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Substance Abuse
25 year old and 30 year old boys still at home.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 521669" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good morning Michael.</p><p>I am glad you found us and very, very sorry for what is going on in your life. I think you've gotten some wonderful advice from the remarkable warrior parents who inhabit this site, I know they came to my aid when I needed it most. Sometimes we all just get stuck someplace and need others to let us know what is really going on and give us options to change it. Keep posting and really try to get yourself and your wife some support, either in a group as others have mentioned, Alanon or CoDa, or therapy to help you understand the issues you're facing and to get tools to help you to change it. </p><p></p><p>I understand from a personal standpoint how difficult life is when you begin it with parents who are alcoholic and/or mentally ill. I am the oldest of 5 with parents who were not able to be effective parents because of their mental illnesses. Two out of four of my siblings inherited the illness as did my daughter. It has been a very long road for me. How I raised my daughter given my upbringing was to try to do the opposite, and what I did was I enabled her. It's taken me a long time to understand all of it, but suffice to say, I had to learn to disengage, detach and make some really difficult choices, as I think many of us on this site have had to do. </p><p></p><p>My difficult child (gift from God, as we call our kids here) is 39 and thankfully does not live with me. Your sons, as others have said, need to be on their own. It is <u><strong>absolutely not okay</strong></u> for them to abuse you, disrespect you and allow you to support them. This is not right. You cannot change them but you can change your own choices and learn to set strict boundaries so that you can be free to live the life you deserve to live. For me, as someone who grew up in a similar way, it is easy to "get used to" and adapt to a horrible situation because you lived it as a kid and it's familiar. You need to know that you can and should find a way to shift this situation so that you are free from this burden and free from the tyranny of your sons choices and lifestyle. <strong>You do not deserve this and you have the power to change it.</strong> <em>AND, you may need help to do it</em>. For me? That help came with therapy, folks trained to see what the issues are, educated to know how to help to heal them and give you tools to change it. Others here have their opinions as to solutions for you, which are equally as valid and helpful. Read through the options here, read books, use your gut feelings to choose the road best suited for you and your wife and then <u><em>go for it.</em></u> Our children do not have a right to hurt us and as someone else has said, hold us hostage in our own homes. It is time to let them go into their own lives.</p><p></p><p>Please seek out help Michael. Take it from someone who has lived in the h-ll you speak about, you <u>can</u> change it, you <u>can</u> make it different, you <u>can </u>feel good about yourself and you <u>can</u> be happy. One step at a time. We are all here with you, <em>you are not alone. </em>You have a whole tribe of parents here who know how you feel. We're circling the wagons around you so that you can take a deep breath, be open to the help that's there for you, and proceed with new tools to set you free. God bless you...............</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 521669, member: 13542"] Good morning Michael. I am glad you found us and very, very sorry for what is going on in your life. I think you've gotten some wonderful advice from the remarkable warrior parents who inhabit this site, I know they came to my aid when I needed it most. Sometimes we all just get stuck someplace and need others to let us know what is really going on and give us options to change it. Keep posting and really try to get yourself and your wife some support, either in a group as others have mentioned, Alanon or CoDa, or therapy to help you understand the issues you're facing and to get tools to help you to change it. I understand from a personal standpoint how difficult life is when you begin it with parents who are alcoholic and/or mentally ill. I am the oldest of 5 with parents who were not able to be effective parents because of their mental illnesses. Two out of four of my siblings inherited the illness as did my daughter. It has been a very long road for me. How I raised my daughter given my upbringing was to try to do the opposite, and what I did was I enabled her. It's taken me a long time to understand all of it, but suffice to say, I had to learn to disengage, detach and make some really difficult choices, as I think many of us on this site have had to do. My difficult child (gift from God, as we call our kids here) is 39 and thankfully does not live with me. Your sons, as others have said, need to be on their own. It is [U][B]absolutely not okay[/B][/U] for them to abuse you, disrespect you and allow you to support them. This is not right. You cannot change them but you can change your own choices and learn to set strict boundaries so that you can be free to live the life you deserve to live. For me, as someone who grew up in a similar way, it is easy to "get used to" and adapt to a horrible situation because you lived it as a kid and it's familiar. You need to know that you can and should find a way to shift this situation so that you are free from this burden and free from the tyranny of your sons choices and lifestyle. [B]You do not deserve this and you have the power to change it.[/B] [I]AND, you may need help to do it[/I]. For me? That help came with therapy, folks trained to see what the issues are, educated to know how to help to heal them and give you tools to change it. Others here have their opinions as to solutions for you, which are equally as valid and helpful. Read through the options here, read books, use your gut feelings to choose the road best suited for you and your wife and then [U][I]go for it.[/I][/U] Our children do not have a right to hurt us and as someone else has said, hold us hostage in our own homes. It is time to let them go into their own lives. Please seek out help Michael. Take it from someone who has lived in the h-ll you speak about, you [U]can[/U] change it, you [U]can[/U] make it different, you [U]can [/U]feel good about yourself and you [U]can[/U] be happy. One step at a time. We are all here with you, [I]you are not alone. [/I]You have a whole tribe of parents here who know how you feel. We're circling the wagons around you so that you can take a deep breath, be open to the help that's there for you, and proceed with new tools to set you free. God bless you............... [/QUOTE]
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25 year old and 30 year old boys still at home.
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