6yrs7mths old unhappy son , may be with adhd(not sure)...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by life, Jul 2, 2013.

  1. life

    life New Member

    my son who is 6yrs7mnths old now has always been naughty...hyper active ..lazy to study...not very disciplined...
    he has been restless in school earlier. But now is ok...sits in class..listens..he is good at studies..
    but when it comes to homework is is ok with 2 pages. More than that he doesn't want to sit...
    he is not violent...but when we go out for shopping..for a party or to someone's house or when we have guests , he becomes very hyper( kind of over excited and screams and jumps. And bites the food directly from the plate..etc)
    when we go to restaurants or even at home , despite teaching him so many times he eats in a very shabby way..its been years..but doesn't want to learn..no effort is taken on his side..even for putting on his own shoes, socks ,clothes he doesn't want to take any initiative..he is too lazy to do all that..and to get ready for school..he is eating my head everyday...he is hyper active( jumping,screaming even talking very loud)..but too lazy to do many of his tasks..
    the most recent ones are he would start crying for each and everything and doesn't realise his mistakes..he always thinks we hit him or scold him just like that. And even when we explain he doesn't want to realise. Basically from morning till night he disobeys us for multiple things. Doesn't do his tasks. Cries for each and everything. argues . adamant...disrespectful. and sad because he feels its only us who is doing mistakes and he doesn't care to correct them..
    even when we call he responds only after ten times..
    doesn't obey about the play rules..
    above all this he has been treated for his tonsils which gives him frequent fevers and illness since 3 1/2.
    he is also a very fussy eater(prefers only junk which I give very less) and is very thin and short for his age(15.4kgs and 112cms).

    he doesn't listen to us when we tell him something..it takes time for him to focus and get what we said(atleast the words that we speak)..and he find it necessary to follow rules..or says the other person is wrong.
    he does accept sometimes that he has done a mistake..but this keeps repeating..

    above all of this my husband is very moody. Short tempered and gets irritated very easily...very negative. discourages all of us.. Teases me all the time. Gets irritated so quickly on small issues( especially with my sons behaviour) and has it in his mind and is irritated for more than a day for that. And passes that mood to the whole family
    he abuses me with unpleasant words. And I am always scared ..expecting something or the other to burst out anytime..I am scared to smile..i also have a 2 yrs. old daughter who even at this age is very good and disciplined. I am sure she is fine..
    my husband when he is in a good state tells me that he as a child also was very lazy(even now) and also hyper. He cannot get along with people quickly( I help him to get along)..very short tempered since childhood..

    I also had a very sad childhood(my dad was a sadist and my mom got separated )..but I and my mom are extremely positive about everything. But now I have started becoming negative, irritated and short tempered ..
    I am in a very bad state that I cannot be happy even for one complete day. And my husbands mood and mind is passing negative energy and how much ever I try , I am losing control and react to my kids. And with a son like mine who need care and help I have started losing hope and having negative thoughts..almost in a depressed state..
    all I worry is about my kids....just want to live for them..
    I felt if I solve my sons issues I can almost solve most of my problems.
    I feel trapped in the net of life..
    PLEASE HELP at the earliest...( by the way I have never consulted any doctor or counsellor for this..and I will surely not be able to do it as my husband wont agree)
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First, let me say welcome to the board. You have found a place where we understand.

    From the outside looking in, it appears some of your son's behaviors could be adhd and the low fuse, inattention, hyperactivity, and loss of impulse control that can often accompany a case of adhd/combined highly impulsive case.

    But it also appears there are other factors in play. It seems you are probably from outside the US. Your son is really young so I am wondering about your earlier statement that he was restless in school earlier but it ok now? More than two pages of homework for a six year old sounds like too much homework to me. Does he have younger siblings that are running around playing or watching the tv while he is trying to do homework or have you provided him a quiet place to do his work? Often the external stimuli can be very distracting and lead to frustration.

    Sounds like your husband might have some issue that need to be worked on as well. His attitude probably does not help the situation at all.

    Does your son have friends in school? Is he able to do the work requested while in the classroom? What do his teachers tell you about his academic ability?

    Sounds like you have some family dynamics at play as well in regards to family history. Many of the issues our children deal with have some root in genetics - not always, but often we can find some connecting thread.

    The biggest issue I belive you are dealing with is your inability to medically address your son's issues. Are you in a culture or a relationship where your husband has all the control? If this is not the case, I would suggest you standing up for your son and telling your husband that the issues your son is dealing with is sucking all the life from you and you know in your heart there are expectations on your son that he just is unable to give. He needs to see a doctor for a full evaluation.

    Short of that, research, research, research. Reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene would be a good place to start. It goes a long way by explaining how many of our kids are wired and gives suggestions for a calmer home.

    You will hear from many of our "warrior moms" who have been there and who have also had to fight friends and family to get help for their children. Take what sounds helpful and useful to you. Don't get really caught up in what folks think is wrong with your son, rather take suggestions on what can make the situation better and how you can find help.

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I think it sounds like more is going on than just ADHD and that your husband has similar issues. These quirks can be inherited. Have you ever taken your son for a comprehensive evaluation? If you haven't, I would.

    I am a little troubled that you call your son lazy. He is only six years old. Some kids, due to being differently wired in their little brains, CAN NOT focus long enough to get things done. This isn't laziness, but part of a probable disability and it needs work. As you see, your husband, who probably got no help as a child, is not a very happy adult. I think that your son's not eating correctly off a plate is more a social skills lapse than his being defiant toward you. I do think you need to take him to see either a neuropsychologist or a group of evaluators from a university hospital as soon as you can. Putting things off usually just makes the problems get worse. Early intervention gives you the best prognosis. If your husband won't agree, frankly, knowing myself, I'd do it without his consent. Maybe that's bad advice, but I'd put the child before the grumpy husband. He doesn't sound like he wants to help his son or himself at all.

    It is too bad your husband is so disagreeable. Are you planning on stayiing married t o him, although he is abusing you? Are you in therapy yourself?

    We're happy to have you on board, b ut are sorry you had to find us...
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    That "laziness" about dressing, not eating properly, etc? Could easily be coordination difficulties, which can be a stand-alone diagnosis (Developmental Coordination Disorder (DCD)) or often is part of a broader diagnosis such as Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)/Aspie.

    Sounds like sensory issues are involved - often it's part of the "food" issue, but can affect lots of other things too, including clothes.

    Also sounds like he comes home from school "tired", and intuitively knows that there's a limit on how much homework he can do... some of "our" kids actually know themselves better than we give them credit for.

    A comprehensive evaluation is definitely the best way to get answers. Until you know what the real issues are, it's very hard to get appropriate help.
  5. I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. Many caregivers suffer situational depression due to taking on the difficult responsibilities spouses refuse to help with. Please consider speaking with a physician or therapist who can help you cope even if you can not have your husband or son evaluated. I got more out of therapy than my kids did.

    If you don't mind answering- what country do you live in? It may help us to better understand your family dynamics and possible solutions.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Even a more "generic" location helps... North America? Europe? etc? It doesn't tell much about your location, but does tell quite a bit about the systems and cultures you are working with.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Welcome, Life.
    So glad you found us but sorry you had to.
    I agree with-the others--it appears to me that your son has inherited something from your husband. ADHD is what I would called an adjective or beginner's diagnosis, just the tip of the iceberg, for other disorders such as Asperger's and bipolar.
    I'm going to take a huge leap here and suggest that "laziness" for a 6-yr-old could be anything from depression to fear and anxiety.
    Look at it this way: If you were a kid, and every single thing you did got you yelled at, and you were totally confused all the time, wouldn't you stop doing things? Especially things you HAD to do, like study? But once you're wound up, you can't help it, and can't control yourself and you bounce all over.
    In a "mixed state" you would feel both at the same time: imagine having PMS and a severe toothache, with the strange concept that you can't feel it, but you know that something is "off," and a touch of the flu--just the ache part--but having had 6 cups of espresso all at once. That's what your son feels like.
    Please take your son to a psychologist who has training in neurology, too. You can try a psychiatrist but it's hard to find one who could diagnosis a 6-yr-old. And I would suggest that your husband tag along, because eventually, he will get a diagnosis too, and this will open him up to the idea of genetics at work. Initially, he will be defensive and in denial.
    You've got a long road in front of you.
    In the meantime, try to analyze your son's triggers and precipitators, to see what sets him off. For example, if he eats wheat and milk one day, is he cranky and out of sorts for several days after that? Or are his moods totally random? Is he sensitive to certain noises and lights? Certain fabrics?
    Please tell him that you love him every day, no matter what; he really isn't trying to be naughty. From your description, he can't help it. Once you figure out what's going on, you can help him to learn how to control himself, even if it means medications eventually.
  8. life

    life New Member

    Thanks a lot to all of u for your replies. Your answers mean a lot to me ...
    We live in India . Kids here start going to school at the age of 3.

    Getting separated from my husband is not a choice for me. my mom is a single mother as she got separated due to harassments. And I don't want to go for it and make it a typical choice for my kids when they grow up. One main reason is I know my husband, for sure loves me and my kids. Just like how you all feel my son is helpless, I think my husband is also helpless for his attitude and behaviour. He is very egoistic. Full of attitude. I feel hurt when I see that attitude in my son too. My son is very good at school . I am sorry for using the word laziness. But you are right, he is scared and scolded for almost everything he does. I feel like I have found one solution from you answers. Thanks.His health is getting better and both of us can take decisions on that together.

    My son can do things well when he wants to. But somehow doesn't agree when I point out a mistake. He would start crying.
    And my husband will get irritated. And there will be a chain of reactions. which is what I want to avoid.
    My husband, whenever is in a normal mood, agrees that he is less matured than me. And is in a way scared all his bad behaviour should not go to to our son. But I have never been able to convince him to take him and my son to a nueropsych( I have tried many times). He thinks he is totally fine and its only I who blows out everything into an issue and treating him and my son like mentally ill people. I cannot take my son to a doctor without my husband's consent as it will easily be known. And will lead to many other issues every day and worsen the situation.
    I need your help to stay calm and take my son in a positive way. Stay strong and unaffected by my husband's behaviour. Focus on my kids. Stop hurting my son. Follow rules to lead my son in the right way.

    I feel like I have reached the saturation point to tolerate any more of these and showing all my emotions to my son. Feel so bad for him. I shouldn't be doing this. I feel I am not a good mother...
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Not sure if you can get the book where you are, but "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene provides a different perspective.

    I too used to believe that difficult child "could if he wanted to".
    Reality? inconsistent performance is part of who they are.
    It's like saying if you can run one city block, you can run a marathon. You can't. There's a big difference.
    But kids like ours get this all the time. If you can hold it together for an hour, you can do it for a whole day. If you can write one sentence, you can write a 10-page essay. In reality? they can't. The effort it takes to do X is so huge that doing 10X = impossible. Or, other things are adding to the overload, and it isn't just one particular task.

    There may be a lot more going on for you son.
  10. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    The Explosive Child book also helped me. Writing down the behaviors everyday also helped me deal with them. Also taking short breaks to do something I liked helped. Do an hour of work then 30 min of break. When I started feeling better the amount of work I did increased. Also getting out of the house with the kids helped. We would go to toy stores or a relatives house; just the change and other people there helped me cope better.

    With the homework does breaks help? Do two pages then run around, then 2 more pages? Would it help if you wrote what he says for the answer? It sounds like he has sensory issues. The behavior at the party and restaurant could be sensory issues. As could also be the sloppy fussy eating at home. It also sounds like he has very ridged thinking which can go with many different issues. He might have slow processing speed which is why he only comes after you call 10 times. You could try calling him (or asking him to do something) and then counting to 7 in your head before calling or asking again. It helps with my kids. They are willing to do what I ask but it takes them longer to start.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi there. I was figuring you lived somewhere that it wouldnt be easy for you to go behind your husband's back to get help for your son. There are a few things you can try as home remedies to see if they help. Regular old caffeine might help if he does have a touch of ADHD. Maybe give him a cup of coffee on the weekend and see if it helps at all, if you can get him to drink it. You will most likely have to make it very sweet. Or try a small glass of Coke.

    You can also try fish oil...omega 3 and 6 oils. I know here they actually sell it in a pudding type thing for kids who refuse to swallow pills and now they also have gummy chewables too.

    Is your little boy very active? Mine needed to play all their wiggles out or they were heck on wheels in the house. I kept them very active in whatever I could find for them to do and Im finding I have to do the same thing with my oldest granddaughter who is about the same age as your son.

    Does structure help with him? Everything done at the same time in the same place every day. Some kids need that.

    As far as losing your temper and going off on him dont feel bad, we have all done it. My kids are now 32, 29 and 27. I just yelled at my 27 year old yesterday!!! He left his 1 year old's dirty diapers in the bathroom and my dog got a hold of them and dragged them around my house. You bet I yelled at him!! Of course his kids heard me yell at him too...lol. They thought it was funny, at least the 7 year old did.

    I have learned - after I became a grandparent - that if I count to ten and dont yell or throw a tantrum myself that I get better results out of the discipline I am trying to dish out. If I am having my own temper tantrum and screaming at a kid, their eyes just glass over and they stop paying any attention to me about 5 seconds in and say...Just Spank Me and get it over with already! Not the result one is aiming for.