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Parent Emeritus
A couple of lightbulb moments...
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<blockquote data-quote="everywoman" data-source="post: 205796" data-attributes="member: 1436"><p>Wow, Witz. I've been hoping you would get to this point. Ain't it an awesome feeling!!!</p><p>We can't control what anyone else does anymore than they can control us. When we get that, really get that, it changes our perspectives so much. </p><p></p><p>When I finally understood that my mother's stuff had nothing to do with me, I could have a relationship with her without being hurt. Now I can see that her issues are hers, not mine. I can change her. She is stuck the way she is for whatever reason. And I can either choose to accept her as is, or wait for her to change. And waiting would waste a lot of time and leave me with a lot of pain. So, I jsut accept her, warts and all!</p><p> </p><p>When I understood that it really didn't matter what I thought of difficult child's choices, it only mattered whether he was proud of himself or not, that he began to change. And now that he has had some successes, I see those changes happen. No matter what I did to him or for him, it made no difference in how he behaived. Only when I truely let go, and loved him inspite of himself, did our relationship change. I spent sooooo long letting him know how disappointed I was. Our relationship lived there and now, well, I just love him. No strings. No ifs. No buts. I don't let him take advantage of me, but I don't punish him by withdrawing anymore.</p><p></p><p>And life here, in the place I finally found for myself, is so much better. I no longer see myself as a victim of my mother and my son. I see them in the light of day, and sometimes I don't like what I see, but it is their right to live their life how they see fit.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="everywoman, post: 205796, member: 1436"] Wow, Witz. I've been hoping you would get to this point. Ain't it an awesome feeling!!! We can't control what anyone else does anymore than they can control us. When we get that, really get that, it changes our perspectives so much. When I finally understood that my mother's stuff had nothing to do with me, I could have a relationship with her without being hurt. Now I can see that her issues are hers, not mine. I can change her. She is stuck the way she is for whatever reason. And I can either choose to accept her as is, or wait for her to change. And waiting would waste a lot of time and leave me with a lot of pain. So, I jsut accept her, warts and all! When I understood that it really didn't matter what I thought of difficult child's choices, it only mattered whether he was proud of himself or not, that he began to change. And now that he has had some successes, I see those changes happen. No matter what I did to him or for him, it made no difference in how he behaived. Only when I truely let go, and loved him inspite of himself, did our relationship change. I spent sooooo long letting him know how disappointed I was. Our relationship lived there and now, well, I just love him. No strings. No ifs. No buts. I don't let him take advantage of me, but I don't punish him by withdrawing anymore. And life here, in the place I finally found for myself, is so much better. I no longer see myself as a victim of my mother and my son. I see them in the light of day, and sometimes I don't like what I see, but it is their right to live their life how they see fit. [/QUOTE]
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A couple of lightbulb moments...
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