2nd wrap team meeting, other stuff.

[crazymama30]

So I had difficult child's 2nd wrap around meeting today. I also saw my therapist, and that gave me some time to think. My therapist asked me what I thought of the county. I thought for a minute, and said not much yet but that I have not given them much of a chance. I have made sure all the meetings were at county mental health. I hate the thought of having people over here, the house is such a cluttered mess, the walls are filthy, there is plaster missing off of the corners, holes in the doors, etc.

I decided that I have to get over it. The mentor guy for both kids comes here on Monday. We may get someone to come to the house to help with a chore chart and implentation of such. I have to buck up and get over it. My poor kiddos are suffering and there is no doubt I am overworked. I also quit smoking, as difficult child would not quit stealing my smokes, so if he cannot smoke neither can I!


So back to the wrap meeting. I ended up going alone, as I did not realize he had field work today (his school has field work once a week or more). It actually worked out better. We were able to talk much more candidly, and I was very impressed with his therapist. She kept at the case manager trying to get me respite..........she did not have any luck........but she tried. Case manager wanted to have difficult child go to some groups the county is having on bullying, but I have already signed him up for another social skills group as this time they are billing insurance. therapist backed me up on that too, saying he really really needed the social skills group. She did all this very tactfully, but I realized she was doing it so it really made me feel good because even though I know she is on our side? It was good to see it. I also told both of them if I caught difficult child smoking or with a pipe again I would be calling police. I have told difficult child this several times too. I have caught him enough times, if he does it again? I have given him enough chances. I heard no complaints regarding this plan. therapist also mentioned that she thought difficult child might be doing drugs and all that stuff as he had such a need to identify with his dad. YUCK YUCK YUCK YUCK but unfortunately probably true.

So to those of you who have had to let all these people into your house, how did you deal with it? I am intensely private at home, will not even answer the phone some of the time. It is my safe place.

 

[pepperidge]

I haven't been in your situation but can imagine, sometimes I don't even want friends over because the house is messy.

Either reframe it in your mind--maybe if they see how much stress and turmoil the family has been through, how little money I have to spend on the house, they will realize how much I need services. Or maybe talk candidly about how all the stuff with husband and work and difficult children etc has left you with no energy--you need their help to try to improve the quality of the house.

Or else just clean the living room!

In any event, give yousrelf an attagirl--you have dealt with a husband in one of the most stressful situations ever, you have a job and are working, you have very stressful kids, you are quitting smoking, you aren't beating your kids, they should be falling over themselves to be impressed with you.

 

[keista]

So to those of you who have had to let all these people into your house, how did you deal with it? I am intensely private at home, will not even answer the phone some of the time. It is my safe place.

I take a deep breath, make my apologies, and then just learn to live with it. Two weeks ago I had DD1's new insurance case manager (crisis intervention specialist is the official title even though she doesn't even know why?) for her intake meeting. I tidied up the living and dining room, and did the basic cleaning of the living room, dining room, and one bathroom (just in case she needed it). For what the kids and I are used to, it was VERY tidy, but there were plenty of "clutter corners" plus the unmistakeable presence of my inventory (I work from home) EVERYWHERE. DD1 "ratted" me out before we got to the part of the interview discussing her chores, at which point I usually explain the difficulties I have on a daily basis with chronic disorganization and hoarding. YES, today was considered clean, and when expecting ppl I do my best to tidy up, but it is a daily struggle. Most ppl offer up excuses for me - single mom, 3 difficult children, working AND keeping up with inside AND outside of house AND I'm not naturally a good housekeeper. Since I'm not growing "science experiments" and the house is fully functional, most professionals are OK with it.

I still dream of having my house to Martha Stewart standards, and dreaming is essential and good, but will settle for never being bad enough to get on one of those Hoarder shows.

 

[Liahona]

I understand how you feel. difficult child 1's therapist comes to the house once a week. The autism specialist comes once a month. I've had early intervention coming for years sometimes several times a month. difficult child 2 smears poop on the walls. I have huge piles of clean and dirty laundry all over the place. My house is so dirty my mother doesn't want me having all these people come in. She thinks they'll call cps on me.

Guess what, they don't look at the house. They notice, and have complimented, me on how I treat my kids. How well I change to try to help them. (You're stopping smoking for your son speaks volumes about how much you love him.) Some of the people my mother doesn't want me to let in are more supportive and loving than she is.

I do try to have the living room clean, but sometimes that doesn't get done. And if they are more worried about the house than if difficult child is doing drugs its time to change people. (Yes, having a clean house is nice, but its not the most important thing.)

 

[crazymama30]

Can I just say, I really really want a cigarette, and I am not having one!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ok, thank you all for your support, and ideas. I will implement many of them. The guy coming on Monday (and yes I picked Monday so I can clean all weekend) is the program coordinator for the program that provides mentors to kids who have a parent who is in or has been in jail.


Keista and Liahona thank you for the advice. I am going to use much of it. I will get things as good as I can, and just let him know I do the best I can, but between work and the kids I just cannot always keep up with it.

Pepper, thank you for the compliment. I guess I feel like I just do what I have to, and don't ever realize that not doing it is an option. I have taken care of everything for so long, it is second nature. It is a huge relief, however, to not have to deal with S2BX's stuff. I cannot believe how much easier and less stressful life is.

 

[KTMom91]

I don't like having people over, either. I have an 800 square foot house with three people, six cats, a Jack Russell, and no storage, so things tend to pile up. I can't even hide anything in the bedroom because you have to go through our bedroom to get to the bathroom, which is about 75% painted and the linoleum is coming up.

Miss KT's room has a curtain for a door (because she tore it off the hinges and threw it at me about 8 years ago) and it's half office, half bedroom, but painted in a myriad of delightful colors. It was originally lavender (I painted over several hundred layers of wallpaper) and then we went with a celestial theme, with soft gold walls and a navy blue ceiling that I never finished because I fell off a stool and broke my leg. Then Miss KT wanted to paint, and she chose high-gloss black with lime green trim, which was never finished, and finally she decided to paint over the black with a weird shade of turquoise. In short, her room looks like he!!. We've decided to build a walk-in closet, since we have no closet space, and basically demo the room, rewire, new sheet rock, the whole bit, and since the house was originally built in 1918, I imagine it could stand some revision. There are also random holes in the walls of various sizes, that I had always refused to fix.

I understand completely about not wanting visitors. Keep the people outside, bring out iced tea and cookies and sit under a shady tree instead.

 

[crazymama30]

Mary honey, it won't be warm enough for that much longer. It is much cooler already than when you visited. trust me, if we can be outside?? We will be. I am afraid I am just going to have to deal with it. The wrap around lady offered a person to come out and help with a chore chart and do different things to get the kids doing chores. I don't think it will help, but cannot hurt to try. I told her we had to wait awhile, I did not like people coming to my house and my house is a mess and I have to get used to this.

I got no arguments from wrap lady or therapist, actually they said everyone feels like that but that does not help me feel any better.

 

[flutterby]

I'm very private in my home, too, and also often don't answer the phone. My home is my sanctuary.

That said, my home is my sanctuary and I refuse to be made to feel uncomfortable in it. I guess because growing up and in my marriages, I wasn't safe in my home. Anyway...I think the first couple of times, everything had to be just so. They didn't know me...first impressions and all. After that, I got over it. I even stayed in my jammies. You know how I hate the feel of "real" clothes. They didn't care, and neither did I. I can promise you, they have seen worse. And they have seen worse with parents who are part of the problem, not the solution. That isn't you. You'll be ok.

 

[crazymama30]

thank you Heather. I am just getting myself prepared for it. I feel about having people over to my house how you feel about real clothes!!


I think once I force myself to get used to it I will be fine, but it is the getting used to it. And the first few times it happens. I used to work in home health, I have seen the worst houses and the best houses. I have been in "Martha Stewart" homes, and been in homes that could have been on the show "Hoarders" and been in homes that should have been condemned. I know mine is not the worst? But I feel that it should be better, but I just cannot devote that much time to it. last night? Instead of cleaning I went to a presentation about the CIT (Crisis intervention team) that the local law inforcement/court system/county mental health dept has put together to deal with mental health emergencies. It was very interesting, and in my humble opinion? More valuable than cleaning the house.

thank you all for your support. I think this was mainly a whine, but the responses helped me so much.