You guys were right....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mstang67chic, Nov 7, 2008.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    ....difficult child took the decision to kick him out, out of our hands. A friend of his came and picked him up yesterday evening. There was no mention of him staying over but he didn't come home. I called the school today and of course he wasn't there. When I finally got ahold of him, I was informed that he is moving out. Tomorrow. His friend is, I believe, 21 and another guy lives there that is 18 or 19....ish.

    His stuff is packed and setting out for us to inspect as we've told him that nothing leaves that we haven't approved. AND if anything does get taken out that we didn't give permission for, we will call the police and press theft charges. It kind of cracks me up though. His pile of stuff is pathetically small. There is still a TON of clothes and stuff in his room. He says we can toss it as he doesn't want any of it and only wears a few of his clothes anyway. Besides....he's going to get a better job soon and will buy more. Uh huh. He's moving to a tiny town out in the county that has a small store, a gas station and two or three bars. I can't wait to see this job he's going to get.

    He also swears up and down that he will stay in school. ummmhmmmmm. I haven't really said much to him about it tonight. Just asked the basics....who else lives in this house, how old, where is it, etc. I did tell him that the real world is much different than what he thinks it is but I stopped there and left it alone.

    I have a small stash of stuff in my trunk that I've been saving for when he got a place of his own. Dishes, a couple of pans, some tupperware/cool whip containers, a few utensils and four towels. I'm not sure if I will give him more of it but I did give him 3 of the towels to take with him. (sue me but the fourth was really nice.....came from my cousin's garage sale.....and I"m keeping it for husband and I to use! LOL)

    We shall see.
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2008
  2. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Well, I wish him the best of luck. It's amazing how much more humble one becomes after taking on the world without any marketable skills. Hopefully he will see the light and will be able to stay out. And have fun while he's gone!!!!
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Can I send my difficult child with your difficult child.
    I never give him the good linens or towels. They are lost, discarded or not taken care of. It doesn't seem to bother my difficult child.

    I hope your difficult child makes this move a success. At least your home will be peaceful and clean.
    Give a pat on the back and wish him well. LOL.
  4. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    He apparently won't need to take his bed as they have one at the house. He will need blankets though and unfortunately, he's welcome to most of the comforters in the house. They are so saturated with his funk because he drags them all in his room and NEVER washes them. It would take a few washings in a heavy duty washer to get the stink out, that I just don't feel it's worth it. Most of them are from cheap bed-in-a-bag sets anyway.

    husband got home earlier and we were talking about it. He gives difficult child a week before he's back home.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Well, now you will get a little respite, I guess. If he comes home in a week, will he be welcome?
  6. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Ummmm.....can I get back to you on that one?

    Honestly....there will be issues. If he leaves school, his insurance is kaput which means that so are his medications. He will NOT live here unmedicated so then we're back to square one.
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What does the school say as to his enrollment? Will the expel him if he is not going to classes and not completing work? That may be a moot point, as well. Hopefully he hasn't done anything drastic like withdraw...

    Hopefully, you and husband can take this time to come to an agreement as to under what circumstances, if any, you would allow him to return home.

    I'd probably give him the dishes and pots and pans, myself. I have a bunch of stuff in the basement for when M moves into his own apartment. Or maybe while he's still living with roommates, if we ever finish with the kitchen and I unpack the last boxes and decide "that's the last of the stuff I'm not keeping."
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I just went to a garage sale this morning and got a couple of things for difficult child 1 and girlfriend.

    On the subject of towels (good or otherwise) - easy child 2/difficult child 2 & BF2 had a nasty leak in their hot water system (poor thing collapsing after such heavy misuse, I suspect) and they chucked a couple of towels nearby onto the flood to soak it all up. What with the delays and the landlord etc, the towels got dirty and the colour began to run from one towel to the other. Plus all the rust, and dirt from the old hot water system was making the towels dirty. easy child 2/difficult child 2 came to see us last Monday to do some printing from her computer (she has laptop but no printer) and brought the towels with her to ask for help - BF2 was going to throw them out, thinking they were ruined. But one of the towels in particular is easy child 2/difficult child 2's favourite, her best towel. So husband & I reassured her that it was an easy fix - and it was. For us - because we have an outdoor clothesline and an effective washing machine. We hung them on the line to dry out, then washed them, then hung them outside again to dry. No stains, no smells, even the colour staining was gone.

    As for the unbelievably stinky, dirty, yellowed mess that teen/young adult males can get their things into - don't throw them out. There is an inexpensive, easy solution that has even managed to salvage difficult child 1's stuff. I first used it as a desperation measure on a suit I was given to clean (if possible) then wear, for a local drama production. The suit had previously been worn by a never-bathing, chain-smoking man running around the stage under hot lights in a heatwave. Ugh! The wardrobe mistress handed it to me on a stick. I'm not kidding! My house stank just form having the suit in a plastic bag in my laundry.

    Solution - fill the laundry tub (or better still, an outdoor vat of sorts) with warm water (not hot, aim for blood heat) and a generous scoop of enzyme laundry detergent. While the tub is filling, get your garments in question and splash or spray white vinegar (cheap stuff, don't waste your good salad vinegar on this) GENEROUSLY especially on the smelly or stained areas. Hey, if it's bad let's just soak the lot in a bucket of vinegar first. Then put it all to soak in the warm enzyme detergent mix.

    Leave it overnight. Then COLD wash the stuff using more enzyme laundry detergent. Do not put any of your own stuff in the wash with it.

    Be prepared, if it's really bad, to have to do this up to three times. The soak water when I did the suit, was like a mix of coffee and dirty wash-up water. It took a double soak before I did the first cold wash in the machine, and I then re-soaked once before another machine wash. That suit came out with NO odour at all! OK, it took some ironing (and putting a hot iron onto sweat smelly clothing is a good way to find out how stubborn those smells can be) and even when being ironed, that suit didn't smell.

    I've been doing this with the kids' clothing now for years, since difficult child 1 hit puberty. For even really smelly clothing of difficult child 1's, all I need to do most of the time is spray the armpits with vinegar and then toss the shirt in the laundry tub until washday. No pre-soak needed. Socks which haven't been changed for a couple of months need special treatment like the suit coat did, and may emerge with all brown removed and maybe only a little residual stiffness. I will even give sneakers the vinegar treatment. The other trick with sneakers is using carb soda powder sprinkled into the sneakers when they are dry. Sprinkling carb soda into the toes of socks before wearing can also help naturally deodorise feet.

    Important things to remember - COLD wash, and never more than BLOOD HEAT soak. If you need to do more than cold wash, go up to blood heat. But NEVER do a hot wash because all it will do is cook the stains and smells in, then you will never get rid of them.

    The vinegar interferes with the proteins in the stains and smells. The enzymes work effectively to digest them also, but enzymes will be killed by too much heat. Blood heat helps them work at maximum efficiency.

    It's easy. It's cheap. Vinegar is the most important ingredient. For persistent stains you can also rub with a bar of soap. To make this easier, let the soap bar sit in a puddle for about ten minutes then rub on the soggy side. No need to scrub. Just toss it into the washing machine and next time you wash it should make a big difference.

    If you need to, wear disposable gloves to touch the boy's clothes. I had to, with that suit. Honestly, if it had come off some alcoholic street vagrant with incontinence it couldn't have been worse.

    Remember, if you throw stuff out then you're contaminating the environment (unless you compost it - and synthetics won't compost). He will only buy more stuff which, after one or two wearings, will be in the same state (because the problem is compounded when the wearer doesn't wash or wear deodorant).

    I taught my kids to do this and it was actually easy child 2/difficult child 2 who got me onto using a spray bottle for the vinegar. And now that difficult child 3 is a malodorous teen, he is being told to routinely splash vinegar onto his shirts' armpits when he puts them in the washing basket.

    it can be done, even after years of neglect.

    Maybe you can give difficult child a bottle of cheap vinegar when he moves out?

  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    FWIW, I would make a list of pros and cons of difficult child being out of the house.(for him) I would also list the issues that are a concern. Such as insurance, medications, job, money etc.

    I would also be clear what you will do and what you won't. Write it down so he can't get confused. Visual info is something they can see and help remember when he "forgets" that you won't pay for medications.

    Give him a few basics, some paper products and wish him well. Be clear about whether he may come back and on what terms. You have to make sure he knows what to expect when he does come home.
  10. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Try to enjoy the time he is gone. I remember when I kicked my difficult child out, as soon as she was gone I ran around and locked all the doors (she didn't have a key so no need to change locks) and then I felt so happy and relieved to have her out and to know she wasn't going to live with me anymore. I know your situation is different in that you aren't kicking him out, but please do take advantage of the situation and enjoy your time!
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Amen, Fran. Very good advice.

    'Stang, I feel obligated to point out, what you do here will set the tone for his life for some time to come. If coming and going is what he thinks you will put up with, it is what he'll do.

    I would prepare the list of expectations, but unless he came back to me with his tail between his legs and asking what it is he can do in order to come home, I wouldn't let him in the door other than to pick up his stuff. He has to know it is on your terms. If he comes through the door all arrogance and "they were too stupid to stay with", then you have to kick him and his stuff right back out the door until he wants to come home, not when he has to come home.
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I had to work today and was up and gone before anyone else got up. I texted husband mid-morning to see what was happening. Apparently, husband talked to difficult child about supporting himself on no money (his job is gone), what happens if (ahem....when) he's no longer in school and looses his insurance, etc. and difficult child changed his mind.

    I find that I'm both disappointed and relieved but at the same time.....I just want SOMETHING to happen. I'm so tired of living like this.
  13. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Something I've done to support my kids when they've left - I sent them a copy of my recipe book, all the recipes I've collected and written up, the basics of the food they grew up with and how to make it. I was at one stage turning it into a commercial cookbook (for busy people on a tight budget) and actually asked the kids to let me know if they had any difficulty following the instructions. A sort of, "Pick a recipe you know you like and try to follow my instructions; anything you find difficult please let me know so I can fix the instructions to make it easier." That way they don't feel like they're leaning on me, they are on a footing of helping me (but still getting some really practical help from me that they need).

    It's help you can give, without being a doormat in any way. It's actually working towards increasing independence which is your goal for him as parent.

    It mightn't be a recipe book, instead it could be some handy hints (such as my method of deodorising/destaining clothes using vinegar).

    Even if he's leaving under a cloud, there are still things you can do to ease the transition and keep the communication open.

  14. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    I actually made one of these for one of my cousin's when he moved out. Of that set of grandchildren, I am the oldest by 9 years so I tend to mother the rest. difficult child made the cover for me (I used a report cover with the plastic binder that you slide on) and gave it to the cuz with a box full of stuff. Utensils you don't think of getting, some spices, a couple of boxes of mac and cheese...just all sorts of stuff. He loved it. He's since gotten married but I have seen that booklet in his kitchen since then. He and his sibs lived with the grandparents for a time so he loved that a couple of the recipes were ones that I had gotten from Grandma or were things that she and I make the same way. In addition to recipes it also had some handy hints and tips for general household stuff.

    I should really find it (think it's on the old computer...........or the one difficult child disassembled....not really sure) and update it for difficult child. just depends on where he's living. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I find that I'm both disappointed and relieved but at the same time

    I hear you, Mstng!
    I wish you luck and strength, and a light heart, while he finds his way. It will be very hard for you to resist that smirk and chuckle when he messes things up. He thinks he knows it all ... but perhaps this will teach him what he needs to know.
    I can see why your husband gives difficult child a wk. But then again, maybe not.
    At least you know where he's going and you can probably assume he'll be safe.
    Uh ... does he have a washing machine? Detergent?
    Maybe he'll use it. :)

    {{hugs}} for the next few days while you wait this out. I've got my fingers crossed for you. You made me chuckle about the towel. Always the pragmatist. :)
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'm confused, I guess. (What else is new?) Had he already moved out and now he is back? Or was he just threatening? Either way, it's time to set some hard and fast rules. The basics of passing grades at school, taking medications, active involvement in treatment, job, and respect towards his family seem like a good place to start.

    I hate to hear that there's so much upheaval at home for you. It will pass, though.
  17. ML

    ML Guest

    Enjoy the week! I agree with husband but at least after the week it will be a situation of what he has to do to earn the privilege to live there.

    Marg, what is that baking soda carb thing? Manster is having terrible foot odor and I want to try it with his sneakers.

  18. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    It sounds like he is back?

    Regardless, I know how difficult this is all on you.
    As you probably know, 3 months ago I had to send difficult child "away". It has resulted in him turning 18 in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), me getting extended guardianship in order to keep him there, and him now staying there because he is 2000 miles away with nowhere to go.

    I am certainly not suggesting that you take the same path - I am only saying I know how deeply and profoundly this hurts. There really are no words for how angering, painful, and soul ripping it is to watch our kids struggle to find their way, and to watch them do so with such utter failure, that we feel the only way we can keep them on the safe path is to continue to care for them. Yet we know, we are enabling them. For me, the day came when difficult child was so violent and suicidal I had no choice but to seek outside placement, shelter. I am not sure if this was a blessing or a curse - but it is certainly true to difficult child's style. He is all or nothing.

    I have no words of advice, I just wanted to tell you I know. I know how hard this all is.
    And please know, that I am sending you many hugs and prayers of support and wisdom to know what to do, and which step to take next.
  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Carb soda is chemically known as sodium hydrogen carbonate, traditionally known as bicarbonate of soda. It's often used to deodorise - you can put a dish of it in the fridge for example. If you sprinkle some inside your socks or inside sneakers, then you can find some improvement in odour.

    Carb soda is good; white vinegar is good. One or the other, they all work each in different ways.

    And they're cheap.

  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    ML ~ Carb Soda is "Baking Soda"

    You can also wrap your son's sneakers tightly in a garbage bag (for sanitary reasons) and put them in a freezer for a couple of days. It will kill the bacteria making them stink. Make sure that they are thoroughly dry before he puts them back on.

    Luckily, I have an upright dryer with a rack that you can insert and set things upon. I wash the sneakers in the washer, then dry them on low heat. It takes a couple of cycles, but it works like a charm and they often look like new.