 year old difficult child, no matter how much your daughter might have taken advantage until the money ran out of bio moms pockets. It isn't your problem, although I do feel badly for a woman to be used so badly and tossed aside. But again, not your problem. didn't create it, can't fix it, shouldn't be expected to.

    I too think regardless of sending K a message about respect in giving you dates etc, I'd probably drive the kidlet to camp. I'm sure he'll have fun, good balanced meals, healthy uplifting input from adults, healthy interactions with kids, not to mention a good memory from a summer camp. Sadly these kiddos sound to have few really normal childhood memories.

    I wonder what K and her other half are going to do when the kids are grown and no more benefits or services or funds come their way due to having the kids. If your welfare system is at all like ours, you can't make it into a lifestyle, it won't happen.

    Hang in there. I'm also impressed once again at your resolve. Detachment should be printed under your picture. Good job!
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Maybe I am too calculating, but right now might be the time to try to get some time with the grands, esp kayla, with-o her parents. Maybe even bite the bullet and take her and katie somewhere and then see if someone is up to pulling katie into something she would enjoy. NOT for katie, but to let kayla know that you love her no matter what and if her parents have done things that hurt her physically, if she has been exposed to anything sexual or touched in a bad way, etc... then all she has to do is tell you and you will do ALL you can to get her into a safe place to live. A place where that wouldn't happen to her. Let her know that your love is NOT dependent on what others have done to hurt her - that you will love her just the same if someone has hurt her, but you will try to help. But she will HAVE to tell the authorities like teachers, people who owrk for chidlren's services, etc... and you will make SURE she isn't dumped into some bad place.

    Right now she may be receptive because she is hurt and upset by the party koi and she is also likely going nuts having to take care of Evan. Also let her know that it isn't okay for a mom to give a kid medicine to make him easier to handle, esp if a doctor hasn't rx'd medicine. SO it is okay for her to tell you if they are drugging Evan and you will work to make sure it doesn't end up iwth them getting hurt. And if her parents are going to up and move without telling anyone then it is okay for her to call you even if they say it isn't.

    I just have a feeling that she is getting sick of all of this - and may be getting more ready to speak up.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Poor babies.

    You let me know if Katie ever gets back to St Louis. I'd take a day off and drive over to hand those kids a happy meal, and their parents an open-faced knuckle sandwich. Au jus.