"You deserve to live in peace"

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by SeaGenieTx, Oct 27, 2015.

  1. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    That is the one thing everyone told me after I kicked my son out. I've tried reaching out to him to let him know I still love him and care. Unfortunately the drugs have completely changed his personality and he cares nothing about me. His personality has drastically changed and he is just mean and hateful, selfish and can't be bothered by a mama who cares. It's gut wrenching.

    I have no clue where he is, who he is staying with, what he is doing. He wants me to know NOTHING. I'm ok with that but just wish once a week he could send me a text to let me know he is ok. His mind is so messed up on drugs - last time I called him he was agitated that I called and "can't talk, with someone, gotta go".

    I've been detaching but still, he is my only child and all the family I have. I can't even check to see if he is ok without him blowing a fuse. Is this classic behavior of a drug addict? I am trying to stay focused on my job.

    My son is 23, turning 24 in April next year. I am worried his drug use has escalated and he is running with a bad crowd. He was lying to me about everything, I think he is lying to friends, could be stealing, manipulating people to get what he wants to support his habit. He stays high constantly. Last time I talked to him he was lying to me and slurring his words.

    I'm so scared I'm going to get that horrible call from police. He is driving a car with a suspended license and no insurance. His intelligence level seems to be that of about a 13 year old.

    After getting calls in the past "Mom, I've been arrested and they are taking me to jail" to "Mom, my head is bleeding we got into a bad accident" and "This is the Sheriff's department we have your son in custody..."

    I live with the constant nagging stomach ache that something bad will happen. I truly think my son need psychiatric help of some sort. His thinking since age 19 has been so irrational and immature. The risks he takes, he has no idea of the consequences. When he gets in trouble it's everyone elses fault, he did nothing wrong.

    I thought about going to an Al-Anon or Narc-Anon meeting but honestly, this forum is easier for me for now.

    How do all of you deal with not knowing where they are and what they are doing?
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh I feel for you and understand. It does sound like the behavior of a drug addict, they steal, they lie, they manipulate and dont want you to know what they are doing if they arent doing anything good.

    And I know all too well those dreaded calls from the police.... I have had many of those too..... It is all so heart breaking, gut wrenching and just exhausting.

    The only thing you can really do is to find ways to take care of yourself. I have found alanon to be really helpful in this. I think a lot depends on the meeting you find, I found a meeting specifically for parents and met a wonderful group of parents who know exactly what I have been through and have been there too. It was helpful to me to meet other good parents who have been through this, it helped to know I was not alone and also it helped me to believe it wasnt all my fault, because it couldnt be the fault of all these other good people.

    As to your last question on how I deal with the not knowing and worrying.... well it depends. Sometimes I deal with it better than other times. Sometimes it was just trying to keep busy and distracted. Sometimes it has meant saying the serenity prayer over and over to myself, realizing that really there was nothing I could do. And I will say that not knowing is the worst...... the worst time of my life was when my son was homeless and on the streets across the country in Denver in the middle of winter. Often the only thing that kept me sane was checking his phone records.... and when he lost his phone it was really really hard.

    So I feel for you. You are not alone. My son just turned 24 so he is about the same age as your son.

    Also to give you a ray of hope.... last July my son made the decision to go to detox... we helped him get there but it was totally his decision this time and he has been sober since then. Our relationship is in a much much better place than it has been in years. He actually seems serious about working the AA program.... before this he has kind of scoffed at it......so I am at the moment very hopeful.
  3. Tymica

    Tymica Member

    I do hear you. I kicked my son out in January, when he was still only 17. He was the same way. Living with a friend not even a mile away, but made sure to tell everyone not to tell me. We live in a small town, honey I knew where you were the minute you walked up the driveway. But he got kicked out there, living with a druggie girlfriend, cheated on her and got kicked out, ended up sleeping behind a dumpster, still no call to me. Went to a drug party, got in a fight and got stabbed in the face, cutting an artery and nerve and ending up in the trauma unit over night, still no call to mom. Got arrested again and again and again, no call to mom. It was with my son, as it is with yours that they don't need mom right now, they just need drugs. It doesn't occur to them that you are worried because you are just an obstacle between them and getting high. And my motto since January has been "I deserve peace in my life. I have a husband and a daughter who also deserve peace". My son's (and your son's) choices are theirs and as much as we as the parents want to think they are ours too, they are not. One thing this board has taught me is that I have to prepare myself for a fulfilling and happy life regardless of what my son does or does not do. My son and I are talking now, he is living 6 hours away from me with his bio dad's family and it was just what he needed, at least for now. It isn't easy, living with this monster, and sometimes the "I deserve peace" comes through tears and gritted teeth, but it's true and sometimes detaching and letting go are the only way you will achieve the peace you deserve. ((((hugss))
  4. Carolita2

    Carolita2 Member

  5. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Sea Genie,
    I think I could have written that "you deserve to live in peace" to you as well. And it is true. It is not easy, finding this peace. You have suffered much loss, and your son is your only family. That is very tough. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

    By having your son leave your house, you have achieved the peace of securing your home. Peace at home is very important. In the throes of the drama of living with an adult D c, our homes become a place of turmoil. Then, we are left with no other choice but to have our D c's leave.

    Now comes the work at hand to bring to yourself peace of mind and heart.
    It is no easy task, for our hearts yearn to know how our children are faring, and that they are okay.
    SeaGenie, do you have a faith, a higher power? I have learned to give my two to G-D. The Serenity Prayer is very calming and helpful when I begin to worry or awfulize about what may be happening.

    Going for walks, swimming, any kind of exercise helps lift our spirits. The key is to try to refocus the energy we spend thinking of our D c's to something more positive.
    This peace is not automatic, it takes work. It takes understanding and embracing our own value and self worth.

    You have described your sons dabbling with drugs in prior posts. All of what you write, is addictive behavior. We have no control over our adult children. It is gut wrenching, and hurtful to see our children acting this way.
    It does not mean that this will be forever. There are many stories of folks changing their paths.

    One thing I do know, is that change is not likely to happen when they are in our homes.

    Knowing that my D c's will not change when they are under my roof is the first step.
    Realizing that they use my love for them against me, is the next.
    Giving them over to G-d, and praying for them when my thoughts turn their way has helped me tremendously.
    I have found too, the less I know, and think about, the better.
    Keeping myself busy helps.
    Most of all, prayer helps.

    I hope SeaGenie, that you are able to find some comfort
    and work towards your peace.


  6. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    Leafy thank you so much. You are right - getting him out of my house was the best thing. I couldn't take it anymore. Coming home from work and the house reeking of pot and my son stoned out of his mind looking me right in the eye and saying "I haven't been smoking, you are delusional, its on my clothes from being around others"... And sneaking in girls to spend the night on weeknights. Hearing talking at 3:00am and opening his door and there he is with all his black lights on playing video games while some girl sits on his bed - both high or drunk. I have been able to sleep soundly and have a peaceful home. I feel safer with him out too. Several times during bouts of anger he would hit walls, cuss me out, one time I wanted to slap him after he told me "Are you [email protected]#$ing going thru menopause? You are psycho!" he grabbed me and threw me on the floor. I have a 3 inch scar on my elbow from that. He was never mean and hurtful like that at all before he started doing drugs. I have bad to realize he is not the son I raised - drugs have turned him in to someone else (the Devil). I pray constantly. I have a asked God to please don't let him die. Jail I can handle but death I can't. I have to give it to God, pray & stay busy. I have spoken to my church and am forcing myself to get active in some groups and attend Sunday services again. With no family I need people who can help me - this is just way too hard to deal with alone. Thank you New Leaf (((hugs)).
  7. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Good for you SeaGenie, you are remembering what our hearts try to push out of our thoughts when we awfulize. You are remembering what your son brought to your house, and the undeniable, understanding that this is unacceptable. You are brave SeaGenie, in the face of your mother heartstrings tugging at your very soul, you did the once unimaginable, amazing feat of standing up for yourself, and removed your son from your home.
    It is a terrible thing to have to do.
    It is the right thing.
    No one deserves to be treated this way.
    Not no one, no how from nobody.

    This is the addiction with all of it's ugliness,
    happening right under your nose,
    in your house.
    This is your son saying, I will be what I want to be, and I will be it in your house.
    When we put up with these behaviors, allow them to continue, it escalates.
    We are trying desperately to see our children as they once were.
    They are showing us,
    this is me now.
    And despite all of the crazy
    we cannot grasp it.
    We cannot see it for what it is.
    It is too painful.
    We start to bargain
    with ourselves, versus reason and safety.
    We say in our mother hearts
    "I can fix this
    if I do this or I do that, I will fix this.
    Through the bargaining and our reacting through the memories of our children as they once were,
    the reality of it all emerges in the maelstrom.
    As we protest, insults are hurled
    excuses are thrown at us
    then we go through the period of questioning.
    Is it me? Did I somehow cause this in my child?
    The bargaining continues.
    Guilt ridden
    dazed and confused
    we try and try and try to fix this.
    The more we try, the uglier the ugly gets.
    And so, as we continue to bargain and help and the ugly gets uglier,
    we are forced to realize, we are not helping.
    Our d cs, for all the help we have given, hold us in contempt.
    I think they begin to see us as stupid, so stupid because we keep helping.
    Deep inside their minds their is a sort of incredulousness,
    how does she take this from me?

    How do we allow this?
    It is through our deep love for them.
    We have thrown away ourselves for them.
    And they see this.
    And they take advantage of it.

    Yes SeaGenie, he is not the son you raised, and yet, he is.
    Remember the old commercial with the frying pan and the egg.
    "This is your brain"....the egg is cracked separated and poured into the frying pan, "this is your brain on drugs."
    But we keep seeing the egg, our children as they once were.
    We do not want to look at the fried egg.
    But we must.
    This does not mean they will never be whole again.
    It means they will not be whole under our roofs.
    So we give them their wings.
    But our mother heartstrings tug at us
    we remember the egg and start to awfulize at what could, may, happen.
    We want to know what is going on, how they are doing.
    We have let them go from our house,we have not let them go from our thoughts.
    Just as it was in our house, they are now in the forefront of our minds
    because we have not learned to fill the empty
    that happened
    when we threw ourselves away for them.
    So we try to fill the empty
    with the intense need to know
    what they are doing.
    Instead of a normal
    loving response
    of a child/mother relationship
    you get contempt
    "Stop stalking me."
    It is because you have sacrificed yourself, SeaGenie,
    you are sacrificing yourself daily,
    although he is not in your house,
    it is just as bad,
    and your son knows this.

    We must fill the empty
    by picking ourselves back up.
    By discovering our own value.
    by doing this
    we are acknowledging our own self worth,
    we are showing ourselves
    and our D cs
    the promise,
    the rainbow.
    In this we can amaze ourselves in the power of G-d
    In the power of ourselves.
    In this we can
    amaze our D c's.

    Yes SeaGenie, it is a wonderful thing, this peace. Now to work on peace of heart peace of mind, so the whole of you comes together.

    Yes prayers are powerful things SeaGenie. Have faith in your prayers. What you have written here, you are awfulizing even in your prayers.
    I pray when my thoughts turn to my D c's,
    "I have given them to you, the all powerful, in this I know they will be okay."

    Wonderful SeaGenie, you have already taken steps to bring back your value, your own self worth.

    Your welcome SeaGenie. And thank you. For in writing to you, and knowing your story, I am fortifying myself. I am hearing the new self talk, the "New Leaf".

    I know a bit of this, not having family.
    It is not as drastic as yours, it is not death that took my family, it is distance.
    Well, my father passed and my Mom is very gravely ill.
    But, that is another story....

    There is a saying, "Friends are the family we choose."
    Somewhere out there SeaGenie, are friends that will comfort you.
    I should like to think of all of these souls on this board as our friends.

    The best friend you can have is G-d.
    Then the other best friend is

    Be kind to yourself SeaGenie! Love yourself!

  8. lovemyson1

    lovemyson1 Active Member

    I know how you feel! So many nights I went to sleep crying and worried and stomachaches daily. It's not your son, it's the drugs. When my son got himself in so much trouble that he was facing jail, my husband scared him into the home he's in now, that has 100% changed him and he is thankful we pushed and never gave up. Any time you get to talk to him, scare him about what he's doing to himself and offer treatment. There is hope and I'm sorry for what you're going through!
  9. SeaGenieTx

    SeaGenieTx Active Member

    New Leaf - thank you again - you have all helped make sense of everything and reassure me that I am doing the right thing. Everything you said is so accurate.

    Letting them live at home or giving them 2nd, 3rd chances - only escalates the situation and makes it worse. TRUTH!

    Then kicking them out you go thru that guilt stage, questioning whether you did the right thing, etc. Maybe it was me... etc. And my son was so manipulative to turn it around on me by saying "You're delusional, you have anger issues, you have mood swings!". Gaslighting is what someone mentioned on here.

    Whenever you try to bargain with these kids it just gets uglier. Man you are right about that. Then if you let your guard down and let them come back in, they look at you as stupid and that they fooled you. Master manipulators they are while on drugs.

    What you allow is what will continue. TRUER WORDS.... It will continue and just get worse. Getting them out of the house and forcing them to figure out life on their own is the only way.

    I just hate that it all escalated and got really ugly and he said horrible things to me but that was what shocked me into realizing how bad he has gotten and he can't be trusted at all. When I told him he needed help and when he wanted help and rehab, I'd be there. He said "I'm fine, stop being so dramatic".

    He has no idea how truly intelligent and wise his old mom is. I've been thru a lot in life and have survived major loss, endured tough jobs to survive and make sure we lived comfortably. Sacrificed 20 years to put him first above myself and anyone else and this is what I get in return, a knife in the heart.

    I will NOT let him ever take advantage of me again or lie to me. Everyone says "Never turn your back on family" but you have to if they refuse to help themselves.

    One day at a time and like New Leaf says... the Serenity Prayer! Gotta just take it a day at a time and pray, pray, pray. So glad I can come to this forum and write when the going gets rough. Sorry if I repeat myself... and thank you for listening and offering support. It helps me survive the dark moments. ((((HUGS))) to you New Leaf and everyone else who takes the time to write back to me on here. :group-hug: