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General Parenting
A long update from me
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<blockquote data-quote="zba189" data-source="post: 416571"><p>difficult child was adopted through a private agency. He was adopted at birth. They are going to be doing some genetic testing on difficult child at the state program. One of things they are looking at is the possibility that he carries a gene that makes him metabolize drugs faster. That would explain why that he has had such poor responses to several different families of drugs. We have contact with his birthmom, who claims that she never drank or did drugs but that really doesn't mean anything. Sadly, I don't have a ton of trust in her. She does have a NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) and her mother says that birthmom suffered from extreme depression very young. She is odd, but functioning. She is pushy and her expections of me through all of this are madding at times but she is not unlikeable or at all violent. She reminds a little of an injured bird, she tries hard to fit in. She presents a lot like someone with bipolar, mild by still too many extremes to be considered stable. We have met with her several times in the last few months about difficult child. We mainly were open with her because she is having other children (not through the same birthdad) and difficult child seems to follow her genetic makeup. We thought we owed her the information that something has gone very wrong with T. </p><p></p><p>easy child 1 is doing alright. We immediately put him into therapy when we saw how much of a victim he was in all of this. difficult child did a lot of horrible things to easy child 1. One of things that made my heart ache was when the therapist said we didn't have to worry he wouldn't have to report anything to children services because it was abuse committed by another minor and not an adult. I would think abuse is abuse, but what do I know. easy child 1 hasn't been unaffected by this in the least, but he seems to be coping. His schoolwork has taken a dive, but that's partly due to the fact that all of us have been in survival mode and husband and I haven't had the time to sit down and work with him like we should have. husband and I have tried our very best to give him the chance to talk about anything he wants to talk about with us, other family members, and his therapist. We have also tried to be open with him and at the same time not given him too much information for him to handle.</p><p></p><p>As for disability, that has been a confusing trip. I applied for SSI for difficult child, but was told he would only qualify if he didn't live with us. The same with Medicaid. Our insurance won't cover him for the services that he needs but in order for him to get the services he needs and coverage for them we need to give up custody. Through the state Residential Treatment Center (RTC) program, they will qualify him for Medicaid but if he were to come home to us, they would then deny him further coverage. </p><p></p><p>The long term options that we have been given are (by several different professionals) (1) to give up our custody or (2) place difficult child for adoption through a private agency. We have retained a lawyer (different than the one who is handling the parity issue) who would fight an abandonment charge and only settle for dependency if we were to give up custody. The second option is not on the table right now because difficult child is not stable enough to live anywhere outside of a secure hospital like setting. If he was to become stable, we might discuss this but it just doesn't sit well with husband and I to place him with another family knowing that he could become dangerous at any time. It just seems dirty.</p><p></p><p>I will say that through this, I have found some positive things. None of the following should be considered smug on my part, please don't think that is my intention. My marriage is actually stronger. husband and I know that this easily could lead to the end of a marriage but we are trying our best to hang on. He is very strong and he has put up with my obsessing at what should have been and what could still happen. He listens to me and reminds me to take a step back and regroup. We are closer to our parents who although took sometime to come around are now in complete support of us. They have lost their grandson but are determined not to lose the rest of us as well. If they don't agree with our course of action, they keep it to themselves which is the best we can ask for. I have come to find that I have an amazing circle of very close friends. There are not many of them, but the ones I have are nothing short of wonderful. They have rallied around me, offered the type of advice that is supportive and not judgmental, stepped up to watch my PCs when needed and just listened to me. I have always be a very independent person who never liked to ask for help. In fact I took pride in the fact that I never had to ask for help from anyone. Well, through all this I have had to ask for help from people and it has humbled me greatly. My faith has be tried and it is not a strong as it should be but I haven't lost it. I have learned that faith is what is left after you no longer have hope. Up to this point, I have come through this stronger than I ever thought I could be and grateful for the love that people have for us.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="zba189, post: 416571"] difficult child was adopted through a private agency. He was adopted at birth. They are going to be doing some genetic testing on difficult child at the state program. One of things they are looking at is the possibility that he carries a gene that makes him metabolize drugs faster. That would explain why that he has had such poor responses to several different families of drugs. We have contact with his birthmom, who claims that she never drank or did drugs but that really doesn't mean anything. Sadly, I don't have a ton of trust in her. She does have a NonVerbal Learning Disorder (NVLD) and her mother says that birthmom suffered from extreme depression very young. She is odd, but functioning. She is pushy and her expections of me through all of this are madding at times but she is not unlikeable or at all violent. She reminds a little of an injured bird, she tries hard to fit in. She presents a lot like someone with bipolar, mild by still too many extremes to be considered stable. We have met with her several times in the last few months about difficult child. We mainly were open with her because she is having other children (not through the same birthdad) and difficult child seems to follow her genetic makeup. We thought we owed her the information that something has gone very wrong with T. easy child 1 is doing alright. We immediately put him into therapy when we saw how much of a victim he was in all of this. difficult child did a lot of horrible things to easy child 1. One of things that made my heart ache was when the therapist said we didn't have to worry he wouldn't have to report anything to children services because it was abuse committed by another minor and not an adult. I would think abuse is abuse, but what do I know. easy child 1 hasn't been unaffected by this in the least, but he seems to be coping. His schoolwork has taken a dive, but that's partly due to the fact that all of us have been in survival mode and husband and I haven't had the time to sit down and work with him like we should have. husband and I have tried our very best to give him the chance to talk about anything he wants to talk about with us, other family members, and his therapist. We have also tried to be open with him and at the same time not given him too much information for him to handle. As for disability, that has been a confusing trip. I applied for SSI for difficult child, but was told he would only qualify if he didn't live with us. The same with Medicaid. Our insurance won't cover him for the services that he needs but in order for him to get the services he needs and coverage for them we need to give up custody. Through the state Residential Treatment Center (RTC) program, they will qualify him for Medicaid but if he were to come home to us, they would then deny him further coverage. The long term options that we have been given are (by several different professionals) (1) to give up our custody or (2) place difficult child for adoption through a private agency. We have retained a lawyer (different than the one who is handling the parity issue) who would fight an abandonment charge and only settle for dependency if we were to give up custody. The second option is not on the table right now because difficult child is not stable enough to live anywhere outside of a secure hospital like setting. If he was to become stable, we might discuss this but it just doesn't sit well with husband and I to place him with another family knowing that he could become dangerous at any time. It just seems dirty. I will say that through this, I have found some positive things. None of the following should be considered smug on my part, please don't think that is my intention. My marriage is actually stronger. husband and I know that this easily could lead to the end of a marriage but we are trying our best to hang on. He is very strong and he has put up with my obsessing at what should have been and what could still happen. He listens to me and reminds me to take a step back and regroup. We are closer to our parents who although took sometime to come around are now in complete support of us. They have lost their grandson but are determined not to lose the rest of us as well. If they don't agree with our course of action, they keep it to themselves which is the best we can ask for. I have come to find that I have an amazing circle of very close friends. There are not many of them, but the ones I have are nothing short of wonderful. They have rallied around me, offered the type of advice that is supportive and not judgmental, stepped up to watch my PCs when needed and just listened to me. I have always be a very independent person who never liked to ask for help. In fact I took pride in the fact that I never had to ask for help from anyone. Well, through all this I have had to ask for help from people and it has humbled me greatly. My faith has be tried and it is not a strong as it should be but I haven't lost it. I have learned that faith is what is left after you no longer have hope. Up to this point, I have come through this stronger than I ever thought I could be and grateful for the love that people have for us. [/QUOTE]
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