A Detachment "Visualization" That Seems to be Working for Me...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DaisyFace, Mar 24, 2011.

  1. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I just thought I'd share this, in case it helps anyone else...

    Last summer, the therapist worked with me on dis-engaging from day-to-day stuff with difficult child. She told me to envision myself in a three foot bubble....and this was my little bubble of serenity....no matter what difficult child did, I was not to let her break my bubble.

    Well, I have been working on this, but truthfully - this "Bubble o' Happiness" was not the best imagery for me...

    Lately, I realize I have developed a better image.

    I've begun instead to picture myself as an old wall - not "old" in a bad way, but in a historical way, like the foundation to an ancient fortress - and the wall is big and rambling, rising majestically in some places and hidden and overgrown in others. Inside this wall, I keep everything that is me...all my wisdom, secrets and personal truths.

    To outsiders (anyone who is not me), my wall can offer protection, or it can keep people out.

    And when someone comes to visit (like my Mother, for example) I can close down the gates when she starts to attack my defenses.

    I have discovered that my wall has earned some newfound respect from difficult child. No, not that loving courtesy you should get and receive from your loved ones - but the kind of respect you give a big dog who's guarding his food dish. difficult child seems to sense this new stalwart strength.

    And amusingly, I realize that the tables have turned...

    How many years have I spent trying to get difficult child to do something? Trying to encourage her to do, be, try, etc ? Trying to support her in this or that?

    And now, difficult child is trying to figure out how to get ME to do something! How to get me to buy, drive, allow, etc. She's trying to manipulate, trying to argue

    difficult child is trying to get me to move my wall...

    And it's funny how well-protected I am becoming against her usual tactics!

    (Of course, now that I've said that, I've jinxed everything....but still, I will enjoy the small triumph I feel right now.)
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I like this.

    I have problems with detaching. The visualizations don't seem to work for me, either... So I can try this, as a new idea.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Bubble o happiness....? (makes face)

    I like the wall much better! Good job! Excellent analogy Daisy Face. !

    My Mom told me years ago that each injustice my x did to me would be like a brick. Every brick would be laid, and eventually a course would be laid and that course would be laid on top another course, another course, and another course until he would do that ONE FINAL THING - and I would have to stand on my tippy toes to put that one final 'brick' on the very top course of the very top wall. Then someday - when I would stretch so far to put that last brick in? That brick would fall, and hit me in the head. That brick that hit me in the head (or that injustice) would be the one that would cause me to seek out thearapy, and start myself in the right direction to leave him.

    My Mother was right. All those years of abuse, and cheating, and lying, and treating me badly added up brick by brick and I forgave him, and put a brick in my wall. Then one day? For no particular reason or injustice - I just tried to put one last brick in my wall and it 'HIT' me. I can't even remember really what it was that he did, and it wasn't anything anywhere near as severe as he had done in the past; minor really as I remember, but that was it. I was done. I can even remember the look on his face. And then? I was done.

    Pretty much the same thing I think with Dude. Except it was a much shorter wall - almost a flower box.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I like this.....a lot. I am going to try it!!!!
    Thanks - I need a great deal of detachment right now.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    VERY good, DF!

    I've tried that, too, and sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. It takes a good deal of concentration. I'm working on it. It's great to read your note and know that at least it's working for you. BRAVO!
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, in regard to my son blaming me for his not having a ticket for the dance, and screaming at me until I had to wipe the spit off my face, how do I pretend I'm in a bubble when the spit gets in? Is the bubble leaking?
    And my heart rate is a bit elevated ...
  7. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    Daisy Face,
    I love the wall thing- but I think I want bullet proof windows so I can see whats coming. Is that still detachment?
  8. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member


    Visualization is great . I like the wall , anything that gets throw at you , rebounds back like an echo to the person who has a problem

  9. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I was a little embarassed about sharing my visualization - so thank you for the positive feedback!

    LOL, Terry - that's EXACTLY why I had a problem with the "bubble" thing. I could pretend all I wanted, but stuff was getting through my bubble all the time (not spit, thankfully...but objects being thrown)...a happy little bubble didn't fit in the battle scenario I have to live sometimes.

    Exhausted - Nothing wrong with having a few watchtowers on that fortress wall!!! One can never be too careful...

    Star-- That must have been SOME flower box! :)
  10. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    You know that plastic bubble stuff they used to sell, and you blew it through little straws? That's how my bubble looks. Poke at it all you want, it rebounds.

    Well... Until Onyxx and her penchant for needles. Ugh.
  11. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    No offense, Step - but I always thought those were pretty gross!

    Maybe I can just picture you in a pretty, pink, indestructable balloon ?
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Ewwww, not pink!!!

    Indestructible would be good.

    And yeah, the stuff smelled like turpentine and probably tasted like it, too...