Yep.. relapsed

So I got a text that he relapsed last night. Some one at work asked him to go out and he didn't know what to say...
He then called a few hours after he sent me the text. I do feel he was still drinking. Told me he will be getting kicked out of outpatient this coming week because he never gave up smoking weed.... So the $5000 we paid for him to go was just wasted and he doesn't care at all.
He was crying over his friends passing and how he has no one to talk to... His girlfriend left him and now his friend died... he was talking about taking his life because he can't take anymore.
We told him that his friend wouldn't want that and that he needs to get his life back on track and live it to the fullest..
He was cursing and nothing I said was good so I hung up and left him talk to my husband. Not sure what the conversation was but he said to my husband..."I don't give a f**K about my family"..
Yep, I know he doesn't. Every cent we pay to fly out to him, to help him with rehab, etc. is just wasted.
I seriously don't even want him in my life anymore.
He keeps saying he is not well mentally but refuses to get help for it. I mention the crisis line and get told to f off because they will commit him.
He asked me what would be the worst thing that could have happened to him after losing his girlfriend and I replied losing your job...He said no you can just get another one. I guess the answer was to be losing his best friend... Not losing someone from his family??
I suggested going away for a few months to get help and said about his job can be replaced- nope
I have really bad thoughts for being his mother but I seriously can't take much more.
I don't want to fly out there and help him move like we promised. I don't want to buy him a bed like I promised either. I don't want to speak to him anymore. I don't know what tomorrow will bring for him.
I could use some prayers.


Well-Known Member
Yes do something for you. Remember that all he says while relapsing is the addiction talking. That is not who he is when he is clean and sober. Also I think they learn something every time they are in rehab so it is not necessarily money wasted. Relapse is part of the difficult process of recovery. Hang in there. If you havent already try to find a parents alanon group. That has been a huge help to me.

Tired out

Well-Known Member
Prayers and hugs for you and your hubby.
Prayers and a light bulb for your son. Hopefully he will find his way out of the dark.
I don't know what to tell you about going to where he is. Right now it doesn't sound worth it emotionally for you or him. You'll get him moved, buy him a bed. he will take off leave the bed and the rest of his belongings and you will be at ground zero once again. What about a furnished room somewhere?
Sometimes when my son goes off with foul mouth I wonder if he would understand or listen to what I am saying to him if I filled the sentences with swear words.


tryingtobestrong, Any time someone says they want to take their own life is a call to PERT for me. Maybe the outpatient program can step in with sending someone to him given these circumstances. Let them assess the situation. He does care about you and family.. he called. Unfortunately, the words out of his mouth are hurtful, that is what happens with family, a lot of venting. Your $ wasn't wasted though he may never care until he gets sober, but they do learn in each try. You don't have to fly out and help him, maybe now isn't the right time. Prayers to you and your family.


Well-Known Member
If you feel you have to buy him a bed for your piece of mind, buy a futon. They are cheap and the chances of him leaving it behind are huge. It is unlikely that he is going to stay in one place no matter how much you spend on him. In the throes of addiction, they move around, get kicked out, change where they want to be and have no stability of alliances. Visiting him is probably a stressful waste for both of you. If throwing nice things and money at them could cure them, we would be poor but our kids would be thriving. The fact is, our money, kindness and nurturing does not help our addicted young people. It kills us, but doesnt change them one wit. They change when they want to change. We cant force it.

Some parents have successfully put their feet down and have gotten their mostly very young adults to go to rehab and two are doing very well right now. But not everyone can talk their kids into rehab and there are zero guarantees that it will work this time or that they wont walk out or relapse. These two mothers had sons who obviously were ready to at least stick it out. But their adult kids were still at home, albeit on shaky ground.

You have to think of yourself too. You have to know that you cant fix him. Please think of your own well being.


Well-Known Member
I don't blame you for not wanting to go help. I have helped my son out with furniture or kitchen stuff only to have it left behind. No more. Maybe if he has to get it himself he will appreciate it more. Sometimes they use the i want to die as a hammer to hold over our heads but it is a difficult situation. I agree with earth is hard call professionals and let them handle it.


100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
He needs to take control of his OWN life.

Mommy and daddy can't fix this for any of these adults that choose to use substances and then wonder why their life is a mess!!

It is exhausting wishing they would change and worrying constantly what will happen next.

Every time my son called my stomach would turn upside down. I wanted him to disappear. Literally. How awful is that? I couldn't take it anymore.

Of course we love them so damned much and that is why it is excruciating for us. We watched our son try to destroy himself for seven years so I get it. Boy do I get it.

There is probably nothing you can say or do to make him change right now. That should be a bit freeing for you because I know personally, I always thought if I just said this...or I just did that....nope. Don't waste your energy.

The only thing that helped our son is turning our back on him and forcing him into the religious program he is in now. Thankfully we were able to do that. Otherwise I don't know where he'd be right now. Our son's soul was broken and there is only one fix for that....


Well-Known Member
Staff member
TTBS, someone on the board once said that parents have to hit their bottom, too. The point where you realize what you are doing is not working and stop. Let this be that point for you.

You said that your son said he never stopped smoking weed. There is your answer. He has no desire to be sober. You gave him the opportunity by paying for rehab and he squandered it. Now, it is up to him.

He will not stop using and drinking as long as he knows you are there to rescue him. Why should he?

It takes some of us longer to reach the bottom. It took me ten years but with the help of my therapist I was finally able to walk away and put the responsibility on my daughter. When she truly realized that her life had changed and no one was going to swoop in and take care of her, she found a rehab on her own and got sober. That was over two years ago and she is doing really well.

I don't believe the money you spent was wasted. Your son was given the tools he needs for living a sober life. Now he has to decide to put them to use.

My therapist used to tell me over and over that my daughter was going to do whatever she wanted and there was nothing I could do to change that. When I finally got that into my head, things changed for me. I gave up trying to fix her and let her find a way to fix herself. I can't describe the feeling of freedom I felt letting that burden go.

I am not saying it will be easy but what you are going through right now is not easy, either. My advice for what it is worth, is not to fly out there and rescue him again.

At most, I would find a list of rehabs or sober living houses and send it to him. It isn't your job to find a place for him. It is his job.