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y daughter has abruptly cut me out of her life
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<blockquote data-quote="Tanya M" data-source="post: 673940" data-attributes="member: 18516"><p>Hi Vernadetta,</p><p>Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Please understand that you nor anyone else has the "power" to make her feel inadequate. Her feelings are very real, however they are HER feelings. It sounds like she suffers from very low self esteem and to compensate she is projecting the "blame" on to you.</p><p></p><p></p><p>He also sounds like he does not have good self esteem and very immature.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Here I see her manipulating you. When you ask her to not punish you by keeping you from seeing the grandchildren, she has you right where she wants you, in a position that she controls.</p><p>As hard as it may be for you, it may be best if you do not engage into bargaining with her. Once an adult child can manipulate us, the parent, they like having that kind of power over us. We as the parents do not have to give them that power. It's not easy but it is necessary.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is just my opinion, but if they were following a true spiritual path then they would exhibit compassion not condemnation. Please do not buy into their rhetoric.</p><p></p><p></p><p>I have learned with my own son that my and my husbands generosity towards him, he has used against us. This is a slippery slope to be on. You have demonstrated that you have the ability to "fund" things. This can be another avenue that our difficult adult children will use as a manipulation tool. Please be aware of that.</p><p></p><p></p><p>From what I have gathered, you are very loving and giving to your daughter and her husband which is fine, however a healthy relationship is two sided and I don't see that here. You give and give and she takes and takes.</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is a very common thing that our difficult adult children do, they blame us the parents for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. Many parents will go through serious guilt, thinking "what did I do wrong" and then trying desperately to get our adult children to "forgive" us. Our d-cs know how to use this guilt to manipulate us.</p><p>What you must understand is we have no control over what our children do, the choices they make are theirs and theirs alone. It is not our fault and we should own no guilt. We have loved them and done the best we can. It is now up to them to live their own life. The only control we have is how we choose to respond.</p><p></p><p>There is a very good article at the top of the PE forum on detachment. I recommend you read it and re-read it. Detaching is a very healthy and necessary thing for us to do in order to move on and live our own lives.</p><p>It is very important that you take time for yourself, to be good to yourself.</p><p></p><p>I'm glad you are here and thank you for sharing with us. This is not an easy journey but you are not alone.</p><p></p><p>((HUGS)) for you hurting heart.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tanya M, post: 673940, member: 18516"] Hi Vernadetta, Welcome to our little corner of the world. I'm glad you found us but sorry you had to. Please understand that you nor anyone else has the "power" to make her feel inadequate. Her feelings are very real, however they are HER feelings. It sounds like she suffers from very low self esteem and to compensate she is projecting the "blame" on to you. He also sounds like he does not have good self esteem and very immature. Here I see her manipulating you. When you ask her to not punish you by keeping you from seeing the grandchildren, she has you right where she wants you, in a position that she controls. As hard as it may be for you, it may be best if you do not engage into bargaining with her. Once an adult child can manipulate us, the parent, they like having that kind of power over us. We as the parents do not have to give them that power. It's not easy but it is necessary. This is just my opinion, but if they were following a true spiritual path then they would exhibit compassion not condemnation. Please do not buy into their rhetoric. I have learned with my own son that my and my husbands generosity towards him, he has used against us. This is a slippery slope to be on. You have demonstrated that you have the ability to "fund" things. This can be another avenue that our difficult adult children will use as a manipulation tool. Please be aware of that. From what I have gathered, you are very loving and giving to your daughter and her husband which is fine, however a healthy relationship is two sided and I don't see that here. You give and give and she takes and takes. This is a very common thing that our difficult adult children do, they blame us the parents for everything that has gone wrong in their lives. Many parents will go through serious guilt, thinking "what did I do wrong" and then trying desperately to get our adult children to "forgive" us. Our d-cs know how to use this guilt to manipulate us. What you must understand is we have no control over what our children do, the choices they make are theirs and theirs alone. It is not our fault and we should own no guilt. We have loved them and done the best we can. It is now up to them to live their own life. The only control we have is how we choose to respond. There is a very good article at the top of the PE forum on detachment. I recommend you read it and re-read it. Detaching is a very healthy and necessary thing for us to do in order to move on and live our own lives. It is very important that you take time for yourself, to be good to yourself. I'm glad you are here and thank you for sharing with us. This is not an easy journey but you are not alone. ((HUGS)) for you hurting heart. [/QUOTE]
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y daughter has abruptly cut me out of her life
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