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Substance Abuse
Your house/your rules -How to stop 17 yo from using pot in house?
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<blockquote data-quote="Percy" data-source="post: 705877" data-attributes="member: 21263"><p>Thank you for your replies and advice. Sons problems have escalated over 18-24 months. He has been involved in juvenile justice system (for shoplifting, 3 instances) and seemingly has learned nothing, is impervious to the impact of law enforcement/court/probation. Every interaction with law enforcement fuels his ODD. He isn't afraid of authority, isn't afraid of police. I have been contacted by police multiple times in the middle of the night because son is asserting his free speech rights to flip off/tell police to "shove" off. (Son is very smart, no LDs, stopped attending and dropped out of high school from advanced honors and AP classes, in any situation can cite the Supreme Court precedents supporting his oppositional position.) </p><p></p><p>We have removed the door in the past. It is currently on; I could remove it again.</p><p></p><p>All privileges that we provide our other children, and which we previously provided to this son, we have taken away as a consequence of his choices. He has room, board, shower, use of washer/dryer. The one thing remaining is cell service. We have not shut off his cell phone connection. (He bought phone, he is on our plan, he pays 25% of the monthly nut for service (we expect all our children to do this). I waver between whether that is a privilege for him, or a benefit for me, such that I can text him/him me re his whereabouts. He generally will respond to me, although not with specifics "at a friends" "getting something to eat". So I know he is alive, but not actually where he is. That does make me feel better. </p><p>--->What do folks here think - should I shut off phone service?</p><p></p><p>He has a computer, TV, tablet ---**all of which he has bought 100% with his own money**. I face an ethical conflict in taking them from him, since he bought them. And a previous counselor said that taking things he acquired with his own money would fuel his ODD tendencies and not be a behavior changing consequence. </p><p>--->What do folks here think about his?</p><p></p><p>Calling the police feels like the nuclear option for me. I don't know if there is any going back from that. My husband (who is my son's father, father of all 5 of my kids, married 20 years, good marriage, are essentially on same page as we deal with 17yo son) feels strongly we should not call the police unless we feel there is a safety issue. Having a bong in his room or smoking weed in the bathroom doesn't pose imminent danger. (If there is a safety issue I would call with no hesitation.) </p><p></p><p>My son is not violent or aggressive, has never had a physical conflict with anyone, not even his brothers. So I am torn. My husband's thinking is that if we call police, because of his ODD and the epic power struggle he is in with us (at least in his mind; and about everything) he will not perceive it as a consequence of his behavior, rather just something his "parents did to him"/"our fault". And he will learn nothing, And we will have to go to court a dozen times more, and pay for a lawyer again (in our state parent cannot waive minor child's right to counsel, and unless one is indigent, there is no legal aid so parents must pay for counsel.) And he will get out and return to our family even more defiant, oppositional and angry, having learned nothing. </p><p></p><p>Since he is on probation, he may well go to detention if I call police. (Not using drugs is condition of his probation, not breaking law is condition of probation, following house rules is a condition of probation.) I work in a field serving survivors of sexual assault, so I am highly attuned to the quite high risk of sexual assault in detention. I know that one of my own limits is that I do not want to be the impetus that sets in motion a row of dominos that leads to him being assaulted.</p><p></p><p>I am also concerned what message calling the police and him possibly ending up in detention sends to my other children, i.e. "Mommy sent Name to jail". I am not sure if that is a line I can cross. And thus am searching for other options before I go down that path.</p><p>---> What do folks think? I could really use some feedback on these competing factors regarding calling the police.</p><p></p><p>(FWIW I do know the police would respond, and they would arrest him if he is in possession of pot in his room in my house (but then would immediately hand him over to me bc minors arrested in my state cannot be held in custody except in limited circumstances, so all of this would play out in my kitchen...son would not be taken to police station; I know the specifics because I went to station and met with youth detective to discuss exactly this scenario, so that I would not call police only to have them come and say "hey lady, your kid is your problem" or not arrest him because this is a "parenting issue")</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Percy, post: 705877, member: 21263"] Thank you for your replies and advice. Sons problems have escalated over 18-24 months. He has been involved in juvenile justice system (for shoplifting, 3 instances) and seemingly has learned nothing, is impervious to the impact of law enforcement/court/probation. Every interaction with law enforcement fuels his ODD. He isn't afraid of authority, isn't afraid of police. I have been contacted by police multiple times in the middle of the night because son is asserting his free speech rights to flip off/tell police to "shove" off. (Son is very smart, no LDs, stopped attending and dropped out of high school from advanced honors and AP classes, in any situation can cite the Supreme Court precedents supporting his oppositional position.) We have removed the door in the past. It is currently on; I could remove it again. All privileges that we provide our other children, and which we previously provided to this son, we have taken away as a consequence of his choices. He has room, board, shower, use of washer/dryer. The one thing remaining is cell service. We have not shut off his cell phone connection. (He bought phone, he is on our plan, he pays 25% of the monthly nut for service (we expect all our children to do this). I waver between whether that is a privilege for him, or a benefit for me, such that I can text him/him me re his whereabouts. He generally will respond to me, although not with specifics "at a friends" "getting something to eat". So I know he is alive, but not actually where he is. That does make me feel better. --->What do folks here think - should I shut off phone service? He has a computer, TV, tablet ---**all of which he has bought 100% with his own money**. I face an ethical conflict in taking them from him, since he bought them. And a previous counselor said that taking things he acquired with his own money would fuel his ODD tendencies and not be a behavior changing consequence. --->What do folks here think about his? Calling the police feels like the nuclear option for me. I don't know if there is any going back from that. My husband (who is my son's father, father of all 5 of my kids, married 20 years, good marriage, are essentially on same page as we deal with 17yo son) feels strongly we should not call the police unless we feel there is a safety issue. Having a bong in his room or smoking weed in the bathroom doesn't pose imminent danger. (If there is a safety issue I would call with no hesitation.) My son is not violent or aggressive, has never had a physical conflict with anyone, not even his brothers. So I am torn. My husband's thinking is that if we call police, because of his ODD and the epic power struggle he is in with us (at least in his mind; and about everything) he will not perceive it as a consequence of his behavior, rather just something his "parents did to him"/"our fault". And he will learn nothing, And we will have to go to court a dozen times more, and pay for a lawyer again (in our state parent cannot waive minor child's right to counsel, and unless one is indigent, there is no legal aid so parents must pay for counsel.) And he will get out and return to our family even more defiant, oppositional and angry, having learned nothing. Since he is on probation, he may well go to detention if I call police. (Not using drugs is condition of his probation, not breaking law is condition of probation, following house rules is a condition of probation.) I work in a field serving survivors of sexual assault, so I am highly attuned to the quite high risk of sexual assault in detention. I know that one of my own limits is that I do not want to be the impetus that sets in motion a row of dominos that leads to him being assaulted. I am also concerned what message calling the police and him possibly ending up in detention sends to my other children, i.e. "Mommy sent Name to jail". I am not sure if that is a line I can cross. And thus am searching for other options before I go down that path. ---> What do folks think? I could really use some feedback on these competing factors regarding calling the police. (FWIW I do know the police would respond, and they would arrest him if he is in possession of pot in his room in my house (but then would immediately hand him over to me bc minors arrested in my state cannot be held in custody except in limited circumstances, so all of this would play out in my kitchen...son would not be taken to police station; I know the specifics because I went to station and met with youth detective to discuss exactly this scenario, so that I would not call police only to have them come and say "hey lady, your kid is your problem" or not arrest him because this is a "parenting issue") [/QUOTE]
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