Young difficult child is talking Divorce now...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Dec 20, 2012.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Well, the other night when daughter in law and the grandbabies came over daughter in law wanted young difficult child to be involved with taking care of the kids/spending time with them. Young difficult child said he was tired from work and wanted his time to relax.
    Apparentely while smoking cigarettes in the garage...They got into an arguement. daughter in law told young difficult child awhile back that she had cheated on him last year (before he went to prison) and that this man would have put her and the kids needs before his own and taken care of them.

    Young difficult child told me last night that he wants a divorce. I told him that he is a man now and his problems were his to solve. He can't "get over" what she has done. Roll eyes...Nevermind the fact that he drank and drugged pretty much the past 5 yrs of their married life and was "absent" as far as being a responsible man and caring for his beautiful little family.

    husband and I have talked...We think that young difficult child is afraid. He is now "dry" "sober" whatever you want to call it...and dealing with the reality of the situation. I think it is overwhelming to him to realise that this family of 5 needs him. He wants to go back to the days of "me me me" ya know.

    On a positive note...He has been going to work everyday but Sunday's since he was released from Prison.
    He has also gone to 2 Overcomer meetings a week, required orientations, parole office visits etc.
    I am tired from being his Taxi...but I will muster the strength to run him all over H and creation if it means he stays out of Prison. This better pay off...I am giving it my all. Just hope that young difficult child will/can give it his.

    Wishing he would "Man Up" and be there for his children at least. I did raise my children to know the empty hole inside a child's heart when they don't feel worthy of being loved well by a parent...when they don't have a relationship with a parent because of absence or I did not have a relationship with my bio-dad due to his Alcoholism and absence in my life. Didn't know him/meet him til I was 17. It had a profound effect on my self worth. I do not want my grandchildren to internalise young difficult child's lacktherein. It is the deepest sadness I ever experienced...well, aside from my son's drug/alcohol related problems.

  2. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am sorry your difficult child isn't strong enough to be a responsible parent. Hopefully if he continues towing the line he will find the strength in the future. Hopefully before it is too late to have a decent relationship with his children. Whatever happens as far as the divorce goes, I do hope you will be allowed to be the terrific grandparent you have always been. -RM
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I wondered if it would come to this. They are so awful young and have put so much on their plates. 3 kids is so much. You and I both know it. I think you are even younger than I am and look where we are. It is really putting a whole lot of struggle on young people and many crack under the pressure. I think Tony and I didnt simply because we were either too stubborn or too stupid...or maybe too darned We probably should have split up many times but neither of us had the gumption to take the steps to get out because it was just too much work. And here we are almost 30 years later still wondering how we made it this far! I think the kids and now grandkids holding us together plus we just cant see being with anyone else anymore.

    Can your son really see himself not being in his kids lives? Would he want to be an absentee dad? It is a painful place to be. He can ask my son. Cory hates it horribly. He wants his oldest daughter in the worst possible way. She is his heart even though he loves his second child just as much but Keyana will always be his first baby. He has missed out on so many things and he has to put on that brave face to hide the pain. He is happiest when they are both together. Your son needs to really think about that. Walking away might be the easy way out right now but it will effect him and his kids forever.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I hope he mans up too and takes his responsibility seriously. Sounds like he is trying to take the easy way out by saying he can;t get over this. Also while he sat in prison daughter in law has been caring for those kids herself, he should be begging to help now. Doesn;t sound like he has matured much sadly.

    But you are right to stay out of this. It is his life and his responsibility and you are already doing far too much for him.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    We all know that during the s.a. years there is arrested development of emotional maturity. Often what changes the course of the future is the support/guidance of a life partner. Unfortunately his life partner is not very mature herself and without her Mom (and you) I doubt the children would be doing well at all. The two of them have never bonded as parents on their own so even with-o evil intent it makes sense that they can't "pick up where they were"...because really they weren't "anywhere"

    I'm hoping and praying LMS. Most of all I want you and your husband to have a peaceful future whle you are young enought to enjoy life together as a couple. It's hard. DDD
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    RM, Thank you. I really don't see daughter in law withholding grandbabies from me. She and I are actually pretty good friends and she gets along great with our family...with the exception being young difficult child now, sigh.

    Janet, LOL about you and Tony. Ya, I have often said that husband and I "didn't know we couldn't...and so we did". We both felt a strong sense of obligation and loyalty, commitment to our family. Now, we've had our relationship "tested"...but we passed. We just plain love each other...and deserve each other, lol. I don't know anyone else who would be able to put up with the two of us, lol.

    I don't know if young difficult child is looking at what this will do to he and the kids. I suppose in reality...he really hasn't had much of a relationship with them anyway. He was absent the first yr and half of his son's life (in the military) and then around alittle for second daughter (the middle one that almost died two weeks ago after seisure). And now this third baby girl born while he was in prison. And much of the time he was with them all in the past he was drinking/drugging.

    Nancy...Yes, I was just wrapping Birthday presents for the middle daughter and made her cake a short while ago. Birthday party to be at our home around 5 this afternoon. All I could think about was daughter in law giving so much of herself to young difficult child....staying with him no matter how "abusive" he has been. It was her that put the money we gave to her on young difficult child's "books" while in prison. Her that visited him most often. Her that set up phone priveledges for him to be able to call her. She never left his "side"...She even went and picked up from prison with clothes she bought him, new cologne, etc...things to make him feel comfortable and good about being in the "free world" again. And now this is how he repays her.

    I see it as more "destructive behavior". No, he is not "drunk" now...but yet he is destroying the ones he "loves".
    I do think there is something more "wrong" with my son. This is NOT the example that his dad and I gave him growing up. It is very very sad.

    DDD, Maybe far as arrested maturity. But I just-don't-care! He acts weak. And ya know...I'm tired of him walking through the door after I've driven him to work, to parole office, to orientations, to home, etc, etc, etc...and all he wants to do is get on the computer and monitor the weather. Damnit, I'm tired of his obsessions. You know I obsessed! About raising a family...Raising them well! Raising them with two dedicated, hard working, positive minded, parents...who were damned and determined to succeed!!! To give them the VERY BEST that we could conjure up as we both had come from broken homes ourselves. But we didn't give up!!!

    Thank you for wishing that husband and I get to enjoy life together while we are still young enough to do so.

    I am so saddened and mad right now at young difficult child. I think he is a very selfish person right now. I don't care really what his challenges or obstacles are at this moment. And I am getting tired of being yelled at when I go to wake him or prod him out the door for work or next appointment. I don't need the attitude.

    Uhg...Is this really what I signed up for!
    Shaking head,
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    LMS I had forgotten about his weather fixation. Is there any chance that his interest could transfer over to a career goal? I have no idea how much education it takes to become a weatherman but if I recall he's a smart kid. Hmmm... DDD
  8. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    You are so strong and have your head and heart in the right places. I wish your difficult child could follow suit....sigh. But we know it doesn't work that way.

    Praying for peace for you during these next few weeks!
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand being angry. I get angry. It is fine to be angry and I think it does you good to tell him you are angry. Worrying about hurting his widdle feelings isnt something you need to worry about anymore. He isnt a little boy anymore. I think its time for him to hear the cold hard truth now. At some point in time they need to hear that even mom isnt going to be around to soften lifes blows for them. That even mom has her limit's and that she can get sick and tired of his antics. I have had to do it to Cory before and it wasnt pretty. I let it build far too long and I let it all out in one huge meltdown where I said some really awful things to him. Oh well. Such is life.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS, I am catching up. Sorry I have not been around to follow all that is going on. I think your young difficult child is just focused on himself right now and cant or wont see the bigger picture of his family. Your daughter in law sounds like a gem and the fact that you and she have a good relationship is great for the grandchildren as they will continue to need you in their lives, and you need them in yours. So continue to do what you are doing to nurture them and nurture your relationship with their mom. Young difficult child may at some point figure out he wants a relationship with his kids... or he may not. That will be his choice and if he doesnt, his loss. Given the nature of their relationship and his behavior they may be better off really if he is not that invovled. Sad to say but it may be true. Hugs to you and all that you have been through... you are an inspiration to me!