Lakerhart, welcome here. I am so sorry it is encopresis that has brought you here, but you are in the right place for support and empathy.
My son who had encopresis is now 23 and no longer has this. I could write reams about it, but I'll just give you a few bits of advice from an old (!) lady who coped with this. My son, who was initially completely clean and dry, suddenly at the age of about four and a half started pooping in his pants. He did it all day long. It could happen 10 times a day, and 12 times a day. I won't bore you with the details about what causes encopresis, but it could be just from constipation and nothing else. In very rare cases it is caused by stress, but usually it is constipation, that causes the poop to build up, and the pressure presses on the nerves and causes them to lose the sensation that tells people when they have to go. That's it in a nutshell. It's not an illness. It's a condition.
The first and most important thing that you have to do is make an appointment for your daughter with a pediatric gastroenterologist -- i.e., a gastro doctor who specializes in children's gastro problems. The reason for that being essential is that very occasionally there is a physical reason for the encopresis, such as a disease called Hirschprungs, which is a problem further up in the digestive tract. I had a neighbor with a child with this problem and it has to be dealt with by expert doctors.
Once that sort of stuff is ruled out, we come to the problem of actually dealing with encopresis day to day. And it s***s, I know. Oh boy, do I know! After years of fighting with our son and not understanding what the problem was -- i.e., we thought he was doing it on purpose and that he had control, when all the time he had no control -- I found my modus vivendi with it, and it went like this: Every time he dirtied himself, I showered him (until he got old enough to do it himself), and his clothes had to be changed. Every single time. I made sure that I had an extremely good supply of underpants and pants for him. He wore only white pants so that I could soak them in bleach and get them snowy white again, and then run them through the hottest cycle in the washing machine.
I finally got to the stage when I was no longer angry. I rediscovered my ability to hug him and to love him, and to accept the fact that this is the way he was. I found a support group on the internet for parents of children with encopresis. I had absolutely no support at all of any kind from my children's doctor. I discovered from the support group that if all else fails, they just seem to grow out of it at puberty. That's what happened with my son, at the age of 13 and a half he just stopped soiling himself. He still gets constipated to this day, but he copes with it. He is fastidious about taking showers and changing his clothes.
I'm talking about almost 20 years ago, when this subject wasn't talked about, and there wasn't the help that one gets now with all sorts of problems. We felt so alone coping with it. We thought we were the only ones with this problem. Today I know that something like 3 percent of children suffer from it -- that's like one child in every class. There are all sorts of things, especially with small children, to help them poop in the toilet. I remember some people suggested blowing up balloons, because that causes children to press down and the poop comes out in the toilet.
Don't give up. Your daughter needs you to love her. It's not her fault, she's not doing it on purpose to annoy you. She's probably as frustrated as you are, it's just her defense mechanisms causing her to react that way.
I'm sure other mothers will be along to help you. Hang in there.
Oh, and Moonglow, what a surprise to see you! Great to hear that Nate is doing so well. I can't believe he is already 13 years old. How time flies.
Love, Esther