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Parent Emeritus
A stab of guilt, I could use some support...........
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 574447" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>It seems to me that requiring (or allowing?) your daughter to take her life where SHE wants to take it is the one thing you have not done for her yet, recovering. </p><p></p><p>Is it possible for you to view this time as that one, last effort to help her become independent by forcing her to rely on herself? Sometimes, we forget how shaming it is for our children to still BE children in their parents' eyes, and to be ineffectual adults, in their own.</p><p></p><p>That is what we are trying, at my house. And it is almost impossibly hard to stick with it. </p><p></p><p>And the guilt we feel at enjoying the good, bright things in our lives while our grown children are suffering.... </p><p></p><p>Something as simple as shopping at WalMart can bring such guilt I begin to feel anxious and sick to my stomach. If I can remind myself though, that having a parent to turn to for the normal, everyday expenses of life pretty much guarantees that my adult child will never find the strength to go out and get those things for herself, that helps me. We need to be able to see that we are crippling our children by consistently providing what they need. They were never meant to be so dependent on us that they did not develop their own strengths and resources.</p><p></p><p>And that is where true self-esteem, true self respect, comes from, of course.</p><p></p><p>You and I (yep, me too recovering ~ I'm trying those same shoes on for size) need to give our children space enough to create, and to come to rely on, their own strength. How scary a world would it be, had we not learned to do that for ourselves? Here is another thing I think about, sometimes. So, say husband and I were both killed driving one day. How could we expect a child who'd never learned who he was or what he valued to cope with a sudden influx of money or property? It would all be gone in a heartbeat...and then where would the child be?</p><p></p><p>It kills to feel the agony we (and here, I thought I was the only one!) go through when we know the kids could use the money we're spending on ourselves. Better to teach them now, while we are still here for true emergencies.</p><p></p><p>I'm sorry, recovering. I know you never in a million years believed there could be this much pain over even the simplest things. We will make it through this. And more importantly, we will pull our children through it, too.</p><p></p><p>They need to learn how to function, how to choose how they will live. They need to stop dreaming of some freedom where no one has any responsibilities and everyone is kind. They really do need to learn those things.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 574447, member: 1721"] It seems to me that requiring (or allowing?) your daughter to take her life where SHE wants to take it is the one thing you have not done for her yet, recovering. Is it possible for you to view this time as that one, last effort to help her become independent by forcing her to rely on herself? Sometimes, we forget how shaming it is for our children to still BE children in their parents' eyes, and to be ineffectual adults, in their own. That is what we are trying, at my house. And it is almost impossibly hard to stick with it. And the guilt we feel at enjoying the good, bright things in our lives while our grown children are suffering.... Something as simple as shopping at WalMart can bring such guilt I begin to feel anxious and sick to my stomach. If I can remind myself though, that having a parent to turn to for the normal, everyday expenses of life pretty much guarantees that my adult child will never find the strength to go out and get those things for herself, that helps me. We need to be able to see that we are crippling our children by consistently providing what they need. They were never meant to be so dependent on us that they did not develop their own strengths and resources. And that is where true self-esteem, true self respect, comes from, of course. You and I (yep, me too recovering ~ I'm trying those same shoes on for size) need to give our children space enough to create, and to come to rely on, their own strength. How scary a world would it be, had we not learned to do that for ourselves? Here is another thing I think about, sometimes. So, say husband and I were both killed driving one day. How could we expect a child who'd never learned who he was or what he valued to cope with a sudden influx of money or property? It would all be gone in a heartbeat...and then where would the child be? It kills to feel the agony we (and here, I thought I was the only one!) go through when we know the kids could use the money we're spending on ourselves. Better to teach them now, while we are still here for true emergencies. I'm sorry, recovering. I know you never in a million years believed there could be this much pain over even the simplest things. We will make it through this. And more importantly, we will pull our children through it, too. They need to learn how to function, how to choose how they will live. They need to stop dreaming of some freedom where no one has any responsibilities and everyone is kind. They really do need to learn those things. [/QUOTE]
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A stab of guilt, I could use some support...........
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