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y daughter has abruptly cut me out of her life
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 673901" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi</p><p></p><p>Your situation reminds me of what happened to my mother in relation to my sister. My sister accepted every shred of monetary support, emotional support and domestic help that my mother gave her, as her due. </p><p>And then my sister denounced my mother as toxic and crazy, blamed her for getting cancer and when my mother was 86 wrote her a letter telling her this, that she was banished from her life and that of her daughters.</p><p>My sister did the same to her mother in law. It was so sad. </p><p></p><p>We can count on no equity in life, outside of what we do for ourselves. When there is, when we do receive good things, and reciprocity, we are blessed. It is a gift.</p><p></p><p>At the end of mother's life, my sister disowned her. My mother could not understand what had happened and why. It still caused me untold pain.</p><p></p><p>I am not saying this will happen to you. I tell you this to tell you, you are not alone. The sooner we as parents understand that we are owed nothing from our children, even access to our grands, the better.</p><p></p><p>Resentment does not help. The only way to deal with it I think is to fill the void and the hurt with what we can control: love and productive work. </p><p>Give me a break. </p><p></p><p>What she says is ludicrous. But there is no way to win in a battle with her. Trying to diagnose her, I think, creates more problems. It is to make her "responsible," "ill" or "at fault" which really is the same thing she is trying to do.</p><p></p><p>It goes down a road which makes the situation worse, I think.</p><p></p><p>Better, I think, to accept with grace the situation and go on with the beauty and meaning in your life over which you do have control. This will smoke her out of her cave...I think. But it will not change her.</p><p></p><p>She will want from you what you gave: monetarily, support, etc. </p><p></p><p>The challenge to you is to think about what you need in return to have a relationship with her. Conditions. How you will protect yourself. Not to tell her, but to tell yourself. </p><p></p><p>See, you have power here, too. </p><p></p><p>Of course she has the crown jewels, the kids. And if she is willing to use them as a power base, she can. But you can decide you will not participate in such a negotiation. The more you covet them and allow yourself to be debased to have contact, the more she will use the kids. She has already shown she is willing to do so. </p><p></p><p>As others have mentioned, go about finding and sustaining your own life. Think about what has hurt you and trying to analyze how you can prevent it in the future. Think about how to celebrate your love for your grands in a way that you do control.</p><p></p><p>I am in the same situation, but a little different. My mother died over 2 years ago and I realized my great love for her as she was facing imminent death. For many years I was unaware how much I loved my mother. There was not enough time to make up for it. </p><p></p><p>I am left with the need to manifest my love for somebody who has died. Who in many ways was the center of my life. And I was unaware of it.</p><p></p><p>So, we will do this together. Express the love in our hearts in the absence of our beloveds. Many other mothers and daughters and children have had to do so before us. </p><p></p><p>I know how enraged you must be. How bereft. I am too. About my child. About my family and my parents. About my sister. Love doesn't always turn out so good. But we seek solace and completion and nourishment for our own hearts.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 673901, member: 18958"] Hi Your situation reminds me of what happened to my mother in relation to my sister. My sister accepted every shred of monetary support, emotional support and domestic help that my mother gave her, as her due. And then my sister denounced my mother as toxic and crazy, blamed her for getting cancer and when my mother was 86 wrote her a letter telling her this, that she was banished from her life and that of her daughters. My sister did the same to her mother in law. It was so sad. We can count on no equity in life, outside of what we do for ourselves. When there is, when we do receive good things, and reciprocity, we are blessed. It is a gift. At the end of mother's life, my sister disowned her. My mother could not understand what had happened and why. It still caused me untold pain. I am not saying this will happen to you. I tell you this to tell you, you are not alone. The sooner we as parents understand that we are owed nothing from our children, even access to our grands, the better. Resentment does not help. The only way to deal with it I think is to fill the void and the hurt with what we can control: love and productive work. Give me a break. What she says is ludicrous. But there is no way to win in a battle with her. Trying to diagnose her, I think, creates more problems. It is to make her "responsible," "ill" or "at fault" which really is the same thing she is trying to do. It goes down a road which makes the situation worse, I think. Better, I think, to accept with grace the situation and go on with the beauty and meaning in your life over which you do have control. This will smoke her out of her cave...I think. But it will not change her. She will want from you what you gave: monetarily, support, etc. The challenge to you is to think about what you need in return to have a relationship with her. Conditions. How you will protect yourself. Not to tell her, but to tell yourself. See, you have power here, too. Of course she has the crown jewels, the kids. And if she is willing to use them as a power base, she can. But you can decide you will not participate in such a negotiation. The more you covet them and allow yourself to be debased to have contact, the more she will use the kids. She has already shown she is willing to do so. As others have mentioned, go about finding and sustaining your own life. Think about what has hurt you and trying to analyze how you can prevent it in the future. Think about how to celebrate your love for your grands in a way that you do control. I am in the same situation, but a little different. My mother died over 2 years ago and I realized my great love for her as she was facing imminent death. For many years I was unaware how much I loved my mother. There was not enough time to make up for it. I am left with the need to manifest my love for somebody who has died. Who in many ways was the center of my life. And I was unaware of it. So, we will do this together. Express the love in our hearts in the absence of our beloveds. Many other mothers and daughters and children have had to do so before us. I know how enraged you must be. How bereft. I am too. About my child. About my family and my parents. About my sister. Love doesn't always turn out so good. But we seek solace and completion and nourishment for our own hearts. COPA [/QUOTE]
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