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64,000 dollar question
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<blockquote data-quote="Malika" data-source="post: 438069" data-attributes="member: 11227"><p>Thanks for your answers and thoughts.</p><p>Okay, here's the first thing... OF COURSE I tell him when his behaviour is unacceptable - again and again. When he speaks to me rudely, other people rudely, throws stones, won't share, etc, etc. The thing I'm toughest about is the tantrums, really - most of the time I don't "let" him have a tantrum (which may not mean for me what it means for some people; what it means for me is that he starts crying loudly and protesting/shouting). I just say in a really loud voice, louder than his "No! You are not having a tantrum! Just stop it! NOW!" and most of the time it does nip it in the bud. He does stop. This goes against most of my liberal thoughts about letting a child express emotions, etc - to me, though, it's just like a spoilt brat demonstration. </p><p>But does my telling him make a difference to the other unacceptable behaviours? Not really. Very minimally. What happens when he transcends the boundary? Well, nothing... the reason for this is because, from bitter experience, trying to impose a "consequence" or punishment rapidly becomes a hideous farce. When I tried to put him in his room for a time out he would shout, scream, kick the door, throw things, rage, refuse to stay in. He would get really hysterical - any kind of punitive tone (from me) or measure gets him hysterical. He seems to learn nothing from it, it seems to change nothing and just lead to an all-out, exhausting war between us. It makes him into a complete difficult child. I suspect that lesser souls than I would drop the whole idea, as I have done.</p><p>What DOES work, to some degree, is rewards, positive reinforcement, all the standard stuff you read about for ADHD. As for medications, he is FOUR. In France, no doctor or psychiatrist will prescribe medications before the age of six or seven unless the child is so completely disturbed and out of control that they cannot function in a school environment, for example. This is not J's case. I have recently opened up more to the idea of medications - that I would be OPEN to the notion of using them IF THEY HELP HIM when the time is right, age six or so. </p><p>Some/all of this is about testing. J is testing boundaries all the time - and only a really strong, gutsy, natural authoritarian (preferably male) would succeed in imposing boundaries on him by methods of fire, as it were. It simply isn't my style (alas) and it ain't going to happen. Basically what happens is that J does not listen to me a lot of the time... I ask him to do something and he ignores it. I cannot impose consequences because he totally rebels against it. So some of his behaviour remains socially unacceptable and I simply don't know how to change this situation for the better. There, in a nutshell, is the problem...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Malika, post: 438069, member: 11227"] Thanks for your answers and thoughts. Okay, here's the first thing... OF COURSE I tell him when his behaviour is unacceptable - again and again. When he speaks to me rudely, other people rudely, throws stones, won't share, etc, etc. The thing I'm toughest about is the tantrums, really - most of the time I don't "let" him have a tantrum (which may not mean for me what it means for some people; what it means for me is that he starts crying loudly and protesting/shouting). I just say in a really loud voice, louder than his "No! You are not having a tantrum! Just stop it! NOW!" and most of the time it does nip it in the bud. He does stop. This goes against most of my liberal thoughts about letting a child express emotions, etc - to me, though, it's just like a spoilt brat demonstration. But does my telling him make a difference to the other unacceptable behaviours? Not really. Very minimally. What happens when he transcends the boundary? Well, nothing... the reason for this is because, from bitter experience, trying to impose a "consequence" or punishment rapidly becomes a hideous farce. When I tried to put him in his room for a time out he would shout, scream, kick the door, throw things, rage, refuse to stay in. He would get really hysterical - any kind of punitive tone (from me) or measure gets him hysterical. He seems to learn nothing from it, it seems to change nothing and just lead to an all-out, exhausting war between us. It makes him into a complete difficult child. I suspect that lesser souls than I would drop the whole idea, as I have done. What DOES work, to some degree, is rewards, positive reinforcement, all the standard stuff you read about for ADHD. As for medications, he is FOUR. In France, no doctor or psychiatrist will prescribe medications before the age of six or seven unless the child is so completely disturbed and out of control that they cannot function in a school environment, for example. This is not J's case. I have recently opened up more to the idea of medications - that I would be OPEN to the notion of using them IF THEY HELP HIM when the time is right, age six or so. Some/all of this is about testing. J is testing boundaries all the time - and only a really strong, gutsy, natural authoritarian (preferably male) would succeed in imposing boundaries on him by methods of fire, as it were. It simply isn't my style (alas) and it ain't going to happen. Basically what happens is that J does not listen to me a lot of the time... I ask him to do something and he ignores it. I cannot impose consequences because he totally rebels against it. So some of his behaviour remains socially unacceptable and I simply don't know how to change this situation for the better. There, in a nutshell, is the problem... [/QUOTE]
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