St Patrick’s Day

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
Hope everyone had a very nice day today. For me today is my daughter’s birthday she turned 32. I woke up this morning trying to shake her loose out of my mind. Thoughts of does she know what day it is in jail? Thoughts of last year buying her an ice cream cake and gifts for the new car she had just bought. How much difference a year makes, I laid in bed and cried. No cake for her this year, her new car has been repossessed, her license suspended for non payment of car insurance. My son says, why do you care so much after all she has done to you?!? For the most part I am much better today than when she first went into jail Nov 2023 but, I did carry her for 9 months and did give birth to her……how am I just to forget this day? It’s different for me than him. All decisions she made when she left our home a year ago. Words from that day of her leaving echo in my mind…..”much better living out of my car than with you 2!” Her Dad telling her as she packed up her stuff, “you don’t have to do this, you don’t have to move out.” We already knew what was going to happen when she is out on her own. There is a post of mine I found last night from 2017 where she told me jail at that time was a blessing as she was going to stick a needle in her arm. Reading that post made me remember things I had forgotten and pictured myself of the turmoil I had while writing it. I read through the replies yet again and wondered where recoveringenabler is? I pray she is well. 🙏 Even the cute little chihuahua I used as my photo passed away last year. So much pain in one years time where your whole life falls apart.
 
Hope everyone had a very nice day today. For me today is my daughter’s birthday she turned 32. I woke up this morning trying to shake her loose out of my mind.
Hi Newlife,

I find mornings are the hardest when I am facing any type of grief. Mornings and the middle of the night. I think we are always at our weakest when we first wake up and then there are those mornings on special days where we just can't get past it and it feels like there is a grey cloud over the day. I'm so sorry you had to feel like this today. My heart goes out to you. It's as though we are in jail - a mental jail over this.

It's hard to be in a festive St. Patty's Day mood when you are thinking and grieving these things from the past (and the present).

While it doesn't feel good doing the right thing for our kids, we all know that everything that we've done so far hasn't helped. And why is it that if we don't give a lifeline, will the world fall apart? I know life will go on one day when I am gone, but why does it have to suck the life out of me while I am here?

Did you ever see that gameshow from many years ago called, "The Weakest Link"? There was a British woman I believe who would tell the loser of the game show, "You ARE the weakest link"!!! Well, the last few days I keep imagining her telling ME that because I AM the weakest link and my son knows it. And he has used it against me and manipulated me worse than anyone in the world.

One thing that I've noticed has come true though that many on this board told me would happen - he is sober and sounds more like himself. Today he was having some mental health struggles (I could tell). It is always so scary when that happens. I think I hope that the mental issues will just magically go away. He didn't have them growing up and they slowly blossomed with marijuana use - why can't they as suddenly leave?

For your daughter's birthday, I wish you strength, rest, a clear head, and peace. I will remember you in my prayers.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
For your daughter's birthday, I wish you strength, rest, a clear head, and peace. I will remember you in my prayers.
I echo these words. They are beautiful. And just what we need.

I am so sorry you are suffering. I suffer too. But I try to catch myself, and sometimes I can avoid falling into the pit. So much of what you describe with your daughter sounds related to addiction. Addiction takes over a personality. Addiction eclipses the person you raised. Addiction speaks. I am not saying there aren't other factors, how could I?

But it is as if your child has been hijacked. In so many ways we would be so much better if we could remember that. And to try to not take it personally, to the same degree. Of course, we take it personally. How could we not? But we are not seen by our children as whole people. They see us in terms of their own needs. They deflect their self-blame and self-hatred onto us. You see what I mean? We end up catching all these rotten eggs, that we don't deserve. Why accept them? We have a choice.
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
Hi Newlife,

I find mornings are the hardest when I am facing any type of grief. Mornings and the middle of the night. I think we are always at our weakest when we first wake up and then there are those mornings on special days where we just can't get past it and it feels like there is a grey cloud over the day. I'm so sorry you had to feel like this today. My heart goes out to you. It's as though we are in jail - a mental jail over this.

It's hard to be in a festive St. Patty's Day mood when you are thinking and grieving these things from the past (and the present).

While it doesn't feel good doing the right thing for our kids, we all know that everything that we've done so far hasn't helped. And why is it that if we don't give a lifeline, will the world fall apart? I know life will go on one day when I am gone, but why does it have to suck the life out of me while I am here?

Did you ever see that gameshow from many years ago called, "The Weakest Link"? There was a British woman I believe who would tell the loser of the game show, "You ARE the weakest link"!!! Well, the last few days I keep imagining her telling ME that because I AM the weakest link and my son knows it. And he has used it against me and manipulated me worse than anyone in the world.

One thing that I've noticed has come true though that many on this board told me would happen - he is sober and sounds more like himself. Today he was having some mental health struggles (I could tell). It is always so scary when that happens. I think I hope that the mental issues will just magically go away. He didn't have them growing up and they slowly blossomed with marijuana use - why can't they as suddenly leave?

For your daughter's birthday, I wish you strength, rest, a clear head, and peace. I will remember you in my prayers.
Good morning, thank you. 😊 I do feel if I am in a mental jail as having my own issues mentally makes it that much harder to get out of these feelings some days. You hit the nail on the head about sucking the life out of you but also, my memories are not so great. After typing this message had a huge cry and my husband came out….what’s wrong? I remembered her birthday last year with sweet memories, my husband made me remember she appreciated nothing I did for her that day. Once I too remembered, became so mad! My mind is a master at pushing unpleasant memories far away and never bring them out again….since I was a child. 😢

I pray for all of our children and hope that your son has more good days than bad. Mental illness is such a horrible thing to deal with on both sides. We may be the weakest link but it’s comforting as we have the biggest hearts as well.

Big hugs! ❤️
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
I echo these words. They are beautiful. And just what we need.

I am so sorry you are suffering. I suffer too. But I try to catch myself, and sometimes I can avoid falling into the pit. So much of what you describe with your daughter sounds related to addiction. Addiction takes over a personality. Addiction eclipses the person you raised. Addiction speaks. I am not saying there aren't other factors, how could I?

But it is as if your child has been hijacked. In so many ways we would be so much better if we could remember that. And to try to not take it personally, to the same degree. Of course, we take it personally. How could we not? But we are not seen by our children as whole people. They see us in terms of their own needs. They deflect their self-blame and self-hatred onto us. You see what I mean? We end up catching all these rotten eggs, that we don't deserve. Why accept them? We have a choice.
Good morning and thank you! You put this so well about being hijacked, I definitely feel that. Being taken on an emotional roller coaster and wanting to get off but, the ride controller does not see my cries for help in stopping the ride. My daughter especially only sees us her parents, for money - place to live - taking her here and there. She helped us not one bit while she lived with us, no gratitude. It is this I must think of in weak moments the person she really is.

I am continuing it with my son as well. He said we will make plans soon to get together and does not follow through. Yesterday I was making plans for a BBQ. Hubby and I talked and said NO! If he is not going to put forth the effort, we will no longer be the ones to make him feel he has to come over. If you don’t want to be in our lives willingly, then your not going to be.

Big hugs! ❤️
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
wanting to get off but, the ride controller does not see my cries for help in stopping the ride.
You are the ride conductor.
Hubby and I talked and said NO! If he is not going to put forth the effort
Your husband is a good role model. He understands that he can decide whether or not to get on the roller coaster.
All we need to understand and accept is that we have free choice. It is a muscle that we can or cannot exercise and utilize. And then choose based on our own welfare and the greater good of our family. Your focus is still on your daughter. How about putting your focus on your feelings and needs?
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
You are the ride conductor.

Your husband is a good role model. He understands that he can decide whether or not to get on the roller coaster.
All we need to understand and accept is that we have free choice. It is a muscle that we can or cannot exercise and utilize. And then choose based on our own welfare and the greater good of our family. Your focus is still on your daughter. How about putting your focus on your feelings and needs?
I definitely agree Copa, thank you. ❤️ Focus should be on me. I have to start and retrain my way of thinking, so many years of being the “go to” person that I bet we all have been. My being the classic enabler I find joy when others need me but, hurt comes right back when it’s not reciprocated. I had the very best Mom but….oh goodness she taught me to have the same enabling and fears as she had. Bless her heart I thought she was just really into her family, I see it all so clearly now.

Big hugs! ❤️
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Newlife,
Ahhhh birthdays and holidays are hard times to get through for us Moms. How well I know the heartache.
Thoughts of does she know what day it is in jail? Thoughts of last year buying her an ice cream cake and gifts for the new car she had just bought. How much difference a year makes, I laid in bed and cried.
I’m sure she knows what day it is. Hopefully she is receiving help. There are routines set up in prison. My daughter ended up the last stint on the work line because it gave her something to do and a small monetary compensation in her account. I’m so sorry for your sadness, but I do believe it’s important to process those feelings, otherwise it just affects our health to try to bottle it up. I hope you feel a bit better after having a good cry.
My son says, why do you care so much after all she has done to you?!? For the most part I am much better today than when she first went into jail Nov 2023 but, I did carry her for 9 months and did give birth to her……how am I just to forget this day? It’s different for me than him.
My twos’ siblings are much the same as your son. They are able to detach themselves from the drama. It is different for us Moms. We have to work harder to let go. Letting go is not a straight line. Especially when it is new to us. When we are deep in the thick of trying everything to rescue and help our wayward kids, it becomes a bizarre cycle. When we were raising them as young children, we learned to put our own needs on the side to take care of them. When they became teenagers and made poor choices, it set off alarms and we did everything in our power to correct their course. It’s no wonder that we stay on that course when they become adults. We love them, the self sacrificing we practiced while they were growing up, literally turns into sacrificing ourselves, our time, our finances, the peace in our homes, as if we could save them by doing so. It is a hard cycle to break. Not impossible, but it takes work and learning to love ourselves enough to see the reality of the situation and change. Change ourselves that is, and our response to each new “crisis.” We have no control over what our adult children choose.
Words from that day of her leaving echo in my mind…..”much better living out of my car than with you 2!” Her Dad telling her as she packed up her stuff, “you don’t have to do this, you don’t have to move out.” We already knew what was going to happen when she is out on her own.
I’ve heard hateful things from my two in the past. Not so much anymore. I think it’s because they know I’m done blaming myself.
But it is as if your child has been hijacked. In so many ways we would be so much better if we could remember that. And to try to not take it personally, to the same degree. Of course, we take it personally. How could we not? But we are not seen by our children as whole people. They see us in terms of their own needs. They deflect their self-blame and self-hatred onto us. You see what I mean? We end up catching all these rotten eggs, that we don't deserve. Why accept them? We have a choice.
This is spot on. Thank you Copa. A good reminder for all of us.
You are the ride conductor.
Yes. I compare this “ride” to being captains of our own ship. Our children as adults have their ship to captain. When they continually make bad choices, they are sailing into a storm of consequences. We do not have to follow them into the storm. It does no good for them, or us.
All we need to understand and accept is that we have free choice. It is a muscle that we can or cannot exercise and utilize.
Yes. Our adult children have free choice as well. How they exercise that free choice is their decision.
And then choose based on our own welfare and the greater good of our family.
Yes.
Your focus is still on your daughter. How about putting your focus on your feelings and needs?
Newlife, you have already begun to take the reins back in your life by setting boundaries and following through. The hard part with that, are the emotions we go through taking those first steps. It is a grieving process. It’s not that we miss the drama and chaos, it’s that our lives were so caught up, for a long time in trying to fix things. It feels foreign to let go. Like we have given up. We have not, we still have hope for our wayward kids, we have given in to the notion that we have any say on how they will live their own lives.
Focus should be on me. I have to start and retrain my way of thinking, so many years of being the “go to” person that I bet we all have been. My being the classic enabler
Yes. Focus should be on you. That is not selfish, it is essential to our health and well-being.
I find joy when others need me but, hurt comes right back when it’s not reciprocated. I had the very best Mom but….oh goodness she taught me to have the same enabling and fears as she had. Bless her heart I thought she was just really into her family, I see it all so clearly now.
We definitely have learned behaviors from our parents. One thing that happened while I was new to letting go and pulling back from my twos drama, was taking a deep dive into my childhood. It was and is a lot of inner work to try to understand myself and my reactions to my situation. Heck, I’m still trying to find myself.
My daughter especially only sees us her parents, for money - place to live - taking her here and there. She helped us not one bit while she lived with us, no gratitude. It is this I must think of in weak moments the person she really is.

I am continuing it with my son as well. He said we will make plans soon to get together and does not follow through. Yesterday I was making plans for a BBQ. Hubby and I talked and said NO! If he is not going to put forth the effort, we will no longer be the ones to make him feel he has to come over. If you don’t want to be in our lives willingly, then your not going to be.
Our daughters are in there somewhere. The people they are when using, are not recognizable. We can still love them, but understand that as long as they are using drugs, or not taking care of their mental health, we are targets. It’s sad, but true. One quote that helps me is “What you allow, will continue.”
We don’t have to wear the bullseye t-shirt and be victimized by our adult kids. I know you wrote that there are limited resources in your area, your daughter, if she truly wants help, can relocate. You and your husband should not be her lifeline. She obviously does not respect or appreciate your effort.
As for your son, he will do as he chooses. Your husband is right. Why should you both bend over backwards try to get him to spend time with you? Goodness, my Mom is 90 and my brother has neglected calling her, moved three hours away to be closer to his children. Times have changed where families used to get together. It’s sad.
I know you have valid fears over when your daughter is released from prison. For me, when my Tornado is locked up, I’m relieved. I can leave my house without worrying that she will show up. Since your daughter is there, you have a bit of reprieve from worrying what may happen. Can you and your hubs take time to get away together? Even if it is for a date night, or a “staycation”. Girl, it’s way past time for you to focus on you and your relationship with your husband. My late hubs fought illness in the middle of all the crazy stuff happening with my two. We were not able to enjoy what I now know, were our last years together. Between fretting over our two, working and raising their younger siblings, the years flew by and unfortunately, hubs succumbed after battling sepsis for the third time. I thought that losing their dad might wake my two up, it did not.
We have so little precious time on this earth. Hubs and I wasted a good many years trying to rescue two adult children who wanted to “ride the gravy train” and remain as is. They wanted their cake and eat it too, and anything else they could grab. But the saddest loss, was the time spent on focusing on something we had no control over, hence, we became door mats to the whims and choices of our grown children.
I wish I could go back and do things differently. All I can do is share my story in hopes it helps others avoid the mistakes we made.
Your life, your relationship, your time is precious. Step outside the box, do something epic!
Hugs
New Leaf
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
That is an awesome post New Leaf! And your experience I know does help others.

You are amazing to our board.
Thank you.
Love,
LMS
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I find joy when others need me but, hurt comes right back when it’s not reciprocated. I had the very best Mom but….oh goodness she taught me to have the same enabling and fears as she had. Bless her heart I thought she was just really into her family, I see it all so clearly now.
I believe your mother WAS really into her family. That concept of love was based upon self-denial. That doesn't mean it wasn't love.
Step outside the box, do something epic!
I second this. Step outside of the box! We can factor in self-love even if it wasn't modeled. Real self-love is not selfish. It is putting oneself in the equation. Don't our families deserve this? Don't we?

When I began to make changes for real, it was when I began to dissociate when I was around my son. I just checked out. I did not remember. There was just blankness. I realized right then that that was a bridge too far. I had already given up so much. To give up an identity? That's like dying inside. The awareness that I would kill off my consciousness was too much. Too scary.
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
Hi Newlife,
Ahhhh birthdays and holidays are hard times to get through for us Moms. How well I know the heartache.

I’m sure she knows what day it is. Hopefully she is receiving help. There are routines set up in prison. My daughter ended up the last stint on the work line because it gave her something to do and a small monetary compensation in her account. I’m so sorry for your sadness, but I do believe it’s important to process those feelings, otherwise it just affects our health to try to bottle it up. I hope you feel a bit better after having a good cry.

My twos’ siblings are much the same as your son. They are able to detach themselves from the drama. It is different for us Moms. We have to work harder to let go. Letting go is not a straight line. Especially when it is new to us. When we are deep in the thick of trying everything to rescue and help our wayward kids, it becomes a bizarre cycle. When we were raising them as young children, we learned to put our own needs on the side to take care of them. When they became teenagers and made poor choices, it set off alarms and we did everything in our power to correct their course. It’s no wonder that we stay on that course when they become adults. We love them, the self sacrificing we practiced while they were growing up, literally turns into sacrificing ourselves, our time, our finances, the peace in our homes, as if we could save them by doing so. It is a hard cycle to break. Not impossible, but it takes work and learning to love ourselves enough to see the reality of the situation and change. Change ourselves that is, and our response to each new “crisis.” We have no control over what our adult children choose.

I’ve heard hateful things from my two in the past. Not so much anymore. I think it’s because they know I’m done blaming myself.

This is spot on. Thank you Copa. A good reminder for all of us.

Yes. I compare this “ride” to being captains of our own ship. Our children as adults have their ship to captain. When they continually make bad choices, they are sailing into a storm of consequences. We do not have to follow them into the storm. It does no good for them, or us.

Yes. Our adult children have free choice as well. How they exercise that free choice is their decision.

Yes.

Newlife, you have already begun to take the reins back in your life by setting boundaries and following through. The hard part with that, are the emotions we go through taking those first steps. It is a grieving process. It’s not that we miss the drama and chaos, it’s that our lives were so caught up, for a long time in trying to fix things. It feels foreign to let go. Like we have given up. We have not, we still have hope for our wayward kids, we have given in to the notion that we have any say on how they will live their own lives.

Yes. Focus should be on you. That is not selfish, it is essential to our health and well-being.

We definitely have learned behaviors from our parents. One thing that happened while I was new to letting go and pulling back from my twos drama, was taking a deep dive into my childhood. It was and is a lot of inner work to try to understand myself and my reactions to my situation. Heck, I’m still trying to find myself.

Our daughters are in there somewhere. The people they are when using, are not recognizable. We can still love them, but understand that as long as they are using drugs, or not taking care of their mental health, we are targets. It’s sad, but true. One quote that helps me is “What you allow, will continue.”
We don’t have to wear the bullseye t-shirt and be victimized by our adult kids. I know you wrote that there are limited resources in your area, your daughter, if she truly wants help, can relocate. You and your husband should not be her lifeline. She obviously does not respect or appreciate your effort.
As for your son, he will do as he chooses. Your husband is right. Why should you both bend over backwards try to get him to spend time with you? Goodness, my Mom is 90 and my brother has neglected calling her, moved three hours away to be closer to his children. Times have changed where families used to get together. It’s sad.
I know you have valid fears over when your daughter is released from prison. For me, when my Tornado is locked up, I’m relieved. I can leave my house without worrying that she will show up. Since your daughter is there, you have a bit of reprieve from worrying what may happen. Can you and your hubs take time to get away together? Even if it is for a date night, or a “staycation”. Girl, it’s way past time for you to focus on you and your relationship with your husband. My late hubs fought illness in the middle of all the crazy stuff happening with my two. We were not able to enjoy what I now know, were our last years together. Between fretting over our two, working and raising their younger siblings, the years flew by and unfortunately, hubs succumbed after battling sepsis for the third time. I thought that losing their dad might wake my two up, it did not.
We have so little precious time on this earth. Hubs and I wasted a good many years trying to rescue two adult children who wanted to “ride the gravy train” and remain as is. They wanted their cake and eat it too, and anything else they could grab. But the saddest loss, was the time spent on focusing on something we had no control over, hence, we became door mats to the whims and choices of our grown children.
I wish I could go back and do things differently. All I can do is share my story in hopes it helps others avoid the mistakes we made.
Your life, your relationship, your time is precious. Step outside the box, do something epic!
Hugs
New Leaf
Thank you very much! I wish as you do that we could go back and do things differently. I wonder though had we done so if we would be at the same point today? For me I have to go through it and learn I think, what a hard way to do so though. 🤣

Husband works full time and is going to college full time as well. We have about a year or so left until he is free of the computer and keyboard. 😊 We do try to take time out for us, we watch a lot of movies and eat unhealthy foods that are not on my diet. We take one day during the weekend and do this then back to broccoli on Monday. 😂

Yesterday was the culmination of her birthday and not seeing/talking to her in a years time. I guess it’s definitely a good start to being stronger once she gets out of jail, we really need to do this….absolute final thing we can do as we all have done so here, nothing has worked.

I definitely love your idea of stepping out of the box, will try and do more of that. I have a balance problem, can be mildly dizzy or severe….every single day. Use a walker to help me get around so I don’t fall. Have fears of going strange places/distance so these things keep me from really enjoying life. I do go out of my comfort zone a lot and find out was not as bad as I thought.

Big hugs! ❤️
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
I believe your mother WAS really into her family. That concept of love was based upon self-denial. That doesn't mean it wasn't love.

I second this. Step outside of the box! We can factor in self-love even if it wasn't modeled. Real self-love is not selfish. It is putting oneself in the equation. Don't our families deserve this? Don't we?

When I began to make changes for real, it was when I began to dissociate when I was around my son. I just checked out. I did not remember. There was just blankness. I realized right then that that was a bridge too far. I had already given up so much. To give up an identity? That's like dying inside. The awareness that I would kill off my consciousness was too much. Too scary.
You’re absolutely right! It’s a difficult thing to start as we have conditioned ourselves all those years. Definitely a different person when my daughter was around, I understand what your saying about the blankness around your son. Getting older now has made me hyper aware of wasting what time I may have left, God willing it’s many more years.

Big hugs! ❤️
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Dear Copa,
I’m glad you did not lose yourself. I too think I lost myself when I had the psychotic breakdown and found out I had bipolar disorder. This after a year of panic attacks that would take me to the floor crying hysterically. And then of course all the previous years of severe depression.

I lived for my children. They were my soul purpose for being on this earth. When my sons started using drugs I took it very personally. As though I had ultimately failed as a mother and a person. I was dying inside as you say.

I thought it was my responsibility to save my sons. Just as most of us here understand.
I actually thought I could. If only I listened to them harder, gave them enough love attention money provision. As long as I met all their wants and needs they would somehow turn out okay.

I was wrong.

I lost a son within a year after I finally put up a boundary. Telling him don’t call me for 6 months. Get your life together. Get sober and off drugs. I love you. Goodbye

But then when 6 months was up he still wasn’t any better and I resorted to my former self thinking I could save him. I was so close to getting him back home when he died.

I really believe now that God almighty intervened and had had enough. That it was time for my son to be called to his real home. And for me to be given a break.

Sad isn’t it. Sad that what I have now is a break from the reality that once was. But I am no longer living for my son. Now I am living for myself and my grandchildren. Their prospects are better since they are not involved with drugs and likely never will be after all they’ve suffered because of their parent’s use of drugs.

My son’s story is over. I feel like I am getting a new lease on my life. Maybe I learned some things along the way. And like New Leaf and Copa maybe I can share what I’ve learned and it may benefit a fellow desperate parent out here.

Hugs and love,
LMS
 

ANewLife4Me

Active Member
I just want to cry massive tears and give the biggest, warmest hugs to us all! ❤️ Our stories are very heartbreaking and the strength, courage, restraint, lots of love - tears we all have faced. We still are a work in progress but, we face this together and try and find a better way, a future for us. 🥰
 
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