YS off the rails

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Apr 5, 2018.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    YS is in a psychiatric hospital once again. His school social worker referred him for an evaluation after he once again made suicidal statements to her. He was admitted to the hospital afterwards ostensibly so his medications can be adjusted. His behavior has become increasingly manic and it is thought that he is either having an adverse reaction to his antidepressant, or he is truly bipolar.

    In our state mentally ill children have the right to deny HIPPA rights to their parents beginning at age 12. YS has taken this step with my wife. She can know only a few specific items such as the type of medications he is receiving. She is kept out of all other details about YS' treatment, prognosis and progress.

    Wife and I are moving on with our life together as a couple with the acceptance that her children, for the moment, don't want to be part of it. We have made some very major decisions together that I'm happy about; she is too, yet YS' condition is a dark cloud over it all as it will likely always be. Having a mentally ill child is the pain that never stops aching. You guys all get it and you help keep me sane in the midst of the insanity his illness creates.

    We have heard no word from DS and we don't expect that to change. We understand he continues to work his menial job. He was supposed to graduate from high school (online or otherwise) in May. That will not be happening as he is not done with his coursework.

    Updates as I have them. Thank you all for being here.
  2. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    BB, this is such distressing news. But I'm glad that the school is taking his suicidal expressions seriously. I was worried about their ability to react appropriately, to be honest.

    It really is the ache that never stops aching. And I have to admit to being a bit jealous that you are in a situation where you are kept in the dark with most of the this info, albeit unwillingly. I know that's irrational, but *sigh* it is what it is.

    Please do keep us posted. This is not easy stuff. And your wife must feel so incredibly awful not knowing, and then knowing. ((hugs))
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, it is the pain that never stops aching.... I know. And, I understand JRC's response about being kept in the dark with most of the info......I get that too. Sigh. But, life does move on.....it sounds as if you and your wife are in the process of accepting what is....not easy, but necessary for our well being.......and with time and a commitment, you'll find your peace....it seems you already are......we humans have an uncanny ability to adapt to the next "normal.".........I never thought joy would be possible in life with a child so off the rails.......but......IT IS.

    Sending you big hugs BBU, none of this is easy.....you've shown remarkable strength & resilience while you held love in your heart for all concerned.......you did your very best...... and it's enough......
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  4. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Firstly I am so sorry to hear this distressing news. Thank goodness they decided to admit him and he is under good care. I have come to realize that this is a very slow journey with some steps forward and then a step back or a diversion. It is in a sense a life marathon and that is why it is so important to take good care of yourself and your other loved ones. As a couple though I am happy that you two have come a very long way in the past year and seem to be on the same page. Having each other to lean on during these difficult times is the most precious gift. This is YS's journey and although I know you would all like to participate in it more, perhaps everyone needs some time to step back from this very challenging year including himself. You have been wonderful parents and he knows that you are there if he needs you. Hugs as you weather this storm. Maybe try to get away for a weekend someplace fun to nurture your spirits!!!!!
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  5. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks for the replies. As far as wife and I things are touch and go. We did make a big investment decision together recently which will work out well for me whether we stay together or not. She remains a very difficult, demanding individual who can become abusive when she doesn't get her way. Honestly, I understand why her children want nothing to do with her. There are times I feel that way myself and many times when I believe I stay in the marriage more due to my own shortcomings than a true desire to be married to this person.

    To deal with it as an adult who is free to leave at any time is one thing. Having such a person as a parent is a totally different story especially when still a minor.....and even more so when said minors are mentally ill themselves.

    One day at a time, the story is still being written.
  6. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    BBU you are such an insightful person. Your own introspection serves you well. ((hugs))
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  7. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am glad you and your wife are working together for now but sorry son is having difficulty. Maybe if they do diagnose him accurately they will be able to find a medicinal combination that works for him.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Dealing with individuals who have any kind of challenge can be daunting. I hope that Y is receptive to treatment.
  9. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Just adding my commiseration and support from afar. And having kids (I have a kid AND a grandkid that cause me constant stress and worry) that you love and that are messing up is so hard on marriages. It can bring out the worst in us and I know I'm sure not what a wife should be at times because I'm so lost in my own mess that I can be distant. I'm never snappish, just distant and uncommunicative. But my husband is patient with me and I'm patient with him and we forge ahead. We've had 37 years of practice. Oy. I'm glad the young man is safe for now, so maybe you'll get a little space to breathe.
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I am saddened by this news. I do hope he pulls through with help and a medication adjustment.
    I hope one day he opens up to his mother and you. It is sad when they allow this type of choice to have no contact or shared information. Each case is different and each case should be taken individually. When they are not in a good frame of mind they are allowed to make too many decisions.
    Thinking of you both. Keep us posted.
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  11. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks to everyone for the replies. I will be responding to many threads shortly as I am just now in a position where I have some time to do so. LBL, I am delighted to hear that E is progressing in rehab and making his way back to you and hubs, one step at a time. How you have suffered with it all - how we all suffer as parents to the troubled souls of our children. Those with "normal" kids (maybe typical is a better/fairer word) just can't ever know!

    We know very little as YS revoked my wife's rights to his medical information. She attempted to contact the hospital and was rebuffed. That was upsetting, to be told that she had no right to inquire about her child's condition. What we do know is that the doctors are weaning YS off his anti-depressant to see how his mania responds. According to them, if his mania subsides and disappears then he is not bipolar; if his mania persists, he is bipolar. The illness does run in his genetic line so I would not be surprised if ultimately, it comes out that he has it as well.

    Of course the problem is that YS needs to have an antidepressant otherwise he will be at risk of attempting again, especially since even with the antidepressants he expresses suicidal thoughts/ideation regularly. So he will have to be monitored closely. Tragically, YS' father believes his mania is simply "a good mood" and thinks this whole situation is totally overblown. YS will remain unsupervised and I am steeling myself for what feels at the moment like an inevitable final chapter. But I don't have a working crystal ball, and I am trying to live in the moment and focus on my own affairs. I have a lot of (good) stuff happening right now and it keeps me distracted and busy.

    We also know from wife's ex that YS is due to be released from the psychiatric hospital today. Ex has actually been keeping in regular touch with wife and is not withholding any information from her. So that is one small positive.

    I'll keep everyone updated most likely on a new thread.
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  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I wish they wouldn’t release him from the hospital so soon, especially since they are taking him off his medications.

    At least dad is keeping you in the loop to some extent.

    I hope things are going better between you and your wife.
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  13. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks AC.

    Wife has issues of her own which she chooses not to adequately control. The sad and ironic part is that if she would control her issues, her children would likely be part of our lives.

    I am powerless over anyone but myself.

    Today is a good day and overall lately, more good days than not.

    It is in my nature to be ambivalent so I must factor that in, as well.
  14. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    YS was released from the hospital and returned to school. He had an incident there and was defiant to school staff. These are not behaviors we ever saw in him before his Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) this fall, when his brain was deprived of oxygen due to his heart stopping.

    So hard to know what is going on with him. He is erratic and impulsive, says and does the first thing coming to his mind. He appears to have a new girlfriend who goes to the same alternative school with him, and his incident involved her.

    We still do not know if his manic phase was temporary. The doctors say it will be about a month more until they can say with any confidence that the episode was a side effect of his antidepressant. The alternative to that conclusion would be that he is in fact bipolar, which would in a sense be good news because we can treat it, but once he is an adult, we will have no control over whether or not he takes his medications.

    The school is displaying infinite patience - for now. YS has not earned a serious consequence to date but if he continues on his path it is just a matter of time before he is suspended or perhaps transferred to another program.

    I will suggest that wife and ex husband consider taking him to a neurologist.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Could his upgraded behavior be due to his head injury or the oxygen deprivation?
  16. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    We really don't know SOT, it is definitely possible. He needs an in-depth neurological evaluation, which believe it or not still has not happened.
  17. JRC

    JRC Active Member

    Wow. I hope his brain is continuing to heal. This situation is heartbreaking all around. ((hugs))
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    When my adult daughter was in the ICU, a little over a year ago, she had seizures, and was not sent to a neurologist. We had to make the arrangements ourselves. I was surprised.
  19. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    How long do they estimate YS was anoxic for? An assesssment is definitely warranted. I am so sorry the agony continues. I worked in Neurosurgery and trauma for a number of years. It was always so difficult to see patients with behavioural changes. Many times the inhibition centre was knocked out and this lead to impulsive and irradic behaviour that was shocking to family members. In time for some it improved and for others it remained and people learn how to manage to adjust.
    I truly hope things settle down soon for YS and all of you.
  20. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    When YS coded he was already in the PICU and their team immediately began CPR, which saved his life not to mention prevented far more serious brain and organ damage. CPR continued for a good twenty minutes until they set him up on an external heart pacer. His body suffered lower than normal O2 levels for some time.

    He is up and down, but seems more stable this week. We did hear from school staff that other students are talking about YS threatening suicide, and one of his classmates actually independently told their own social worker about their concern for his safety.

    It seems inevitable we will lose him this way eventually. I hope that I am wrong. I am practicing detachment and focusing on my own issues. Not sure where my meditations will lead me, if anywhere, but it feels like the right place to be.