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15-year old son crashing and burning - unlurking
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 395491" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>Welcome!! It is nice to meet you!!</p><p> </p><p>Have you done a Parent Report? It likely isn't needed to work with school/docs, but it might help you see the big picture that is your difficult child. There is a link in my sig to the thread that outlines the Parent Report - I kept having to look it up for myself, lol!</p><p> </p><p>I URGE you to get a copy of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. It stresses using natural and logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. in my opinion the L&L people are amazing and incredibly helpful!! The book will help you find ways to do what you feel is important.</p><p> </p><p>Parenting a difficult child is tough. It simply cannot be done the way we parent other kids. I am always shocked at how easy it is to parent my pcs, even though they each have their own problems. I can ask either one to do almost anything and not have problems other than some normal kid forgetfulness. My difficult child hasn't lived iwth us for almost 5 years and I STILL cannot get him to do anything. Of course I don't try anymore - it isn't worth it to me. </p><p> </p><p>If you decide to drug test, be VERY careful about the lab that does it. It is better to get a kit at the drugstore and send it off to a lab that just does drug testing than to have it done at the doctor's office. Drug tests are VERY misleading and if the lab doesn't do a LOT of them then they will be highly likely to come up with false positives. I had a bad reaction a couple of years ago and ended up in the hospital out unaware of anything for a couple of days. I was taking an antiseizure medication to help prevent migraines and deal with nerve pain, as well as taking pain medications (supervised by an excellent pain doctor, of course). I had a week long migraine right after the flu and not having the medication in my system for so long set up a VERY long, bad withdrawal process that NO ONE warned us about. The hospital did a drug test because they didn't know what was going on. It showed a LOT of things that I have NEVER taken in any form. My pain doctor explained the tests they did and why they are NOT reliable. Heck, my primary doctor did tests with her lab a few months later and they showed me taking one medication that I was NOT on. The nurse insisted I was buying it off the street, and that another medication was NOT one I was rx'd. Turns out that both of these substances are what the medications I was on break down into. I was just on a form that is used because it has less side effects and is longer acting so youdon't get any "high" from it. </p><p> </p><p>Having had these test results, and being the kind of person who will NOT take ANYTHING with-o asking the doctor or pharmacist about it and having a doctor who could explain to me AND to my family doctor why the results showed what they did, I will NOT trust ANY drug test not done by a lab that specializes in them. My doctor completely trusts me, and was able to explain to me why the tests got the results they got. He could have treated the problem that landed me in the hospital if they had just called him, but I landed with the ONE doctor at the hospital who refuses to contact ANY patients other docs and who HATES women (and the doctor IS a woman!!). </p><p> </p><p>So if you want to drug test him, get the most complete kit you can find at the drugstore and mail it off. If he won't comply with the test, remove everything he likes. </p><p> </p><p>You may not know this, but you are NOT required to give him all the luxuries he likely has. You are required to give him a bed (mattress on the floor is fine), a blanket and pillow, clothing (7 outfits, 1 pr shoes, they do NOT have to be what he likes. Foster kids get fifty bucks twice a year for clothing and they go to thrift stores to get their clothes - that is ALL that is required. YOU can pick them out AND refuse to replace anything he destroys deliberately.), food that is nutritios - again it does NOT have to be what he likes. </p><p> </p><p>This is what he MUST have. Oh, some type of light in his room - can be shared with other kids. EVERYTHING above this list is a LUXURY that you can REMOVE. Drivers' license is NOT required. It is a PRIVILEGE that should ONLY be given if he is MATURE enough in other parts of his life. If his grades are bad and his behavior is not what you want, DON"T let him have his license. IF he flunks something, he is old enough that it should be HIS problem. </p><p> </p><p>I think the Love and Logic book will be a huge help to you. I know it has been a godsend to us. (I like it so much that I give it to new parents and I went to one of their one day conferences! It is still the ONLY parenting book that ever helped my husband and I work together as parents!)</p><p> </p><p>OH, on the subject of drugs, does he take a lot of cold medicine? Around here it is called "skittling" and the kids take massive amounts of cough suppressant (dextromethorphan, labelled DM on many packages( to get high. Many drug tests don't show it, it is available OTC and is as dangerous as it is popular. Lots of kids don't think it is a problem because it is sold in stores. Check your son's room and if you find packages you will likely need to speak with the doctor and school about it. It is a huge problem in many middle, junior and high schools. Lots of parents are unaware of the dangers. </p><p> </p><p>FYI - it is YOUR home and you have the RIGHT to go through ANY of your son's things. Period. As a minor he does not legally own ANYTHING. He is too young to be able to enter into a contract and thus is too young to own anything. I would go through his room to look for signs of drug use if you have ANY suspicions. My kids know that I reserve the right to look through ANYTHING on my property. My difficult child tried the "it is mine so you cannot look through it". We actually had a cop tell him that if he was her kid he not only wouldn't have stuff, she would beat his tushie on a daily basis for his attitude alone. Though every state is different, it is still YOUR home, YOUR property, YOUR car and YOUR stuff. Period. If he thinks he has the right to keep you out of his stuff, then he has the right to PAY for a storage unit to keep it in. I would be nice and box it up for him - heck, I would pick a storage unit FAR away and get him a little unit. If he wants to keep the stuff he could PAY for the unit and PAY me to take him there. You have a responsibility to keep him safe, and that means going through his stuff if you suspect he has contraband, esp if it could hurt him the way drugs can.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 395491, member: 1233"] Welcome!! It is nice to meet you!! Have you done a Parent Report? It likely isn't needed to work with school/docs, but it might help you see the big picture that is your difficult child. There is a link in my sig to the thread that outlines the Parent Report - I kept having to look it up for myself, lol! I URGE you to get a copy of Parenting Teens with Love and Logic. It stresses using natural and logical consequences while strengthening the loving bond between parent and child. in my opinion the L&L people are amazing and incredibly helpful!! The book will help you find ways to do what you feel is important. Parenting a difficult child is tough. It simply cannot be done the way we parent other kids. I am always shocked at how easy it is to parent my pcs, even though they each have their own problems. I can ask either one to do almost anything and not have problems other than some normal kid forgetfulness. My difficult child hasn't lived iwth us for almost 5 years and I STILL cannot get him to do anything. Of course I don't try anymore - it isn't worth it to me. If you decide to drug test, be VERY careful about the lab that does it. It is better to get a kit at the drugstore and send it off to a lab that just does drug testing than to have it done at the doctor's office. Drug tests are VERY misleading and if the lab doesn't do a LOT of them then they will be highly likely to come up with false positives. I had a bad reaction a couple of years ago and ended up in the hospital out unaware of anything for a couple of days. I was taking an antiseizure medication to help prevent migraines and deal with nerve pain, as well as taking pain medications (supervised by an excellent pain doctor, of course). I had a week long migraine right after the flu and not having the medication in my system for so long set up a VERY long, bad withdrawal process that NO ONE warned us about. The hospital did a drug test because they didn't know what was going on. It showed a LOT of things that I have NEVER taken in any form. My pain doctor explained the tests they did and why they are NOT reliable. Heck, my primary doctor did tests with her lab a few months later and they showed me taking one medication that I was NOT on. The nurse insisted I was buying it off the street, and that another medication was NOT one I was rx'd. Turns out that both of these substances are what the medications I was on break down into. I was just on a form that is used because it has less side effects and is longer acting so youdon't get any "high" from it. Having had these test results, and being the kind of person who will NOT take ANYTHING with-o asking the doctor or pharmacist about it and having a doctor who could explain to me AND to my family doctor why the results showed what they did, I will NOT trust ANY drug test not done by a lab that specializes in them. My doctor completely trusts me, and was able to explain to me why the tests got the results they got. He could have treated the problem that landed me in the hospital if they had just called him, but I landed with the ONE doctor at the hospital who refuses to contact ANY patients other docs and who HATES women (and the doctor IS a woman!!). So if you want to drug test him, get the most complete kit you can find at the drugstore and mail it off. If he won't comply with the test, remove everything he likes. You may not know this, but you are NOT required to give him all the luxuries he likely has. You are required to give him a bed (mattress on the floor is fine), a blanket and pillow, clothing (7 outfits, 1 pr shoes, they do NOT have to be what he likes. Foster kids get fifty bucks twice a year for clothing and they go to thrift stores to get their clothes - that is ALL that is required. YOU can pick them out AND refuse to replace anything he destroys deliberately.), food that is nutritios - again it does NOT have to be what he likes. This is what he MUST have. Oh, some type of light in his room - can be shared with other kids. EVERYTHING above this list is a LUXURY that you can REMOVE. Drivers' license is NOT required. It is a PRIVILEGE that should ONLY be given if he is MATURE enough in other parts of his life. If his grades are bad and his behavior is not what you want, DON"T let him have his license. IF he flunks something, he is old enough that it should be HIS problem. I think the Love and Logic book will be a huge help to you. I know it has been a godsend to us. (I like it so much that I give it to new parents and I went to one of their one day conferences! It is still the ONLY parenting book that ever helped my husband and I work together as parents!) OH, on the subject of drugs, does he take a lot of cold medicine? Around here it is called "skittling" and the kids take massive amounts of cough suppressant (dextromethorphan, labelled DM on many packages( to get high. Many drug tests don't show it, it is available OTC and is as dangerous as it is popular. Lots of kids don't think it is a problem because it is sold in stores. Check your son's room and if you find packages you will likely need to speak with the doctor and school about it. It is a huge problem in many middle, junior and high schools. Lots of parents are unaware of the dangers. FYI - it is YOUR home and you have the RIGHT to go through ANY of your son's things. Period. As a minor he does not legally own ANYTHING. He is too young to be able to enter into a contract and thus is too young to own anything. I would go through his room to look for signs of drug use if you have ANY suspicions. My kids know that I reserve the right to look through ANYTHING on my property. My difficult child tried the "it is mine so you cannot look through it". We actually had a cop tell him that if he was her kid he not only wouldn't have stuff, she would beat his tushie on a daily basis for his attitude alone. Though every state is different, it is still YOUR home, YOUR property, YOUR car and YOUR stuff. Period. If he thinks he has the right to keep you out of his stuff, then he has the right to PAY for a storage unit to keep it in. I would be nice and box it up for him - heck, I would pick a storage unit FAR away and get him a little unit. If he wants to keep the stuff he could PAY for the unit and PAY me to take him there. You have a responsibility to keep him safe, and that means going through his stuff if you suspect he has contraband, esp if it could hurt him the way drugs can. [/QUOTE]
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