15-year old son crashing and burning - unlurking

[Frazzledmom]

Hi everyone, I've been a lurker on this list for many years. Until about two months ago I always felt that I was "lucky" enough to have only moderate behavior issues with my son (15) rather than the severe ones I read about on this list. (Although I now realize that I may have been in denial about the seriousness of the behaviors.) It was silly because I guess I never felt like I could give back enough to you warrior parents although I have learned so much from you over the years. Here's my story, as short as I can make it.

"Skater" was adopted at birth, I was there. From the time he was born he was challenging, didn't sleep until he was six or so. He was a very happy guy and reached all milestones at the appropriate times. It was the rages that were tough. Middle of the night, during the day, always at home, very violent and angry. He was evaluated in the third grade (neuropsychologist) and they really came up with nothing other than anxiety but we always lived on eggshells waiting for the next rage. Thank goodness for Ross Greene. His last one was when he was 12, the summer between 6th grade and middle school. Based on what I had learned on this list, it was violent enough, and he threatened to hurt himself that we had him transported to the hospital by the police. They really did nothing but that seemed to stop the rages - he hasn't had one since. He made it through middle school and his first year of high school. He plays trumpet, got good grades and had great success in x-country running last year. His passion is skateboarding. His peer group has always been high achievers, he is well-liked and has many friends.

All this began to change last summer. As he became more independent he resisted any efforts from us to know where he was and who he was with. If we've done anything wrong, it's probably that we've been far too lenient - as we've avoided the rages we've also avoided control. Our therapist agrees that there's not much else we could have done but still... Anyway, this summer he left home for three days. He would tell you that he was out on his own, proving that he could do it but in reality he stayed with very nice families. Moms took care of him, fed him and bought him toothbrushes. It was the beginning of an identity crisis for him I think, he is Hispanic and we live in a very white, rural community. It began to come out that he doesn't feel at all part of our family. We have been very open about his adoption but I will say that he has never said a "feeling" word in his life so we were never able to explore that part of his life much. He has never asked questions about his birthfamily although we would have been happy to tell him. We had a bit of a breakthrough with him after three days away and he came home.

He started off the 10th grade well and continued that way until the end of October although he didn't run x-country this year. He's always wanted to be a professional skateboarder and that wish has intensified and is really ruling his life right now. Beginning in Nov. he decided that "he wasn't a school kid" and he was done with school. He is angry that we won't send him to an online high school in CA for skateboarders and has done little work. He is failing most subjects. He is planning to drop out of school next year. In reality, he is a very good skater but he has not quite proven himself in that world. He has placed 4th in one competition in VT. (Out of 15 skaters.) We have told him that if he stays in school and lives at home he can go to another competition in FL in April and that's where we are.

His dad and I are hanging on by our fingernails, barely. Our therapist is wonderful for us but there really have been no changes to his behavior, he won't go to therapy. He is emotionally abusive to his brother (the little guy is overweight and Skater is relentless) and he feels he is responsible to no one but himself. The night before Thanksgiving he threatened to run away again, we thought he did and called the police, he returned when they were here. Not pretty.

He walks a fine line. Most of the time he is where he is supposed to be and is pathologically honest about telling us where and what he is doing. Tonight, we offered to really focus on his skating and bring him an hour to an indoor skate park at least four times a week if he would work on his grades. His response was that he didn't want us to waste the gas. It ended with him taking his bike to ride eight miles into town to a movie in 20 degree weather. We have told him that to live here he needs to either get a job or stay in school. He is completely unrealistic about what life will be like without our support. This whole thing has taken a toll on my health and we all feel like we're living in a war zone. My heart is breaking but I am beginning to feel like drastic natural consequences have to happen and we need to let them. It's very possible that drugs are involved but he has no money and so far, we haven't caught him and frankly we're not sure what we'd do.

Thanks for reading. There is so much more to say but I will stop and save more for later. I will try to respond as much as I can. I am hoping that your wisdom will help me stay sane but will also help to figure out steps we can take to not feel like we are being held hostage by a 15 year old. Here's hoping that we all get through this in one piece. I am glad you are all here. -Lynn

 

[KTMom91]

Welcome to the board, Lynn. I found, with Miss KT, that natural consequences were the ONLY thing that worked, and the more painful, the better. Otherwise she didn't catch a clue. She still has holes in her bedroom walls that I refuse to fix. She has no bedroom door because she tore it off the hinges and threw it at me about 5 years ago. She failed one semester of Biology, and had to make it up the next year, requiring her to take Zero period PE. A semester of scampering around a cold and foggy field at 6:30 am cured her of failing anything else.

 

[Frazzledmom]

Thanks for replying. The problem with Skater is that he's been incredibly lucky. He is charming to a fault and good looking. We rarely have rescued him because he hasn't needed it. I'm worried that this will be his first big lesson and I don't know if he has the skills to climb back out...or if he has the courage to face his mistakes. It is SO HARD to let them fall and although I realize there is not much I can do it's so hard not to wonder if you've done absolutely everything. I really do believe that natural consequences are the only way he'll learn...it's the waiting that is tearing me apart. How do you do it?

 

[BusynMember]

Hi and welcome to the board. If you've been reading, you probably know that I adopted four kids and that one got into drugs. We had no idea she was doing drugs and we couldn't prove it until she was busted for pot (and in actuality she was doing MUCH more than pot). Within the first paragraph I thought "drugs." I believe you need to assume that this likely is going on. Drastic changes tend to be drug-related in teens.

I do have a few questions to ask you that can help us help you.

1/What do you know about the psychiatric history of his birthparents? Is there a history of psychiatric disorders or substance abuse of any kind? Did his birthmother use drugs or drink during her pregnancy? If you don't know, can you find out?

2/Have you considered an evaluation now that he is older? Will he comply?

3/Would you be willing to drug test him?

4/Have his friends changed of late?

I did adopt one child who did not feel a part of our family and no longer sees us and he is Chinese, however we adopted him at age six. My other adopted kids are all close to us and they are different ethnicities. Two are African-American. But all k ids are different. Have you ever taken him to anybody who specializes in adopted kids and their issues? We found that helpful. Regular therapists didn't seem to know that much about adoption issues. Does he ever say he loves you?

Lastly, how was his early development. You say he met his milestones on time and can socialize well. Any quirks?

 

[ThreeShadows]

Hi, Lynn! I also lurked here for a couple of years while we lived in rural Maine. Our difficult children are also adopted and look "some dark" as compared to us, they are part Passamaquoddy. I also suspected drugs as I was reading your story. The skaters at our high school were stoners and in such small communities a kid doesn't need money to find drugs. We looked for signs, other than behavioral changes, and missed them. I would have him do a urine test if I were you.

We found it impossible to keep our sons safe from drugs in our community. difficult child 2 started to run away at age 16 when his "friends" told him we have too many rules and they would show him how to become legally emancipated. I called the police and was told "it is not our job to bring your son home". He could run away and we would be responsible for all his actions until he was 18! I still shake when I think about how helpless I felt.

Are you aware that the age of consent in Maine is 14?

Hang in there and please keep posting. I marvel that you found a therapist who knows adoption issues.

 

[flutterby]

Welcome to the board! I'm glad you've come out of lurkdom, though am sorry you have had to.

I really do believe that natural consequences are the only way he'll learn...it's the waiting that is tearing me apart. How do you do it?

A moment at a time, and lots of practice.

For our kids, it often takes a while for them to actually realize the natural consequences because they are so busy "being right" and knowing more than anyone else.

Last night, my difficult child 2 announced that his priority right now is not going back to school or even getting his GED; his priority is to get a job and bring in some money. I tried to tell him that he doesn't have much of a chance of getting a job without a diploma or GED, but he wasn't hearing it. He's 18 with a 9th grade education, but what do I know?

It seems our kids have to learn the hard way, and it often takes a few smacks upside the head by life for them to get it at all.

 

[toughlovin]

Your story sounds so familiar and similar in some ways to mine. I too immediately wondered about drug use... and maybe that is because that is an issue for us. I agree with others though, the fact that he has no money and that you haven't caught him or seen clear signs does not mean much. I thought I was pretty savvy about drug use and it took us a while to catch on too. One suggestion is to take him to the doctor for a check up with your concerns and his failing grades. They will probably drug test him and then will give you a clue. That is how we found out about our sons drug use.... pot stays in your system for a month so if he is smoking pot it will probably find it.

The adoption issues are also familiar. We also adopted our son as a baby. He does not have the difference in looks issue, in fact his friends often didn't believe him when he told them he was adopted. However I do think some of his issues relate to how he feels about himself and being adopted. I don't know why this is true, we have also been open and honest about it all the way along. His therapist here really thought a lot of his issues were adoption related.

I definitely think therapy is needed.... and you may need to give him some carrot to at least go once and try it. The key is finding a good therapist who works with adolescents that can connect with him. We had this issue with our easy child daughter. Because of all the stress we had been through with our son we felt she needed to see someone.... first session she absolutely did not want to go and was very mad at me for making her go. The therapist was great and she has been going willingly ever since... now of course she is a easy child and so is a different story anyways. My son did have a therapist he liked, and that helped but ultimately did not solve his issues. He is now in drug rehab (he is 19) and the therapy there is intensive and some stuff is coming up that has never come up before which is good.

I do think you need to let natural consequences take their course. It is really hard to do. Our natural instincts is to protect our children but sometimes doing so just prolongs the inevitable. My son ended up spending 2 weeks in jail and then learned he really did not want to do that. But he does have a felony on his record now.... however it did get him to voluntarily go to rehab.

Good luck.

 

[DaisyFace]

Hello and welcome!

A lot of what you write sounds so familiar...

And isn't it interesting that we consider ourselves "lucky" that our difficult child is only this or that? It's amazing what one can get used to as "normal"!

You wrote that your difficult child does not feel he is a part of your family. This may not be due to race or adoption or anything - it may be due to your child's grandiose thinking. My darling daughter claims that I must not be her "real" Mom and she is pretty sure there is a good possibility that we are not related at all, and that's why she doesn't "fit in" with the rest of the family. And then she will go on to speculate about how great her "real" Mom might be.

To which I, as the bio Mom, have the option of saying "Yes, perhaps you were switched at birth. Let's go find my REAL baby - I'll bet she's just gorgeous!"

Like your son, she will spend days and days with other families because she feels she "fits in" there...

but it's all a fantasy. She thinks she is the next big singing star....and is just waiting to be "discovered". But she doesn't want to deal with the reality of singing lessons or learning to read music or anything.

So school is completely unimportant because she's got it all figured out...

So I hear ya! I have no answers, but I hear ya!

Welcome to our group...

 

[Frazzledmom]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I reluctantly agree about the drug use. He is hanging around with seniors and is very proud of this fact. They are not in trouble with the law and are for the most part headed to college or working but I definitely realize that doesn't make them immune to drug use. I have questions about drug testing but I'll ask those on the teen forum.

Midwestmom, to answer your questions. We met both birthparents and, as far as we know they were incredibly drug free and healthy. He was relinquished because of the family responsibilities his birthmother had...he has uncle's that were in a great deal of trouble so that might be a clue but his birthmother was basically trying to hold it all together. Birthdad was responsible as well and would have kept Skater if birthmom had agreed.

I definitely would consider another evaluation but getting him to comply is another story. We've found a therapist in the community who would work with him and be good I think. We've offered him $10/hour to go (and he REALLY wants more money) but he is unwilling. Does anyone have any other ideas? Our own therapist (we travel an hour to see her because of the adoption experience) has said don't push it.

I'd also definitely be willing to drug test him but the last time we were at the doctors for an injury he walked out because they kept him waiting. I don't think we're getting him back there anytime soon.

Other than the rages, his early development was good. He's physically gifted and can do anything he trys, the first time. Outside the family his social skills are wonderful. He's polite and outgoing. He had a girlfriend for almost a year and a half - she was brilliant, responsible and very anti-drug, was I sad to see her go! If there's anything quirky it's that he's very emotionally immature but looks very physically mature for his age. I've always felt that he's a few years behind.

The thing that has us held hostage are these running away threats. I think he is volatile enough to do it. Thanksgiving Eve was a huge blowup (although we don't yell in our house, just simmer!) and I was up all night convinced that he was going to make good on his promise to leave in the morning and "hitchhike south". "I'm an adult now, I can do it on my own." If I was sure he would just run to friends houses I think it would be easier to let him go but to just go and hitchike south in Maine in winter? That just stops me in my tracks. The downside is that he is really wrecking our family life and my husband and I are feeling like doormats.

ThreeShadows you said that the age of consent in Maine is 14. What does that mean?

Thanks again for your support and advice. I look forward to getting to know all of you! -Lynn

 

[ThreeShadows]

Lynn, the age of consent means that your 14 y.o. child can have sex with anyone who is 18 and younger. You have no say in the matter. Our difficult child 2 was sleeping with an unmedicated, bipolar, drug using 14 y.o. runaway. She had been sexually active since the age of 12 and they both lived off and on in a car and on people's couches. When he hit 18 I thought we could get him to come to his senses, so I went to the school ressource officer to discuss statutory rape. He brought out a book of Maine laws and showed me how powerless we really were. He said"Mrs. X, I can't tell you how many times I have seen that look of shock and grief on the face of a mother!".

 

[BusynMember]

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. Just an observation. You seem pretty lenient with your son. You PAY him $10 hr. to see a therapist? Sorry, that's in my opinion a very bad idea. Does he ever get punished? Do you ever take away his skateboard or electronics? Do you often give him a lot of money when he doesn't earn it? I don't think that's the way to go if that's how it is. JMO I would let him know that if he ever runs away you will call the police to find him and that, whether or not the age of consent is 14, in YOUR house it's after he leaves...and you will ground him from skating if he doesn't listen. And I'd try to do it.
My oldest daughter got into a lot of trouble as a teen, but even she didn't hang around with seniors at age fourteen. I'd stop that NOW.

 

[ThreeShadows]

MWM, in the state of Maine a parent's hands are tied by the laws. I think that the laws are very lenient toward teens due to the abundance of child abuse cases. A pediatrician told me he had never seen so many cases in his career. That's why my difficult child's friends convinced him to attempt emancipation. I felt like a hostage there. I had rules and boundaries which were not enforced by the laws. I really feel for this mom!

Our counselor TOLD us to pay the boys for doing their own laundry, $1 to wash it, $1 to dry it!!! Their shrink TOLD me that I HAD to let them get their License "because it was part of their maturation process"!!!

 

[Frazzledmom]

Yes, I would agree we're very lenient with him. Between the violence and the rages we're pretty trained. I admit, maybe we should have done it all differently but when you're restraining in the middle of the night for two hours at a time it trains you in not so good ways I think. Yes, we did offer to pay him to go to therapy...only because it was the only hope of ever getting him to go and even that didn't work. We feel like it would be his job to go to therapy like it was our job to go to work. It's a slippery slope I know. Punative punishments have never worked with him and if we did take away his skateboard I know he'd leave for sure (after he did MAJOR damage) and it seems like a crazy way to push him out of the house. Ugh...I really don't know. We never give him large sums of money and he receives virtually no allowance. (Ok...here goes....we pay him for his grades and I swear that's the one reason he's been an honor roll student until now.) Right now he has $5 in his bank account. The upside is that he's pretty savy with money. Grounding him would never work, I know that, he'd just leave. We have called the police when he's run away...they don't do anything and in fact, one officer said NOT to call because they couldn't do anything and it just gives difficult child more power. We've done things very differently with him...many, many people have disagreed with us but many professionals and our current therapist have all said we've done it right. It's either worked really well and he could be in a much worse place or we've done it all wrong. Time will tell I guess. I've got to check my signature but he's fifteen and a sophomore. In a small school of less than 200 kids, it's not at all unusual for sophomores to hang around with seniors. Not perfect, but not unusual. Thanks for your comments, they are good for me to read.

 

[susiestar]

Welcome!! It is nice to meet you!!

Have you done a Parent Report? It likely isn't needed to work with school/docs, but it might help you see the big picture that is your difficult child. There is a link in my sig to the thread that outlines the Parent Report - I kept having to look it up for myself, lol!

I URGE you to get a copy of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. It stresses using natural and logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. in my opinion the L&L people are amazing and incredibly helpful!! The book will help you find ways to do what you feel is important.

Parenting a difficult child is tough. It simply cannot be done the way we parent other kids. I am always shocked at how easy it is to parent my pcs, even though they each have their own problems. I can ask either one to do almost anything and not have problems other than some normal kid forgetfulness. My difficult child hasn't lived iwth us for almost 5 years and I STILL cannot get him to do anything. Of course I don't try anymore - it isn't worth it to me.

If you decide to drug test, be VERY careful about the lab that does it. It is better to get a kit at the drugstore and send it off to a lab that just does drug testing than to have it done at the doctor's office. Drug tests are VERY misleading and if the lab doesn't do a LOT of them then they will be highly likely to come up with false positives. I had a bad reaction a couple of years ago and ended up in the hospital out unaware of anything for a couple of days. I was taking an antiseizure medication to help prevent migraines and deal with nerve pain, as well as taking pain medications (supervised by an excellent pain doctor, of course). I had a week long migraine right after the flu and not having the medication in my system for so long set up a VERY long, bad withdrawal process that NO ONE warned us about. The hospital did a drug test because they didn't know what was going on. It showed a LOT of things that I have NEVER taken in any form. My pain doctor explained the tests they did and why they are NOT reliable. Heck, my primary doctor did tests with her lab a few months later and they showed me taking one medication that I was NOT on. The nurse insisted I was buying it off the street, and that another medication was NOT one I was rx'd. Turns out that both of these substances are what the medications I was on break down into. I was just on a form that is used because it has less side effects and is longer acting so youdon't get any "high" from it.

Having had these test results, and being the kind of person who will NOT take ANYTHING with-o asking the doctor or pharmacist about it and having a doctor who could explain to me AND to my family doctor why the results showed what they did, I will NOT trust ANY drug test not done by a lab that specializes in them. My doctor completely trusts me, and was able to explain to me why the tests got the results they got. He could have treated the problem that landed me in the hospital if they had just called him, but I landed with the ONE doctor at the hospital who refuses to contact ANY patients other docs and who HATES women (and the doctor IS a woman!!).

So if you want to drug test him, get the most complete kit you can find at the drugstore and mail it off. If he won't comply with the test, remove everything he likes.

You may not know this, but you are NOT required to give him all the luxuries he likely has. You are required to give him a bed (mattress on the floor is fine), a blanket and pillow, clothing (7 outfits, 1 pr shoes, they do NOT have to be what he likes. Foster kids get fifty bucks twice a year for clothing and they go to thrift stores to get their clothes - that is ALL that is required. YOU can pick them out AND refuse to replace anything he destroys deliberately.), food that is nutritios - again it does NOT have to be what he likes.

This is what he MUST have. Oh, some type of light in his room - can be shared with other kids. EVERYTHING above this list is a LUXURY that you can REMOVE. Drivers' license is NOT required. It is a PRIVILEGE that should ONLY be given if he is MATURE enough in other parts of his life. If his grades are bad and his behavior is not what you want, DON"T let him have his license. IF he flunks something, he is old enough that it should be HIS problem.

I think the Love and Logic book will be a huge help to you. I know it has been a godsend to us. (I like it so much that I give it to new parents and I went to one of their one day conferences! It is still the ONLY parenting book that ever helped my husband and I work together as parents!)

OH, on the subject of drugs, does he take a lot of cold medicine? Around here it is called "skittling" and the kids take massive amounts of cough suppressant (dextromethorphan, labelled DM on many packages( to get high. Many drug tests don't show it, it is available OTC and is as dangerous as it is popular. Lots of kids don't think it is a problem because it is sold in stores. Check your son's room and if you find packages you will likely need to speak with the doctor and school about it. It is a huge problem in many middle, junior and high schools. Lots of parents are unaware of the dangers.

FYI - it is YOUR home and you have the RIGHT to go through ANY of your son's things. Period. As a minor he does not legally own ANYTHING. He is too young to be able to enter into a contract and thus is too young to own anything. I would go through his room to look for signs of drug use if you have ANY suspicions. My kids know that I reserve the right to look through ANYTHING on my property. My difficult child tried the "it is mine so you cannot look through it". We actually had a cop tell him that if he was her kid he not only wouldn't have stuff, she would beat his tushie on a daily basis for his attitude alone. Though every state is different, it is still YOUR home, YOUR property, YOUR car and YOUR stuff. Period. If he thinks he has the right to keep you out of his stuff, then he has the right to PAY for a storage unit to keep it in. I would be nice and box it up for him - heck, I would pick a storage unit FAR away and get him a little unit. If he wants to keep the stuff he could PAY for the unit and PAY me to take him there. You have a responsibility to keep him safe, and that means going through his stuff if you suspect he has contraband, esp if it could hurt him the way drugs can.

 

[BusynMember]

MWM, in the state of Maine a parent's hands are tied by the laws. I think that the laws are very lenient toward teens due to the abundance of child abuse cases. A pediatrician told me he had never seen so many cases in his career. That's why my difficult child's friends convinced him to attempt emancipation. I felt like a hostage there. I had rules and boundaries which were not enforced by the laws. I really feel for this mom!

Our counselor TOLD us to pay the boys for doing their own laundry, $1 to wash it, $1 to dry it!!! Their shrink TOLD me that I HAD to let them get their License

"because it was part of their maturation process"!!!

Well, I think many social workers and therapists are also too lenient and in my opinion it doesn't work with difficult children to do that. I personally would probably go to somebody else if I had been told that. I don't give my kids money to do chores...they just know it's part of being in our family. Even difficult child drug abusing daughter got no money...in fact, because she did drugs and smoked cigarettes, she got NO money from us to help finance her use of things that were bad for her. At 16, she got a job and that helped her work ethic as she got older and stopped using drugs.
If my daughter had said she wanted to be emancipated at fourteen, after laughing I would have told her to go ahead. Few kids can really financially take care of themselves that young. I refuse to let my kids hold me hostage that way. I don't think my daughter would have ever quit her destructive lifestyle if she had not been taken in hand and given tough love and strong values.

She is now twenty-six, off drugs for several years, a non-smoker, and is almost finishing college while also working full time. She bought a house with her long time boyfriend. I don't think she would have strived to do well if we had paid her to do the things that all kids do. It's not that I don't feel for her...I do...but I just think leniency is a bad way to go, especially with kids who have problems. They, more than most k ids, need to know you're in charge and that you will at least try everything to keep them safe from themselves. Again though...jmo.

 

[ThreeShadows]

mainemom207

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This is a post I found on line about leaving home before the age of majority in Maine and this is why I felt like such a hostage in my own home. I apologize for the large printing, I don't know how to bring it down:

Yes you can. I know this is an old post but take it from a Stepmom and the child's natural mother that found out the hard way that once our daughter also 17 years old ran away from home with a high school freind who is 18 years of age, and female, not male, they ran away to her home. After we brought her home from school to restrict her from anymore contact with this individual who is instigating all this and starting all this from the get go. And has our daughter in her clutches.. we wanted her to stay home with us until she is 18 years old, may 24th she will be.
We called the Police for a pick up of her and they told us from the ages of 14-17 years of age, there is nothing they can do unless they walk in and there is drugs, alcoholism and/or violence being conducted in that home right then and there. There is not a thing they can do about bringing her home.
So take it from a parent who knows this.
You can also be 15-17 years of age and legally drop out of high school.
You can also be emancipated from your parents as long as you show you are working and living on your own and doing fine from ages 15 -17 years of age.
Parents have no rights at all.
Not in Maine.
Take it from someone who found out the hard way.
I am currently trying to do something about it in the Legislation to change this law. Because let's get real. Who in Maine is going to hire an underaged child to work for them?
No one not in today's market. My daughter's idea of work right now is to go to a convenience store and work.
I just don't get it I really don't.

 

[DammitJanet]

Susie is right.

I had one of those kids who wasnt easy to control at all. He didnt do groundings. I was never able to just tell him "you're grounded. Stay in your room." He simply wouldnt comply. I had to leave the house sometime or sleep sometime, and then he left. I had to find more "unique" consequences.

Now one thing I didnt debate on was therapy, doctors or medications. It was a given. You did it or your life stopped. Mine never pushed me on that because I think they just knew I wasnt going to be moved on it.

I actually dont disagree with paying for grades and think I may have instituted a paycheck for my son if I had it to do over because he does so much better when working for pay. Something I have learned since he is an adult. He may have behaved better if he had been paid to behave better...who knows.

I do think you should attempt to not let him keep you so enmeshed but I know its hard. I am so enmeshed with my son...or was. It has taken me forever to loosen those ties.

 

[Frazzledmom]

Thanks to all of you for the great insight. You all seem so courageous. Is anyone selling courage these days?? -Lynn

 

[ThreeShadows]

No, but I lost my magic wand.

Private message me if you need to.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

I want to add that I am doing the tough love and letting natural consequences do their work right now. It's hard. REAL hard. But if it doesn't work for her, at least the rest of us in the house are not suffering as well. My honest opinion, let him leave. Let him run away. Several teens try the "running away" thing. My difficult child did it several times. She always came crawling back. Even now that she is supposedly "on he rown", she keeps wanting to come over to "visit". If you always prevent him from leaving, he will always want to leave.