2nd post in different forum re: Freaking out.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by welcometowitsend, Jul 20, 2012.

  1. I just don't even know how to say this.

    difficult child has had problems with pornography before - beyond what I would consider normal for a teenage boy. Anonymous phone/sexting via porn sites - to the tune of phone bills up to $400.00 And who knows what else.

    Well, I found a piece of paper today with his computer password on it. He's not home tonight so I hacked in and checked his history.

    He has been visiting several sites but the most worrisome is pornographic stories. What disgusts me is I found one about having sex with a dog that he'd read and several more about someone having sex with their sister.

    I am shaking right now. What do I do? We have a 13 year old daughter and now I'm terrified. This kid is sick.

    He is not here tonight and won't be home tomorrow night either so I have a couple of days to figure something out and talk to daughter to make sure he hasn't done anything to her already.

    I'm going to post on substance abuse as well just to get maximum advice.
  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Talk to his therapist?
  3. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Look, I know it's not much comfort but a teenager reading about these awful things is not the same as actually doing them. The most respectable businessmen or even, dare we say it, priests might watch all sorts of things that would disgust and amaze people if they knew. I'm not saying it's okay, or you shouldn't be taking this seriously but teenagers do have intense curiosity and your teenager is just straying further into forbidden territory than is comfortable. Frankly I wouldn't be surprised if other teenagers do also look at this kind of stuff - but probably not obsessively and more in the spirit of playing with taboos. This is just my gut feeling - it doesn't at all necessarily mean your daughter is in danger. But where do you go from here? Others will have advice, I am sure.
  4. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    Can you e-mail his therapist? If so, e-mail him so that you can tell him, in full detail, what you found and what you are worried about and you won't have to be concerned that difficult child is in the room or that he might over hear what you are saying. I do this all the time with difficult child's therapist and it really helps because then the therapist can sort of bring the conversation around to the topic that you brought up in the e-mail and difficult child never knew that I was the one who made the therapist aware of the problem.

    If you are really that upset about it, you can always confront him about it and tell him that it's not acceptable and that you are revoking his computer privledges, but I'm not sure what his reaction to that would be.
  5. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Will it be to tough to tell him that if he wants to have a password and computer....you as parents wants to know the password and that you are going to download some kind of filter to prevent him watching porn? Not to punish him, but protect him against the dangers of the porn world....for kids....And maybe have a nice discussion about healthy relationships and what effect to many porn can have on relationships?
    There is a nice free program called K9.....and it can be customized and it gives you a summary of activities.....but again you must put in the password!
    You dont have to tell him what you discovered....depending on your relationship....but you or hubby might have an open discussion, randomly on porn and stuff....no judgement, just letting him know that you are there for him? Because sometimes kids look at this, because they are curious...not perverts? And they dont know where to find the answers and are to ashamed to ask their parents? Regarding your daughter.....dont snoop around or make her suspect her brother....just teach her how to say know and let her know she can allways come and tell you anything and you will protect and help her......

    Either he will give you free access to his computer.....or no computer?
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Sigh. I have no advice, except that I agree, if it's any solace, reading is not doing.
    I know you wanted more than that ...
  7. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I know this is very worrisome. My brother in law had a girlfriend and she went onto my nephew's computer and found out he was staying up most of the night looking at porn sites for hours and hours on end. My brother in law ignored it, the girlfriend was so disturbed but my brother in law thought it's normal. He never said anything. This was 7th and 8th grade. He's now a few years out of hs, in college, and has a girlfriend. I don't know if this is what kids do - it's a different world than we were younger- they have access to this. I kind of think once a kid discoveres this stuff, they may look at this- A LOT. I think. I don't know. I do know my nephew was never approached. His mom and brother in law are divorced, it was a man's world in that house. He is a normal guy. Sending hugs and support.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Okay I will tell you to take a deep breath. Pornography is normal in people especially the male sex. I know its not something mothers want to find out and the fact that he is paying for it with your money isnt cool. There are enough free sites out there.

    Incest is something lots of people fantasize about but would never actually act on. The bestiality is a bit more disturbing but it may be something he just stumbled upon. I know Cory stumbled upon one site with girls and horses! Talk about freaking me out...lol. I stared at that thing in awe for at least ten minutes! Yes obviously I have been through this before.

    Cory did all this but at a younger age. He quit when he actually started having some sort of sexual relationships with living girls. As he put it "why do I need 2D pictures when I have the real deal?" LOL. The only thing he uses the computer for now is craigslist and rarely playing pogo.
  9. I wish he had a therapist right now. The therapist I found for him will see be seeing him soon but I certainly don't have anyone that I can email or call at this point. His psychiatrist appointment isn't until August 13 - that's the soonest I could get him in.

    I understand that porn is a pretty normal thing for boys/men to explore. I am just very concerned about the fact that he was exploring porn that fantasizes about sex with your own sister. I went to the site that he was on and looked around. He had to LOOK for that type of fantasy, it wasn't something that popped up and he just decided to check it out. Not only that but he read episodes 1 through 8 on several different occasions and some of the episodes he has read more than once.

    He is not surfing incessantly on his laptop - I don't know about his phone but the content of what he is surfing is what disturbs me. That and it's on my dime. This is a free site but we pay for the internet and I'm not supporting that kind of habit.

    I talked to husband about it and he said that him and his friend used to check out playboy magazines that his friend's dad owned but if they ever came across some articles that were incestuous in nature or of that ilk they would be grossed out and would move on. I get that there are many people out there that look at and read this kind of thing and never act on it but I just don't feel like I can be too careful where my daughter is concerned. And at the age of 16 he is so impressionable (especially with the possibility of asperger's) that I worry about how insidious this kind of thing could be for him.

    Janet - difficult child said something similar to Corey in that he said he quit watching porn now that he has 'women'. However, that has proven to be not true.

    Just to make my day better he came home to shower after being at my parents place working. He was grabbing some clean clothes and going 'out' for the night. I caught him stealing a bottle of wine before he left, although it wasn't for him. yah, ok.

    I did call the mental health hotline and they were helpful with ideas for getting services quickly after he sees psychiatrist but it's really just biding time until August. Going to keep lines of communication open with daughter and try to open up dialogue with difficult child around this. I think the internet is going to be gone and he is going to have to get a phone with no data on it. In the meantime I am definitely going to be putting keystroke spyware on as well.
  10. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I hope you get answers soon. In the mean time, is the computer in a family or living room? If not, can you move it? Not sure what type of service you have for internet, but many times we unplug the modem and put it in our room at night - not because they were going to sites we wouldn't approve of, but were staying up late texting on their ipods in their room at night (even during school nights). So, we just turn it off from 10pm to 6 am. THey were frustrated at first, but not a biggie now - they know to finish up before 10pm.

    Can you get some type of parental blocker for the computer? Just random thoughts - trying to think what might help. Hugs... KSM
  11. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    I still think you as his parents have the right to have access to his computer....you are paying for it right?
    We are very open and straight honest with our son about this....He was 7-8 yrs old when we found out he was watching heavy porn on our computers...didnt have any spyware, because we thought he was to young......now every little thing is blocked! Since then we have a very open, straight forward and honest approach about sex.....if he wants to know something, he can ask us.....But I do think with a teenager its more embarressing.....And I still think a general discussion on relationships, sexuality and how to treat a woman might not be such a bad idea?
  12. Thank you so much everyone.

    Lovelyboy - Wow, that is very young. I am so glad you caught it and changed this right away.

    I had a talk with difficult child today about it. I told him that based on his phone usage I suspected that the pornography was still being viewed online. He denied of course so I said, ok, show me your computer. He did and I looked through his history as though it were the first time and 'discovered' the porn.

    He says he is done with it, that he's weaned himself off of it. That he is not using his phone for it. Do I believe any of that? No, not a chance. I tried to look into the 'why' of it with him. How was he feeling at the time, was he feeling down? Was he in a risk taking mood? Did he look it up because of something that came up in discussion with friends? He said no. He thought of it himself and it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Then after he does it he asks himself "why did I do that?" It sounds compulsive to me.

    I told him I was very concerned about the incestuous fantasy stories he was reading and he assured me that he has no interest in acting those out with his sister. He seemed rather mortified with that - more mortified than that I knew about the bestiality stuff. He seems to think this stuff is popular. Well, I guess it is in some crowds but I assured him that I think this is fringe behaviour and just because something has been viewed by thousands of people doesn't make it 'popular' when there are billions of people online.

    Anyway, new rules in the house. He is getting a phone that can not access the internet tomorrow - only text and talk. He is not allowed on his computer unless he is in the same room with me. I don't need to be standing over his shoulder but I will be able to see the screen and will be randomly checking. The internet cable will be with me at all times. If I am in bed it will be with me in my room, if I'm out the cord will be with me. Not fair to easy child but it has to be done.

    I told him we love him and that we want him to grow into a productive young man. He is very smart and has a lot of potential. I just let him know that while I don't take issue with young men being interested in sex and pornography I do take issue with him using my internet to view it and with the content of what he is viewing. I talked to him about indulging in things and how that's ok once in a while but if it happens all the time it takes over your life and you don't achieve your goals and dreams for your future. I do believe that porn can be insidious and the internet access makes it so easy to fall into it and hard to get out.

    I hope I got through. I have to say he really didn't seem that embarrassed that I knew about it or that I was forcing a discussion about it. I really tried to approach him in a non-judgemental way but if it had of been me I'd have been horrified if someone found out, you know?

    It will definitely be getting noted at the psychiatrist appointment despite the fact that he adamantly refused to talk to anyone about it. I am also making an appointment with a new therapist that I found for him to go to. I'm going to take the advice of a couple of people here and tell therapist about it so he can try to get around to it with difficult child. I think that a number of sessions may have to happen before therapist can build enough trust to talk to difficult child and so it doesn't look like I put therapist up to it.

    Posting in Substance Abuse as well...