A little frustrated...

[toughlovin]

Ok so my son is nearing his 90 days in rehab. We had a conference call this morning to talk about what is next. The good news is he has decided to stay down there for a while, go to a halfway house, get a job, and get on his feet. I think he is scared about being on his own. One option he is also thinking about is staying in treatment for another month to kind of transition... this is not a bad idea and we said we would support him (ie pay for it) if he decided to do that. So all that is the good news.

What frustarted me was his attitude. It seemed off from the beginning. When I asked him how he felt about this plan he said "I don't care"... when I pressed him further he just said we were making assumptions. So that did not feel good... then somehow the conversation got to the issue of transportation when he is doing all these things. He feels he will need a car. Well my first reaction is I don't think we should buy you a car... it just got messy after that. I said I was feeling manipulated and he hung up on us. A while later they called us back and the other therapist joined in and said, it is too soon to be talking about a car.

My husband and I talked about it and really for us to consider helping him with a car we need to see he is really going to follow through on his plans... so maybe he needs to take the bus for a while and show he is really committed to making his recovery work. And if and when we are looking at helping him we are thinking of cosigning a loan or giving him a loan or something. We in no way want to be liable, so it has to be his car, he as to get a liscence there, he needs to get his own insurance. And of course it would have to be a used car....I can see that if he is really doing all these things, going to work, going to therapy, going to community college he may need a car and he won't have the money for it, but somehow it needs to be his responsibility even if we loan him the money.

Anyway what frustrated me was his attitude through out... still that entitlement and manipulation. I think the therapists got a chance to see how he is with us which is good.

I was glad that we had contact.... but I am laying low and will wait now for him to contact us again.

 

[toughlovin]

Well I just got an email from the therapist and she is on the same page... I guess she told him he was being a brat and had a messed up sense of entitlement and we had no obligation to help him at all!!!! So we are having another conference tomorrow. We will see how that goes.

 

[slsh]

We ran into a similar situation when thank you aged out/dropped out of the TLP. He actually had the nerve to tell husband that husband needed to go up to the city to get thank you a dresser and a bed. This was after... well, a very difficult 18 months in the TLP with- drug use, truancy, being AWOL more often than not, and generally not doing a darn thing to help himself. husband said "no", and I fully supported that (which is why I think thank you asked husband rather than me, LOL). Entitlement was running rampant, and I just wasn't having anything to do with it.

That was almost 2 years ago. In the interim, we have purchased some household goods for him, but only when we felt like it (meaning when he wasn't asking for things). Doing without has made him grateful for unexpected gifts. It has not done anything in terms of him taking care of things we give him - age old story, not sure he ever will take care of his stuff - I don't stress over that anymore. Gifts are no strings attached. I kind of do tend to "reward" gift. He's not currently using (near as I can tell), has left a really bad situation and done some smart things to keep himself removed from it. He knows better than to outright ask for things, but I'm more inclined to help him out right now (clothes, shoes, necessities, plus paying for his phone and even a date here and there) than I was when he was really digging himself a hole.

I know that he had a horrific first year "on his own". I don't know all the details, don't want to. But it was enough to make him a bit more appreciative of us and our help, and he accepts that it is on our terms, not his. I think the sense of entitlement is "normal", but I also think it is more than okay to say "no".

 

[susiestar]

It sounds like a good plan, overall. I am glad his entitlement issues showed up while you were on the phone with the tdocs. in my opinion there is NOTHING like a rehab program to tell people that htey are acting like entitled brats or being manipulative. It is why my exSIL does not stick with a rehab or AA or any other group for very long - they start wising up to her BS and she gets all "upset" and leaves because she "doesn't deserve to be treated like that - she is better than that." I hope the second call goes better and he can see reality for the truth that it is.

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks. I just had the 2nd call and it did go a lot better. The therapist is really good. Nothing like someone who is in recovery (for years) telling another addict the truth. She told him it was like he was keeping a score card and that is not the way it works. At one point he said "give a little get a little" and it is true this has been his attitude, I am giving you something so I should get something. We have fallen for that in the past. So today I repeated it is not the way it works. He has to do this for himself. If he decides not to stay in recovery that is HIS choice. In fact taking the bus won't hurt him... well his entitlement came through because the busses are disgusting, people vomiting etc. he doesn't want to sit on busses with homeless guys.

HA I think that would do him good... see what homeless guys are really like because if you relapse and are drinking and drugging that could be you!!! I did not say that of course.

The therapist pointed out that addicts need to get to the place where they will do ANYTHING for recovery.

So we are not talking about a car right now. Our feeling is we will not give him a car, it needs to be something he appreciates... once he is on his feet, done what he needs to do for a job etc. then we wil consider loaning him the money or cosigning a loan. But he needs to show us first that he will do the hard work to continue with his recovery. He is staying down there which is great. I am a little nervous about the halfway house because it is pretty new and run by someone who used to work there... so it feels a bit iffy... but my son knows people there and so is more comfortable with the idea etc... and there is the connection to the place where he will continue with groups and therapy.

He is not going to stay an extra month which makes sense. The treatment team feels he is ready for the next step, and he might actually go backwards if he just stays there which also makes sense.

I did ask him again how he felt about it. He said yesterday when he said he didn't care that he meant he didn't care what we thought, but that he was excited about it.

So time will tell.

 

[Nancy]

I do believe that there comes a point where you have learned all you can in rehab and it's time to start putting it into practice. I know our difficult child would not have benefitted from staying in rehab longer. She got the tools she needed to stay sober and it was time she put it into practice. All of the sober homes we have around here are located on bus routes for a reason. Most of the residents do not have access to a car for various reasons, many have suspended licenses. Their sense of entitlement is something else, my difficult child would never dream of getting on a bus and would rather walk. I grew up taking city buses, had to take 4 different buses each way just to get to high school. I went to college in town so took buses there and then to work and back home every day. I know it's a different time now and unless you live in the city, there is limited bus service. But our kids, especially difficult child, believe it is our duty to provide them with a car.

I think you are doing the right thing. He needs to show you that he is working the program. This is make it or break it time and I truly hope he makes it. We have been through all the highs and lows of sobriety here and it's good that he is far away and has to do this on his own. I know you would help in any way you could if he was working his program and living sober.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Thanks Nancy, I agree it is make it or break it time and I think it will be good for him to work hard for his recovery. The last thing he needs right now is for us to make it easy for him. I do think bus service and public transportation may be a problem where he is but he is going to have to work it out for now. One thing I will say is listening to your experience with your daughter convinced me even more than I already was, that he should not come home. I am pretty sure if he came home it would not be long before he was drugging again. He has a better chance of recovery down there than he does here. It is sad but true.