Yes I know this is our fault but need advice about contact...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Susan Wood, Jul 15, 2019.

  1. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    I've been lurking here for a long time as we have been dealing with our son who takes full advantage of us every chance he can get. I would like to go NC as soon as this latest "episode" is over and want to get some advice. Please do not tell me about how we are causing this as I am fully aware for one and secondly, I did not raise these children. My husband has dementia and CTE from playing soccer and I have cancer and I have tried to keep some contact with one of his kids for his sake.

    You can read the signature but basically the kid has not done as much as get his dad (or me) a card EVER and we have funded his many trips to NYC and elsewhere only to have him spring on us at the last moment that he has changed dates or is bringing a friend or can't make it. He will help us out if I am ill but only if we pay him handsomely.

    This last time he came to see us in NYC and sprung on us the day before that he was bringing his dog. We have two dogs and cannot have another in our building or we will get evicted. He left the dog with us and went to see a girl in CA. My friend said she will watch him until today and I told him she will not until he bought a return ticket. He didn't and still gave the dog to her.

    Today we have to get the poor thing back and my son is supposed to come back from CA to get her. We are hiding the dog in our apartment for a day but I told him no more than that and WE bought his ticket to come back tomorrow.

    After harassing the dickens out of him to pay me back for the ticket he was nasty to me regardless of everything we do for him - including risking out apartment. Most likely he will "miss his flight" again and we will be stuck with this poor animal that we canNOT have here.

    Even if he makes it back, I cannot take this anymore. He causes my husband and I to fight and he knows his dad is ill and makes bad decisions and takes full advantage of it when I am conveniently not around - for example - taking the dog to my friends house BEFORE he had a return ticket, as I insisted.

    I have been trying for years to keep contact with at least one of his children for his sake but honestly it has been a complete lost cause and is a one way relationship. He uses us to come to NYC and have a place to sleep, seeing us 10% of the time to have expensive dinners and only sees us when we foot the bill even though he has plenty of money. I can understand that he doesn't give a crap about his step mom but he NEVER asks about his dad or just says "hello" like I have BEGGED him to.

    This is now making us crazy and, as you can imagine, is coming at a very bad time as my husband and I both become more ill - we are both terminal. Please help.

    EDIT: We are going to be left with a decision to put an innocent animal in a shelter tomorrow if my son doesn't show up to get her or risk being evicted. Most of the time he does not show up. I have been researching NO KILL shelters just in case and am horrified to be left with this decision:( I am going to call places today but am not sure if they will take her even if she has tags. I've never had to do this.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Maybe I can help you a.little. There is a rescue for dogs in NYC called Rescue Dogs Rocks. No kill. I donate to them monthly. They are great. Maybe call and ask if they will take your sons dog. Tell them he abandoned the dog and you cant have three. Explain your health issues too and your concern. If they can't help you or are too far for you then they may be able to tell you who can help the poor dog. I dont have the phone number off hand but they are a presence on the internet and Facebook. Not hard to find.

    I avoid humane societies. I am afraid they will euthanize. Rescues will not. Much love to you. I am so sorry about your son and wish you only the best.
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  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Board the dog until your son gets back.

    How old is he? Is he working, in school, etc.?

    I'm really sorry about the health issues you and your husband are going through.
  4. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Hi....already emailed them and talked to our lawyer who volunteers with them. She tried to get dogs places there every month with no success. They have no listed phone number and I am told it’s because they have way more dogs than they can handle as it is. Still looking.
  5. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I have gone no contact with my daughter at various times. It does a world of good to bring me peace of mind and help me maintain my sanity. If you choose to go no contact be prepared for him to up the ante. He will either harass the hell out of you or manufacture a crisis that he thinks will draw you back in to a relationship with him. My daughter would call and call and call. I just turned my phones off and deleted her horrible messages. I was fortunate to live about 30 minutes away or otherwise I believe she would have come to my home and kept up the crazy. It literally took her probably 2 years to realized that when I set boundaries with her I was actually going to follow through on them. But once she got it things changed for the better. They still aren't perfect, but they're much better than they used to be. I agree that you should take the sweet dog to a no kill rescue. I know there are many in NYC. I know how much all of this sucks. Sending peace to you.
  6. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Hi....I’m order to board a dog in nyc you have to pay a deposit and then he will not get her out so they will come after us. This is what my husband wants to do. It is so expensive here to board dogs and my husband thinks hat if we board her and pay $90 a night, out son will get her and pay her back. He will not.

    He is 22 and just graduated and has no job. Just bouncing around from girl to girl in the US AND abroad. He has a charmed life.

    Even if we wanted to get stuck paying for a luxury dog hotel here we don’t even know if they would take her without papers.

    I am in tears today because I got mad at my husband for getting talked into this while I was bedridden with a chest infection. He is ill and cannot make decisions and it wasn’t right of me:(

    I hate to say this but I can’t stand this kid. After he gets this dog (or someone else does) I am changing my number.

    If this were my kid I would have jumped off a building. I’m sorry to say this but it’s heartbreaking as you all know.
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Susan.

    I am not sure what you are referring to as being “your fault”.

    Many people pay for their young adult kids to visit them, especially when they are still in school or not established in their career.

    When they realize that the young adult isn’t holding up their end of the bargain, the parent will often reconsider what they are doing.

    I’m very sorry that your step-son left you with the responsibility for his dog, and the tough decisions that come with this.

    Do what you can, and don’t beat yourself up about it.
  8. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Thank you so much. So sorry about your daughter. His daughter harassed us when we went no contact and it was very frightening as she has had massive anger issues. We still do not talk to her and we couldn’t be happier about it. She caused massive stress with us and was downright evil.

    I’m sure this kid will do exactly what you said. I really don’t give a damn I have to say. I will change my number and tell the doorman to not let him in. My husband is not able to make decisions and I must do this for him. I have tried to do the best to make him happy but this is not the way.

    I have emailed 7 shelters so far to no avail. Still trying (while I am coughing up blood over here). Damn .
  9. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Oh boy I have paid and paid and paid and paid only for him to come - even over Christmas and not spend one single hour with us. How is that a visit? He has a trust fund but still uses people to pay for his exploits. He’s a spoiled brat and once my husband and I almost divorced because I said he was using us to see a girl in nyc and to confront him. It was true.

    We have enabled him every time. I not only pay for him to come but give him extra cash - I begged him to get his dad a card and he never did ONcE over 6 years. I can’t gelp but to feel stupid.

    When I was having cancer surgeries and treatments he used us for our housing here and we let him. Now I’m literally dying and cannot have anymore cancer treatments because I have to watch after my husband AND now this.

    I’m betting I could have gotten a few more years but we have no over family or means for me to be out of commission. I’m only 45 years old.

    By the way....want to know irony? I couldn’t have kids Because if this cancer. I had one miscarriage after the other and spent most of my life being depressed about not having them. Looking back, I realize how much energy I wasted. There is no way I could handle this.
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Maybe forget about the dog right now and call the doctor. Rest for the time being. Nothing needs to happen this second.
    I dont like Craigs List but maybe post under pets and ask for advice who to contact. You may get people who offer to take the dog. And after you meet them, it is up to you. Some good people answer on CL and some not so good. Never give adog away for free. Always charge at least $100 so that your pup isnt scooped up by science labs who experiment on dogs or people who want a bait dog for fighting. Hugs.
  11. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    If your stepson doesn't care enough to get the dog and pay for it, I'm wondering if he really cares about the dog. I hate to say this because I love animals, but due to the health problems and the fact that you are going to be evicted if caught with this dog, I think you have to give it up. I don't blame you for not wanting to take it to a shelter, but...
    I just don't think your stepson really cares enough to get the dog. If my cats were in that situation, I love them enough that I would get on the first plane back home to take care of them. I would never let my little angels go through this.
  12. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    And, I agree with the other poster. Your chest infection sounds really bad. You need to be seen by a doctor TODAY.
  13. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    I hate to say this but we don’t have 2 years I don’t think. How sad is that? My husband
    yep. I knew this is what I was going to be doing. She has to go tomorrow and I’m picking her up now. Cl here should be called it’s so scary.
  14. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    It can be but not always. Call their vet for a recommendation.

    Take care of that cough.
  15. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should get a home healthcare worker to help with your husband so that you can continue your treatments.
  16. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    I know right? I can tell you right now this kid doesn’t care about a soul but himself. It’s sad and honestly I’ve never met anyone this “uncaring.” My husband and I just picked her up and she is so sweet it’s going to be heartbreaking just to find her a real home. But what else can I do? I have no choice and can’t help my husband or any dogs if I don’t have a place to live.

    My friend who took care of her said also to call the vet as someone here said. She’s from Asia so that’s a little out of my reach. I will not give an animal up if I know they will be euthanized. Never ever ever.

    And how would we believe anyone who didn’t care that their father had a terminal illness would care about a dog? I am going to work on this as hard as I can. So upsetting.
  17. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Yes I think I will have to do this at this point.
  18. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    I know I’m going to seem like a troll here because this is so bizarre but yes, my son met a girl overseas, got a dog broke up with her and brought it here.

    I swear to you I have no clue how this is possible but he says he has papers stating she’s a service dog and has been on a plane with him 8 or 9 times.

    How weird because we have one who is a certified therapy dog and worked in nursing homes and hospitals and she would not even fit on the plane if we wanted her to. My son’s dog is bigger than her and mine is 50 lbs.

    I honestly don’t know what on earth to believe and don’t have the imagination for the stories anymore.

    My husband just brought up a good point. The kid does not have any ticket or plans to leave New York even if he comes back.

    Someone mentioned here about him ratcheting things up if we pulled away from him and it just occurred to us that he might even be planning on living on our sofa in our TINY apartment. Omg I’m heaven.

    Now my husband is asking me to send pictures of the poor dog to him telling him to come back.

    Wish me luck:(
  19. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I would trust sebody else with the dog more than your son. Do your best.

    We told our daughter that she cant live with us and we stuck to it. That was one thing we refused. And we have a big house but she cant live with us no matter what the situation is. Her presence would kill us.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2019
  20. Kaylamay

    Kaylamay New Member

    Yes I think his would kill us (LITERALLY) as well. You are amazing for being able to stick to that. This isn't my kid even and I always feel sorry for him and cave. My husband and I have a non-profit and while we don't work much anymore, we are very used to helping others and it's easy to get sucked in. They can also smell us from a mile away so they pile on the guilt.

    Personally I don't remember ever being able to stand living with my parents and moved out promptly at 18 after having a job for 5 years at a mall! What is with this generation? They don't even want a drivers license.