Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by klmno, Sep 22, 2012.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    WTH would E be doing out this time of night with a 20-something drunk man in a car?

    Our neighbor is in his mid-20's, married with 2 very young girls. The family lives in a mother-in-law suite attached to this house. He came over about 10:00 last night, three sheets to the wind and mentioned he and his wife were about to call it quits. They have been together over 6 yrs so I think they were just having a strife. He and E chat a lot so I really diddn't think too much about it. I do think he's bought E energy drinks and stuff like that before but I had no idea he'd do anything worse than that.

    Around 11:30 E was outside talking to him, sitting in his car, and I went out to tell E I was getting ready to go to bed and to come in pretty soon. I just woke up, checked E's bedroom and downstairs to find no sign of him. The porch lights were off so I know he'd come in the house after I went to bed. The neighbor's car is gone. It's 4:00 am. I don't think the guy has any friends he could be visiting to party. Bars are closed, even if he snuck E into one at 17yo.

    UPDATE: He's home. I walked out on the porch about 4:40 and the 2 guys were in the car with the car doors open. E walked over and said he was sorry, he'd fallen asleep. Yeah, where because the car hadn't been there? He said the wife had gone to get cigs, the guys had fallen asleep in theiir house earlier and just went to the car to get the cigs after the wife came back. E came in, the neighbor guy came to the door and tried to vouch for E. They did both sound straight/sober but I'm too ticked about not being able to get a normal night's sleep to care. E might be doing typical teen things but KOI- the hx doesn't leave me with the ability to treat it that way. Everything in the world had been going thru my mind. This stuff gets me to a point where I feel exhausted all the time then just want it over so I can get a good night's sleep.
    Last edited: Sep 22, 2012
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    GRRR! is it possible for you to sit e down & discuss?!?!
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Do you and E still have the therapist/counselor that you both liked? I think the adjustments you and he are faced with are huge and an independent caring ear could be very helpful. DDD
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Yeah, I'll try to talk to E after I can think a bit more rational. Right now I'm in warrior mode over my "what if" thoughts.

    We currently have no therapist and don't want one, honestly. It would be great if you could find one who did anything other than the typical stuff we parents have been getting the past few years but I gave up on that. The counselor we did have- about 4 mos ago- turned out to be all promises and no delivery. It turned out that all he did was write a huge plan the PO wanted then "get" E to say things like "I understand my actions can hurt others" 5 times in one week. That is what a measurable goal would be. Oh, then half-way thru our delegated time period for this "service", I got a notice in the mail that the co was going out of business due to lack of business.
  5. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think it is good to wait untill you are in a better emotional place. I have found that waiting and letting myself cool down can help immensely.

    Good tdocs are hard to find. I have been lucky.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sounds like BS to me. I hope you can hold your tongue until you're calm and thinking straight. That would be hard for me! Hugs.
  7. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok, calm down. this is typical teen. E is 17 now and he has grown up far more than your average 17 year old. 26 year old is probably finding him to be more of a peer to be honest. Ive told you before, get him in touch with Jamie to do some of those good things like video games and fishing. He may come home with a bad vocabulary but Jamie wont let him drink. You can drop him off there on a weekend and know he will be okay.

    Boys are going to sow those wild oats at this age. He is going to rebel and give you a mighty hard run for your money. With you not having a man in the house to back his butt up against the wall it is going to be extremely hard to rein him in.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    DJ, I talked to him before about meeting Jamie and maybe spending time with him- back when you sent me his number. E claims he would feel it was just like "any other cop". I tend to think he just feels awkward about it because he's never met anyone in your family. I told him about us meeting and assured him there would be nothing to worry about but I think it's as weird to him as a blind date would be. Maybe weirder- he might do a blind date just to get the time alone with a young lady. LOL!

    He doesn't have his head in a good place right now. I hope he can reel himself back in.....and soon.
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts your way. Please remember that those of us who have raised a number of teens have learned to roll with the blows. None of the teens are angels and it's the Mom job to provide a sense of security for them even when they have strayed. You both have missed a couple of years and it's got to be harder. Hugs DDD
  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    True, DDD. On top of it being strained because this "transition" from young teen to older teen didn't happen naturally for either of us (like it would if he'd been at home), Department of Juvenile Justice does try to get these kids to be responsible for themselves. That is good in one way, but when they aren't coming out at 18 or going to a group home (God help those kids), and they go back to parent(s) and a juvenile PO, it is extremely strained on both the parent and the young adult. There really is no way to go back to "normal" parenting but there's so much desire to make up for lost time. I'm sure E would never admit it, but I think he has that side as much as he has the typical teen desire and Department of Juvenile Justice pressure to get out on his own. ...Just like I battle trying to make up for lost time along with waiting for the other shoe to drop.

    I still am convinced that at this point in time, it was best for E to come back and live with me and struggle thru whatever we can together, within reason, as long as he is trying so that he can process as much typical teen life as possible. I can't help but think this is a good thing for him personally and will help him in his future, personally and as a parent someday.

    He's decided to graduate HS early- at the end of this semester, since Spanish 2 was such a struggle so now he can't get an advanced diploma. I'm going to sign permission. He'll be graduating at his 18th b-day. I graduated 1 full year early and was 16 at graduation. I made big mistakes afterwards and I suspect he will, too. But I grew up and didn't quit HS or do anything that prevented me going to a university. Department of Juvenile Justice tried hard to get him to quit and get a GED so he could get to work as a janitor upon release from Department of Juvenile Justice. Thankfully, he didn't do that.

    Right now he's bouncing all over the place- he doesn't want or need my help....but why won't I sign over my old car to him since I said it would be his to drive? He wants to go to college but the main thing is getting as far away from me and this state as possible. He will support himself but has no idea how to get a job making enough to do so. It's my fault he "has no future" but he is beyond ticked off that "I am too worried about him and won't leave him alone and just worry about myself".

    I told him I'd write up a list of options I could think of and what I'd be willing to help him with (helping pay for and completing apps for community college, a 4-yr college, he can use the old car but I won't sign it over to him until he's on his own and earning enough to pay his own insurance, etc). I thought I was being reasonable but apparently - according to him- I am the biggest Bwitch to ever walk the face of the earth and I should just leave him alone.
  11. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I started college at 17 and it was not because I was bright...just born in the right month. Even though I lived at home going to the University was a huge adjustment. I was always very friendly and "self assured" but visiting friends in the dorm was fun but too chaotic for me. husband and I sent three of ours to State Universities, one graduated from the local community college and then moved to State for the last two years and the remaining two attended classes at c.c. and neither wanted additional education.

    Truthfully I think I missed a couple of innings in your saga. Aren't you legally responsible until he is 18? I sure hope so becaue the chances of E healthily living on his own prior to that age are slim to none. Even kids who have had ideal lives are almost never mature enough to do what he wants to do. Put on another "thinking cap" and find some enticing compromises to bring to the table. Use of car for school and job? A night class tossed into the mix? CLEPS? Online classes to accelerate progress. If he can mix with kids and adults who are gainfully occupied, learn that although you are not perfect...practically no adult or kid is maybe he'll begin a chill a bit. I am sure he does not want to end up in trouble again but as they used to say "idle minds are the Devil's workshop" and "idle hands are lol something or other". Yes, I remember that he is very bright. Yes, I had a couple of kids who aced the SAT's and clepped the full freshman year but every single one of them tried pot, drank booze and had sex their first year away. That environment triggers experimentation and difficult children have to learn boundaries before making big choices.
    I'm rooting for you both. DDD
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K...yeah I can see that. Next time I am up there I will come on over and meet you guys and maybe I can drag Jamie with me. Tony and Jamie go camping ever spring and that would be a great time for E to get together with them and fish on the river. I cant spell it but its the Rappahanok or however you spell it.
  13. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That would be great, DJ! You and Tony can stay with us if you want.

    DDD, E will turn 18 within a week of ending the semester and being graduated, although that means he has to pass all his classes he's taking now. So far so good. But some things have happened over the past few weeks and I'm not sure we can take living together much longer- it depends on if his head gets screwed back on straight or not. Right now he doesn't know if he even wants tto go to college right away. Fine- I'm all for being honest about that instead of just using it as an opportunity to get away from parents and party a college year away- it costs way too much for that. But, if he chooses not to go to college, he's going to have to get a job and if he continues disrespecting me the way he has been, he will be forced to move out. Let's just say he's had too many times lately where he's slipping back into his old ways. He still has one foot in a decent mode so I'm trying to not give up but I have my eyes wide open, too.

    ETA: I should add, if E is willing to get along and show basic respect, I have no problem with him living at home to go to college, or even just for the first year, in order to save him from the loans to cover his half of the cost (I've agreed to pay approximately 1/2 of a 4-yr college or all tuition and fees for a community college, but no room, board, or extras. He doesn't want to do that. I don't blame him but it is what it is.
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2012
  14. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sorry he has one foot on a banana peel. Really the effects of "system" problems impacts so many areas of self sense.difficult child and I had over ten years of trying to balance the difficult child life and an acceptable life. He is 25 and is doing well right now but it's still not perfect. The social mores (is that spelled right??) of difficult child life are still not gone but he is finally old enough to fight the "instant gratification" that comes from those years. I am thankful that the two of us are tight but even though he was not "gone" for a long consecutive time he still gets calls from criminal friends. You and E have more complex issues and I'm still rooting for him...and for you. Lord, I hope he understands that at some point you can't go home again. Sincere hugs and prayers. DDD
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Thanks, DDD! That's the sort of issues I think we are battling now. However much we can work thru will benefit us both, I believe, but all of it can't be done "at home".
  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K....I may be coming up there in Nov if things work out in a strange way. If so I will come visit. There is a slight chance that Jamie may be getting some box tickets to a redskins game and possibly he will be taking Tony. Possibly means a 15% chance...lol. The 4th person doesnt quite know if he might have to work and if he cant go they will let Tony have the ticket. They were going to let Tony and I fight it out over who was going to go because it is the Redskins vs Panthers game but I dont think I can make the trek in on the train then from the train to the stadium and then all that walking. I have to admit my limitations and think its best if Tony goes. It will be a once in a lifetime thing for Tony and its really nice. Box seats with food, drinks, a TV, autographs...everything. Maybe one day we can go to a Panther game here together.

    I would also rather come see you...lol.
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Please let me know when you're headed this way! I'd love to see you again and meet Tony and let E meet you guys. Unfortunatley, my cell phone "suddenly disappeared" the Sat. after I confiscated E's cell phone so I don't have a clue yet if I can get another cell with the same number.

    We had a previous co-worker of mine visit last month and E slept on the couch so she could use his room with a queen bed. He didn't mind- he got to watch the big tv half the night! And he seemed to enjoy talking with her and getting "adult female" feedback (that wasn't mine- 'mom's') as much as I enjoyed her company!

    We might be gone the last weekend in Oct. though... tentatively we are going to look at colleges out of town.
  18. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    MOST teenagers prefer the ideas and opinions of any other adult in the whole world, over what a "parent" or "teacher" thinks... and teacher gets preference over parents (except on school-related topics).

    Even my almost-easy child kid... has this problem.
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I wasn't sure to say except to send hugs, but I love this expression: "Sorry he has one foot on a banana peel."