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Substance Abuse
20 yr.old pothead...angry husband...2 seperate issues
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 630655" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>WM, I understand that you have had a horrible time and the sexual abuse was traumatic. We had that in our house too. It was not as bad as a father doing it...it was an older child we adopted...but he did it under our noses and the kids were six years younger so he was charged, even though he was only thirteen, and found guilty. Husband and I wanted nothing to do with him at all after that and we had to heal from that experience, and we did everything we could to get the appropriate help for children who are sexually abused. Meanwhile, my older daughter, the one who once used drugs, had been raped at age eight at a friend's house and never told anyone until she was fourteen. My kids also went through a divorce. Things were not all roses for us either. I have shared this story many times, mostly for parents like you who think that have experienced trauma gives your adult child a free pass to treat you and everyone else like dirt and to waste his life. He can decide to do better than that and overcome it. Have you ever read "A Child Called It?" by David Pelzer. Abuse doesn't even start to explain what he went through yet he is an upstanding young man who uses his past abuse to help foster children and other troubled kids. It does not have to make one a vile person. Read all three of his books. They are amazing.</p><p></p><p>I also want other parents to know this happens in many homes, sadly. One in four children are sexually abused. Also very sadly, children are usually too afraid of the abuser to tell anyone it is going on...the abuser will say he'll kill the child and his family and the child is so afraid of him, he will believe it. So many parents don't even know if a child is abused...very sad situation.</p><p></p><p></p><p>One in four chidlren do not become drug addicts who abuse their own parents and go to jail. There are other ways to deal with it. My daughter started the drug route too, but sh e quit and is now very grounded. The two youngest got lots of help early on and are doing really well. Neither of them ever touched drugs; they don't drink or smoke either. I do not know if you utilized intensive services after you found out about your daughter, but that did help. However, my oldest did not get any help because she didn't tell us about it. When asked why, she said, "I was ashamed." Kids think it's their faults. She sought help when she was older. Your son and daughter can do the same. </p><p></p><p>You need to move into the present time and deal with your adult children as they behave now. It's really too bad about their father, but you didn't know he was doing it and it wasn't your fault. You can not change the past nor predict the future and many people who were sexually abused for years and years live good lives, don't abuse drugs, and treat their loved ones who did not abuse them with the respect they deserved.</p><p></p><p>WM, even if you divorce your husband tomorrow, your son will be the same. If you had never met your husband, your son would have still turned to drugs and it is likely more than pot. You loved your husband enough to make a baby with him, which complicates things a lot. Have YOU ever been in therapy alone, just for YOU? If not, why not? I think you sound very unhappy and mixed up and have that crazy feeling...(been there/done that) and you NEED therapy. You need to talk about everything with an impartial stranger with a degree in psychology who can guide you in how to cope with your feelings and issues and help you come to a good decision about all the people that you love. It is not a trip you can take alone. Don't try. It's too hard. We try to help, but you seem to need more than just us, in my opinion, which is just as a layperson.</p><p></p><p>As long as you feel badly about yourself, as if you deliberately ruined your children's lives, which is NOT TRUE, and that your husband and the father of your daughter is a bad guy (maybe he is, but it's another problem to talk about), you can not get anywhere in your own life and those who live with you will know the stress. Your two year old will know. In my opinion, you should seek professional help for yourself because you are worth it, but if you don't believe yet that you are worth it, then get that help for the two year old daughter who is growing up with thickness and tension in the air and yelling and a brother who is disrespectful and a father you fight with and who fights with you. Don't make her grow up thinking that because your son messed up, she has to be your everything either. That happens too and it's not good for the other child. She needs to just be a normal kid in a normal (whatever that is) home. She needs stability. Stop the madness.</p><p></p><p>Get help. Call tomorrow.</p><p></p><p>Hugs and hope to hear you made an appointment! Now try to have a serene night. You don't have to think about these issues all the time.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 630655, member: 1550"] WM, I understand that you have had a horrible time and the sexual abuse was traumatic. We had that in our house too. It was not as bad as a father doing it...it was an older child we adopted...but he did it under our noses and the kids were six years younger so he was charged, even though he was only thirteen, and found guilty. Husband and I wanted nothing to do with him at all after that and we had to heal from that experience, and we did everything we could to get the appropriate help for children who are sexually abused. Meanwhile, my older daughter, the one who once used drugs, had been raped at age eight at a friend's house and never told anyone until she was fourteen. My kids also went through a divorce. Things were not all roses for us either. I have shared this story many times, mostly for parents like you who think that have experienced trauma gives your adult child a free pass to treat you and everyone else like dirt and to waste his life. He can decide to do better than that and overcome it. Have you ever read "A Child Called It?" by David Pelzer. Abuse doesn't even start to explain what he went through yet he is an upstanding young man who uses his past abuse to help foster children and other troubled kids. It does not have to make one a vile person. Read all three of his books. They are amazing. I also want other parents to know this happens in many homes, sadly. One in four children are sexually abused. Also very sadly, children are usually too afraid of the abuser to tell anyone it is going on...the abuser will say he'll kill the child and his family and the child is so afraid of him, he will believe it. So many parents don't even know if a child is abused...very sad situation. One in four chidlren do not become drug addicts who abuse their own parents and go to jail. There are other ways to deal with it. My daughter started the drug route too, but sh e quit and is now very grounded. The two youngest got lots of help early on and are doing really well. Neither of them ever touched drugs; they don't drink or smoke either. I do not know if you utilized intensive services after you found out about your daughter, but that did help. However, my oldest did not get any help because she didn't tell us about it. When asked why, she said, "I was ashamed." Kids think it's their faults. She sought help when she was older. Your son and daughter can do the same. You need to move into the present time and deal with your adult children as they behave now. It's really too bad about their father, but you didn't know he was doing it and it wasn't your fault. You can not change the past nor predict the future and many people who were sexually abused for years and years live good lives, don't abuse drugs, and treat their loved ones who did not abuse them with the respect they deserved. WM, even if you divorce your husband tomorrow, your son will be the same. If you had never met your husband, your son would have still turned to drugs and it is likely more than pot. You loved your husband enough to make a baby with him, which complicates things a lot. Have YOU ever been in therapy alone, just for YOU? If not, why not? I think you sound very unhappy and mixed up and have that crazy feeling...(been there/done that) and you NEED therapy. You need to talk about everything with an impartial stranger with a degree in psychology who can guide you in how to cope with your feelings and issues and help you come to a good decision about all the people that you love. It is not a trip you can take alone. Don't try. It's too hard. We try to help, but you seem to need more than just us, in my opinion, which is just as a layperson. As long as you feel badly about yourself, as if you deliberately ruined your children's lives, which is NOT TRUE, and that your husband and the father of your daughter is a bad guy (maybe he is, but it's another problem to talk about), you can not get anywhere in your own life and those who live with you will know the stress. Your two year old will know. In my opinion, you should seek professional help for yourself because you are worth it, but if you don't believe yet that you are worth it, then get that help for the two year old daughter who is growing up with thickness and tension in the air and yelling and a brother who is disrespectful and a father you fight with and who fights with you. Don't make her grow up thinking that because your son messed up, she has to be your everything either. That happens too and it's not good for the other child. She needs to just be a normal kid in a normal (whatever that is) home. She needs stability. Stop the madness. Get help. Call tomorrow. Hugs and hope to hear you made an appointment! Now try to have a serene night. You don't have to think about these issues all the time. [/QUOTE]
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