You saw it coming didn't you?.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Nov 25, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    kt's had a very rough time since husband left us Saturday morning. She wasn't aware that he was leaving nor was I. It just happened.

    Well, kt is feeling abandoned, depressed & angry. All very valid emotions. Emotions we are encouraging kt to express (appropriately). However, we are also seeing more dissociation - some states back to infant hood. Making it very tough for PCAs to handle as kt has been in such a good state for so long they had never witnessed this & were extremely confused (scared?).

    Praying we're not back to square one ~ I don't think so. At some point yesterday, kt told me that men were pigs. I didn't disagree. ;)
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I think your Miss Kt has matured. Of course she is feeling abandoned, angry and depressed - I'm sure they are the same emotions you are feeling - especially the anger!

    "Men are pigs" is a good evaluation of the situation! I think the anger is healthier than the other emotions for her. It may mean she's dealing. I don't think she's back to square one either Linda.

    You guys are in my prayers.

  3. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think with all her maturing this won't put her back to square one. I can understand kt's feeling that all men are pigs in this situation. I'm sorry for all you both are going through. Continued prayers.
  4. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If kt were a easy child she would be reacting badly. And she's definitely difficult child, even though she has been doing so well lately. She has had a lot to deal with, your own health problems in there too. So right now, this is to be expected.

    If she can say, "Men are pigs" to you, then she is not regressing that much.

    An understandable reaction.

    Hang in there, stay safe. You are a strong woman. In her own way, so is kt.

  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    I would have been surprised and worried if she hadn't regressed. Most kids do when there's a split. She'll go back to being today's kt in time. Right now, she's coping the best she can.

    Honestly, I'm more concerned with the "men are pigs" statement. The last thing she needs is an excuse to have more anger at men than she already has. Yes, what your husband did was wrong, hurtful and hateful but not all men are like that and kt needs to have that explained to her. She also needs to understand that he didn't leave because he ddn't love her or even you, it was his mental health causing him to run from everything going on. He just couldn't cope with it but rather than acting like an adult and trying to find the way to deal with it, he chose to run away. Kt needs to learn that there is a huge difference between what an adult, healthy male does and what a man with a mental illness does in adverse situations.

    I'm sorry you, kt, wm and even H are going through this. Hopefully, he'll find that he made a huge mistake and come back better and stronger. If not, I know you will find a way to deal with it and to help the Tweedles survive this additional hurt. Hugs and love to all of you.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Linda, given the timing of this and what kt has recently been through, I'm not surprised at all that this has hit her so hard. Personally, I think it might be better for her to be mad at men right now than to be blaming herself or thinking she's being rejected by husband. At least if she can see that he shouldn't have done what he did, maybe she won't have as much internal turmoil about herself. That';s just my opinion.

    I'm hoping there's a good therapist on board who can help with this. So, how are you doing?
  7. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I am so sad for all of you right now.
    Maybe you can talk with kt and have her view this as dad is ill, kinda like wm is ill, and since he was not doing right by you and kt while he was there, becuz he is ill, he is living elsewhere kinda like wm is living elsewhere?
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry.
    I'm glad you are helping her express herself. I have to admit, I chuckled when I read her comment. Hey, that's what a lot of people say!
    I do not think you are back to square one. I think she will slowly come back to center. with-a difficult child, it's always harder, more exaggerated, more drawn out. But she has made so much progress, I just can't see this being a permanent thing.
    I've got my fingers crossed for all of you.
  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I am so sorry you all are dealing with this.

    Perhaps a stuffed pig and an inflatable bat? For all of you?

  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Gosh given what kt just had happened to her at school, and then out of the blue this - I think I would regress too. And I know I would think men are pigs :mad: More than one male has just really hurt her in a very short amount of time. She is processing this the best way she knows how.

    I am sure the PCAs are a little taken back, and scared. So is kt. So are you. But you are not back at square one.

    Where is said husband? Is he calling kt and trying to explain things to her? Reassure her?

    Hugs and prayers to you,
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    I am so sorry for all of your pain and hers. I agree with the others, I think anyone would regress in this situation. She is a smart kid - men ARE pigs!!! :)

    Sending {{{HUGS}}} and prayers for you and your family. Hang in there.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Linda -

    I know this is a beyond hard time for all of you. However I think this is an incredible time to be KT's Mom. You have an opportunity here to change history with her - take advantage of it.

    Right now she is angry, and feeling a ton of emotions that she probably stuffed but is old enough now to cope with in some ways. She says all men are pigs. Not true. And as MUCH as you WANT to side with her or not disagree with her - this is (where I think) you could right the wrong that is in her mind. She's already been dumped on by men as a baby and now this - BUT she NEEDS to know for her mental health and her future in relationships that what happened in your house isn't ANYTHING to do with her. And as much as I side with you as your friend - you really need to tell her that there ARE good men out there and not all of them are pigs.

    I fear otherwise she will be bitter and coast through life being a man hater and wreck opportunities to have healthy relationships for herself with men. Sure - what Dad did is hard to understand - but he is (you tell her what he is mentally ill, having a hard time with life, not standing up to his committments) whatever it is -but she really needs to NOT own this.

    Dad did what he did because X.....NOT because all men are pigs. I'm sure she'll process this with her therapist but your reactions to this situation will form her middle earth for HER life in relationships. This is when it truly skunks to be a Mom - because YOU want to sit and cry and get some much deserved attention (Lord knows I did) and you can't - not in front of her. Now is the time to be strong and say "You know what? What your Dad did stinks - but it's HIS problem and we have lives to live and we have each other - ALWAYS." I dont' know how her bio family handled things like this - but by the state of her condition I would say NOT AT ALL.

    I'm holding you up Linda - I'm so sorry to have to say any of this - but there are good men out there and she needs to know that.

    Hugs & Love from the other side of the hill - (standing over here so no one can throw daggers at me)
  13. Linda,

    I am so sorry you are going through this. As if you have enough on your plate with wm and kt, but having to deal with H too. It's tough.

    I certainly hope that the regression for kt isn't too bad, it is certainly understandable that there would be some regression.

    My heart goes out to you, kt and wm during this hard, hard time.


  14. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    I am so sad for you and your family. I pray for strength for you and KT. I admire your courage to keep caring for your difficult child in the face of all of the adversity. Truly you are a warrior mom!

    KT will not go back to square one. Give her some time, she will survive this setback and thrive. And you will too.

    Gentle hugs to you and KT.
  15. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I don't think kt will regress either. Star actually said what I'm thinking - She said it much better than I could. So, I'm not going to repeat any of it here.

    You and kt are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. Sending lots of warm, caring thoughts.... Hugs... WFEN
  16. Ropefree

    Ropefree Banned

    Timer Lady,
    Some of the words that shaped my life in a good way were "don't let him hurt your child"
    As difficult as the emotional toll of abandonment maybe for us it is the protection and safty and nurturance our chidren need...the constancy that acts to pin their sence of their security...I am so certain that your family is so very saddened at this time...Wrap them in your them that joy and sorrow walk hand in hand in life...that love, your love, is as certain as the sun rise and nightfall.
    Timer your back!
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Being mad is OK. Voicing those feelings is great!
    When you just going inside yourself that is when the problems occur. Try to keep her open and being honest about how she feels. Come on KT let out. And then teach her how to move on. Just like she has been doing with all of the other things she has been through in her short rough life. You to Linda!
    Huge hugs to the both of you.
    How is WM, does he know yet?
  18. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Linda, I am so very sorry. There just are no words.

    It's no wonder that KT is having a rough time with all this, especially considering everything else that she's been through lately ... it would be more surprising if she didn't! But I don't think you're back at 'square one' at all. It won't be easy for her and it will not happen overnight, but I believe she will work her way through this. Even with all her problems, in many ways she's a very mature, very capable young lady.

    And she has YOU! I saw that with my own kids, even though what they had to contend with was minor compared to what KT has gone through in her short life, poor kid. But as many times as their father disappointed them, as many times as he hurt them and embarassed them (and finally left them), they always knew that I was there. I really believe that as long as they have one good, strong, consistent, loving parent on their side, one that they know loves them and that they can rely on, they will be able to work through it. It wasn't easy for my kids and they had a lot to work through, but I think now that they see him from a more mature standpoint, he still angers them but they don't give him the chance to disappoint them anymore and I think they actually pity him a little. It's his loss, not theirs.
  19. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Nothing else to add...but hugs for you and kt.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oh, Linda... I'm really sorry to hear about all of this. I'm just now catching up that your husband left due to my computer virus. I agree with others that it would be unusual for kt not to regress, given the situation. Even I would regress, I think!

    Next time you marry a man for his wallet (per your "plan b" post), marry one with more money it it, for crying out loud!