Hi Mary and welcome,
What you are describing is pretty much what I've feared with my 19dd. Our involvement in keeping her on track or at least pointing her in the right direction has both made my daughter get back on track and also made her run in the opposite direction. I sometimes think without our help she'd end up in her car or worse. And then other times I think with our help she'd end up in her car or worse. We're damned if we do and damned if we don't, you know what I mean? My daughter takes two steps forward and one step back. It has been ongoing. She currently lives at home and started school in Sept. She is holding on and seems happy. I personally think she could use some medication to help with her bad moods, but she's chosen to go medication-free and we're supporting her in that choice = for now.
So, onto your daughter. I hope you don't mind, but I have some questions for you.
My first question is how much about the way your daughter lives her life is bothering HER? Is she bothered that her car is a wreck and her apt is a mess? What would happen if you and your H stopped 'helping' her? Would she lose her apt? Would she lose her car? Has she expressed any interest whatsoever in seeking a job with enough hours to support herself so you don't have to? Does she feel in any way beholden to you for helping her each month?
It seems to me that she has all the perks of living at home (getting your financial support) without having to live at home...living in her own apt while taking your support enables her to live her life the way she wants without being responsible for herself...she is not learning to prioritize her life, job, future, money, etc. Have you discussed this with her? If so, what is her response? Does she tell you to butt out or does is she humbled so she can continue to receive your help? If she fell flat on her face, do you believe she would be able to pick herself up and get a fresh start? Would she know where to begin without your help?
Is she open to seeing a DR about her depression? Does she abuse drugs or alcohol? I think that if she is open to seeing a DR, it would at the very least help her to put into perspective how she feels about herself and her life. The not knowing is what would drive me nuts. You sound as if you do not have a very high opinion of mental health doctors - could that be part of what's holding her back from seeking help for herself?
It is difficult to say what would be the right approach with your daughter as we don't have a full story or history, etc. I want to offer you gentle hugs - I know how difficult it is to post anywhere about something that is so heavy on your heart. Please come back and let us know more info.