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Substance Abuse
25 year old and 30 year old boys still at home.
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<blockquote data-quote="Signorina" data-source="post: 521420"><p>Michael, my heart broke when I read your post. Welcome to the board, but I am so sorry you needed to find us. </p><p></p><p>I realize that you know in your head that you need to remove your elder son from your home, but that the loving father inside of you can't bear the thought of him living on the street. You see your younger son living a clean life yet having no respect for you as parents and as homeowners. You wonder how a man - YOU - with such good intentions who worked hard to raise his sons well ended up where you are today. You were the father you wish you had and your kids don't acknowledge it and it didn't make them turn out well. I think all of us here understand that frustration. You parents treated you miserably and now your kids are taking over where they left off.</p><p></p><p>My husband and I were raised in volatile households and vowed our home would be peaceful. And it is most of the time. However, in our efforts to keep the peace, we have often placated situations - especially with our difficult child (difficult child is a board term for our difficult child - aka a"gift from god'). I thought we were doing the wise thing...until I ended up posting a similar plea for help on my 1st visit here in August. What I've since learned, is that by placating our situation AND my 19 yo son(difficult child), I handed him the control. Peace is nice - but not peace at any price...and both my h and I were paying the price. The more we placated, the more entitled and less respectful he became. Sure, common sense tells us he should have been grateful and appreciative - but just the opposite happened. I don't know why. But that's the way it goes.</p><p></p><p>My guess is that you know your older son needs to be OUT. But you're not ready. That's OK. Posting here is a good first step. Changing the behaviors (yours not his) of 30 years isn't an overnight thing. It's like eating an elephant; do it one bite at a time. I do not attend Al Anon, but many board members do and they find it very valuable. I think with your history of parents who were addicts and now a son who is an addict -- you will find great comfort and lots of help in Al Anon or a similar program. So please take that second step!</p><p></p><p>You are 54 years old and with the woman you love. Life is too short to live with people who are abusive and out of control. I would work first on getting your 30 year old son out and then on your younger son. My guess is that your younger son mimics his brother's disrespectful behavior because he can. Your older son is setting the tone for your household and it is really time you regained control. <em><strong>Not just of your home but of your life!</strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em>So many of us here had to take a stand with our adult children and ask them to leave. Not a single one of us did it easily or without tears and without regret. We all wish it could be different and making our kids leave was an incredible, wrenching heartbreak. Yet, one by one we have all noticed that our homes are now free of the day by day, minute by minute havoc and tension that our difficult child's created. I hate having my difficult child gone, but I hated having him here even more. The fantasy of a respectful, adult child sharing our home with us is just a fantasy. I couldn't make that happen no matter how hard I tried! Eventually, I had to let him go. He wouldn't change; so I had to.</p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p><p><em><strong>Again, welcome to the board.</strong></em></p><p><em><strong></strong></em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Signorina, post: 521420"] Michael, my heart broke when I read your post. Welcome to the board, but I am so sorry you needed to find us. I realize that you know in your head that you need to remove your elder son from your home, but that the loving father inside of you can't bear the thought of him living on the street. You see your younger son living a clean life yet having no respect for you as parents and as homeowners. You wonder how a man - YOU - with such good intentions who worked hard to raise his sons well ended up where you are today. You were the father you wish you had and your kids don't acknowledge it and it didn't make them turn out well. I think all of us here understand that frustration. You parents treated you miserably and now your kids are taking over where they left off. My husband and I were raised in volatile households and vowed our home would be peaceful. And it is most of the time. However, in our efforts to keep the peace, we have often placated situations - especially with our difficult child (difficult child is a board term for our difficult child - aka a"gift from god'). I thought we were doing the wise thing...until I ended up posting a similar plea for help on my 1st visit here in August. What I've since learned, is that by placating our situation AND my 19 yo son(difficult child), I handed him the control. Peace is nice - but not peace at any price...and both my h and I were paying the price. The more we placated, the more entitled and less respectful he became. Sure, common sense tells us he should have been grateful and appreciative - but just the opposite happened. I don't know why. But that's the way it goes. My guess is that you know your older son needs to be OUT. But you're not ready. That's OK. Posting here is a good first step. Changing the behaviors (yours not his) of 30 years isn't an overnight thing. It's like eating an elephant; do it one bite at a time. I do not attend Al Anon, but many board members do and they find it very valuable. I think with your history of parents who were addicts and now a son who is an addict -- you will find great comfort and lots of help in Al Anon or a similar program. So please take that second step! You are 54 years old and with the woman you love. Life is too short to live with people who are abusive and out of control. I would work first on getting your 30 year old son out and then on your younger son. My guess is that your younger son mimics his brother's disrespectful behavior because he can. Your older son is setting the tone for your household and it is really time you regained control. [I][B]Not just of your home but of your life! [/B][/I]So many of us here had to take a stand with our adult children and ask them to leave. Not a single one of us did it easily or without tears and without regret. We all wish it could be different and making our kids leave was an incredible, wrenching heartbreak. Yet, one by one we have all noticed that our homes are now free of the day by day, minute by minute havoc and tension that our difficult child's created. I hate having my difficult child gone, but I hated having him here even more. The fantasy of a respectful, adult child sharing our home with us is just a fantasy. I couldn't make that happen no matter how hard I tried! Eventually, I had to let him go. He wouldn't change; so I had to. [I][B] Again, welcome to the board. [/B][/I] [/QUOTE]
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25 year old and 30 year old boys still at home.
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